I've been meaning to post to you before now. I'm sorry that it's taken awhile. I read through your thread yesterday and now I finally have time to write.
I wanted to post to you because like your H, my H/XH was determined to get a speedy D. My H/XH was single-minded and pushed very hard until the D was final. I DB'ed my butt off but H/XH only began softening up when I told him I was thinking about leaving my asst. professor position at the university 4 months after the bomb. I was passionate about my research career there, but that place took my life's blood and more. That job interfered with every R I've had for the past 20 years. H/XH was right about that. Regardless of my changing myself in that very visible, my H still pushed hard for D. I think that he was in so deep (had publicly bragged to his friends that he was D'ing me, was planning to put money down on a home he wanted to buy) he didn't see how he could even consider putting a "hold" on the D. Add to that, his L kept pushing him forward and his BMF was pushing him (BMF wanted a bachelor buddy to hang with and getting a real estate commission from the sale of a home to H/XH was icing on the cake for BMF)..............but if you look at my thread now (1 year post-D) you will see that things haven't turned out the way H/XH thought they would. I am a big believer in that what people sow, they will also reap. Your H will find out soon enough that the fantasy he thinks he has found does not exist.
The main differences I can see between my situation and yours is that to my knowledge (and I have a reliable source) my H did not have an OW.........and both H/XH and I had dated a lot before we M'ed. Dating did not/does not hold any allure to either of us the way it can when someone M's their high school or college sweetheart.
What I wanted to say to you is that you are still very early in your situation. Anything can and will happen to you over the next 1-2 years. I read through your thread yesterday and I can tell from your posts that you are open to what this experience might have to show you. You have more control in this situation than you realize. That is one of the gifts that DB'ing gives us. Make sure that you take the time to figure out how you contributed to the problems in your M or these same issues will cause problems again in the future. After my D was final I read "Intimacy and Desire" by David Schnarch. It really gave me a blueprint for what I should aspire to in a future R and showed me how to prepare for that. If you haven't already read this book, I would recommend it. Schnarch also has an online community (crucible4points.com).
You have control to decide how you will relate to your H and this in turn will influence the nature of your future R with your H. Illicit Rs, borne out of deception, rarely lead to healthy long-lasting Rs. Your H's R with OW will most likely go south as familiarity sets in. It's just a matter of time. I'm not saying you should wait for H. That is your choice. I'm just saying that you are probably experiencing more grief now than you realize. Allow yourself to feel that grief. It is the road to healing.
My father died suddenly when I was 18. I remember that it was 5 years before I could think of that loss without feeling grief or having tears come to my eyes. Our hearts need time to heal. My hope for you is that you give yourself time to heal before making any big decisions.
Next year will be better for you! The one positive aspect of going through the D early after the bomb, is that it removes the negativity of D negotiations from your life. Once that is gone, you may be surprised at what can happen. Lets both of us go out there and make 2011 "our" year!
