Just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts. Hope you are keeping your head up and still pursuing the things that make you happy. I posted a long reply to your post in my thread, but I wanted to pop onto yours to see how you are holding up. Keep us posted!
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Spellfire, Thanks for the advice. I guess I didn't think of it that way. I was trying to appear as though I just didn't care either way. I think I will go with your plan next time and see what happens. Frankly, at this point, I have nothing to lose other than a marriage that is already on life support...
fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
FOBDs - I just saw your post on another thread, want to respond, but don't want to hijack the other thread anymore. you said...
"On a bit of a confused note, I am not sure how to feel about something that recently happened. My wife was always been very fit. She went to the gym regularly and watched what she ate. During the holidays, I had moments where I had private conversations with three different family members and friends who have all seen her in person in the past two weeks. I don't know if they were trying to make me feel better or if they were sincere, but they all, without provocation, delivered to me the same message. My wife has put on a tremendous amount of weight in the past couple of weeks. One of them stated that they ran into her in a public place and that she was dressed poorly, looked tired and as though she has put on about 10 - 15 pounds (The night she showed up for her mail, I thought she looked a bit different. But she was wearing a heavy coat and I just thought it was the coat that was making the difference). What was really odd it that the particular relative who pointed this out never talks about such things, ever. This is the first sign that I have gotten that maybe my wife isn't doing as well as she would like to me to believe. I am not happy about this or celebrating it in any way. But I truly thought she was out "living it up" since she walked out on me. Maybe that isn't the case after all. Am I a jerk for finding some solace in this? If so, I apologize in advance to all who read this.
Denver, Happy New Year, my friend! 2010 is almost over and good riddance. This year cannot be far enough in my rear view mirror. I wish you the very best in 2011. May it be much happier and healthier than the past couple of months. I hope you and I can find ourselves happily married again very soon. Take care of yourself and stay in touch."
Thanks for the NY's wishes. I'm sorry to hear that we share this as an aniversary for our engagements to our wives. It's going to be rough, but I have to admit that I'm going to go to a friend's party and try to have as much fun as possible.
In response to you hearing that your wife has put on weight and may not be doin as well as she is trying to make you believe... H*ll no you shouldn't feel bad for feeling some solace in hearing this. I saw some pics of my wife on FB from xmas day and she looked like hell too. Looked like she may have been crying and was definitely forcing a smile. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part, I don't know. Either way, I don't think that we should feel badly for seeing or hearing that our wives may be feeling pain over the destruction of our marriages. The do say on here that we should believe zero of what we hear and 50% of what we see from our Ws. Of course they would like us to believe that they are fine and not feeling any loss. I simply don't believe it though. Our Ws are losing a significant part of their life, just like us, eventually it has to hurt.
FOBDs - Here's wishing you a Happy New Year! I sincerely hope that 2011 is much better than 2010 for the both of us. It couldn't be much worse. Keep keeping us all up to date on your sitch. Talk to you soon.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, well I have to ask? How was NYE? I hope you did better than I did. As I mentioned earlier, I was sick much of this week with a nasty virus. So, on NYE, despite my condition, I forced myself to go out with friends instead of sitting in the house and sulking. Unfortunately, I mixed a virus, multiple doses of cold medicine and some beer all together that evening. Not good. Around 11:30pm, I started getting very emotional about the situation and I cracked. I sent my WAW a text message that stupidly was a bit emotional. Then, like a total idiot, I got even more emotional when she didn't respond. The minute I woke up on Saturday, I regretted the message. She has not made any contact with me at all since then. I think I blew weeks of working on a 180 in one night. I completely showed her my hand. What a dumbass I am??? I cant believe I did that!!
Well, what is done is done. I also found out this weekend she has moved again. So, now, she is apparently not talking to me and I have no idea where she is. This just keeps getting better! Oh well, my favorite NFL team is in the playoffs and I am going to see my favorite college team play in a bowl game this weekend. I guess things could be worse. If she still loves me, there is no way she could get too pissed at me reaching out to her... but who freaking knows? I know there is a woman living in this town who looks like my wife, walks like my wife, and drives my wife's car, but she is definitely not my wife. I guess "pod people" do exist. I hope you had better luck than I did.
Take care!
Fell
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
FOBDs - My NYE went fairly well actually. Went to a friend's party and drank too much. I managed to keep thoughts of W and anniversary of engagement at bay for most of the night. I did get sad when the clock hit midnight bc of the meaning of the occasion and I did get sad when W did not contact me at all. I really expected that she would NOT bc of the situation and bc I knew that she was out of town on a singing gig (she's a professional vocalist), but I guess in the my heart I kind of hoped that she would. I did not hear from her bw 12/29 and today, 1/2. I have not been initiating any kind of contact. So I am discouraged by the lack of contact.
I did end up contacting her tonight bc I had spoken with my step son about taking him to a hockey game and he told me that W wanted me to call her to discuss whether or not this was a good idea. I ended up having a 40 minute conversation with her and messed up by getting drawn into R talk. In addition, I don't think that the conversation went well at all. W seems intent on filing for Legal Separation for financial reasons. If you're interested in catching up on my situation here is the thread:
I'm really sorry to hear about her NYE's Eve. That could easily happen to any of us though. I've read tons of threads on here and almost everyone has made mistakes with DBing. Really, the only thing that you can do is get back up on the horse man. I think that I made a mistake tonight myself with that telephone conversation. I also messed up about 3 weeks ago by leaving W a VM after I got emotional at church. My W also did not respond to that. Made me extremely sad. This stuff is really hard and we have no experience with it. Unfortunately, we have to learn on the job so to speak.
I can also relate to not know where W is living. My W moved out at the end of November and told me that she did not want to give me her address. She told me that she wants her privacy and is afraid that I would not give it to her. Bc I am trying to give her all the space and time that she wants, I have not asked. It is very difficult not knowing. My biggest problem with it though, is wondering how someone who has vowed to love you and be with you can pick up and leave and also be so cold as to not give you the curtesy of knowing where they are living. It's like they are trying to simply erase us from their lives. At least that is how I feel. And it feels bad.
My W is definitely a "pod person" as well. Everyday I wonder how my M has deteriorated so badly in what seems like such a short time. I also wonder how it is that I can hate my W so much right now, but also love her so much that I continue to fight for our M.
At least you got your favorite NFL team in the playoffs. I'm a Broncos fan so not much consolation there. I don't think that I missed watching but 2 or 3 games in the past 30 years, but during this mess, I haven't watched a game in 6 or 7 weeks.
Who's your team? Which Bowl you going to?
Try to stay positive. We'll both get through this and be happy again... one way or the other. Right?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
How's it going FOBD? Haven't heard from you in a few days. You hangin in there?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey, man. Good to hear from you. I was actually signing on to post an update tonight. This will be kind of long, but here it goes.
My wife emailed me yesterday stating that we needed to meet in person to "talk." I emailed back and stated that I was free last night and we could meet at my house at 7pm. She tried to force me to move the meeting to another place, but I held my ground. She showed about 10 minutes late, knocked on the door and waited to be let in. Then the fun began.
She came in with some papers in hand and her check book. She owed me some money and had come prepared to pay. We sat down exchanged pleasantries and then she jumped me. She went off on me because I had been asking her father questions about her. She stated that she didn't appreciate me involving other people. Yes, I did ask her father some things. But they were questions about her safety and her financial situation. Unfortunately, she took it the wrong way and came to the house last night looking for a fight. I let my DB training kick in and defused the entire situation with a few key sentences. I apologized without giving up too much ground and it was over.
So, since she could not get me pissed off over that, she went silent for a moment. I asked her if that is why she came over and she stated she was just getting started. And then she dropped the bomb. She looked me dead in the face and stated, "It's over. I have had some time apart and I have decided that our marriage was all wrong and I am through. I will not be returning to our marriage and here is a list of items I want from the house. It only took me two weeks to get over you and I have no desire to return to our life together. I have done some soul searching while I have been away these past four months and our marriage was not that great. We really weren't that compatible. I hope you understand, but I have to do what will make me happy and being away from you makes me happy. Sorry." I was floored. I sat there like a stuttering idiot. I let her go on for a few minutes and weathered her blows. Unfortunately, I forgot my DB training at that point and a full on fight ensued for around 15 minutes. We flung crap at each other and things really started to get out of hand. But in the heat of it all, I realized I was failing. I realized that I was doing just what she wanted me to do. She wanted me to lose my cool, act like an *ss and then she could say that nothing has changed and would be justified in leaving.
So, in the middle of her tearing at me, I stood up, turned my back to her, took two deep breaths, turned back around and began Divorce Busting. OMG, it worked!!! I composed myself and began doing everything I was supposed to do. She stated that she didn't want to be there for more than 30 minutes. She stayed for 2 1/2 hours. By the end of the night, I got a full apology for her leaving me in the way that she did, multiple times she broke down crying as she talked about what has happened since she left. Hell, she even started telling me about what her and her C talk about. She admitted that she has been struggling with the guilt of leaving. She came clean with me that she has been "texting" with another man. She claims that he is just someone to talk to and that she has not physically touched him. I looked in her eyes and I felt like she was telling the truth. We have never had infidelity issues in the past, so I will take her word for now.
It was amazing, in 30 minutes we were talking like a couple again. We sat there and admitting things that we had been holding in for years. I told her about my lifestyle changes and the ways in which I was GAL'ing. She complimented me on my physical appearance (8 weeks in the gym for 2 hours a day will make a difference). She just started telling me all this stuff that I have been wanting to know. So, without giving too much ground, I too began showing some emotion and making amends for things. At one point, we were holding hands and crying together. I wanted so bad to take her in my arms, but I held back. Once or twice, I passed my hands through her hair as she cried and she didn't stop me. We talked for two hours about all the mistakes we made and how we destroyed our marriage. For just awhile, I had my wife back and it was nice. God, I miss her so much.
Well, while things were going well, I decided to take back some control. In the most polite way that I could, I informed her that she was no longer a "member" of our home and that she would have to surrender her keys. She was shocked and tried to back out of that. I stood my ground. She gave them up. I told her that I will control all access to the house going forward. She didn't fight me. She actually looked at me in tears and asked "You are not going to f*ck me over on this, are you?" I smiled and assured her I would not. Then, I told her that going forward she was going to have to pay me for her health, dental, vision, and car insurance. She did not fight. She wrote me a check for $1000 on the spot. I then told her that the next time I see her, I will expect her to return her wedding ring. That also hit her for a loop. She looked down at the floor and agreed. And I finished up by saying that I would no longer respond to text messages or emails. If she wanted to talk with me it would be on the phone or in person. I informed her that I thought it was important that we remained friends and that I still wanted her in my life. She agreed and stated that all communication going forward would be via phone. I just succeeded in getting my first DB goal. Two months ago I wrote down that I wanted my first goal to be to get the lines of communication open again. Success. She stated that I am now free to call her anytime I want as long as it is not to ask her to come home. No problem. I am now in the "friend zone," right where a good DB'er should be when trying to lure back a WAS. She once again began to open up about the trouble she has had since she left. I sat there and listened intently and offered her advice as a friend. It was awesome. She even agreed to let me know where her new apartment is and that maybe some day I could visit her once she was settled.
I wish I could say it ended completely on a high note, but I did falter once. Things were going so well, I got caught up in the moment. I told her that I was embarrassed by all the B/S games we were playing with each other and that it needed to stop. She agreed. I openly told her that I had a long period where I was beginning to hate her, but that I was working through that. She actually stated that she could understand why I would hate her. I was floored. But, then I took it too far. I asked her to do me a favor. I asked her to take a little time each day, sit somewhere quiet and try to remember us when things were good. She agreed. But then I asked her to just "relax" for a couple of months and see where this thing goes. Just don't make any rash moves and then see how she feels about us. Too far, dude. She immediately stated that she was afraid that would give me false hope and that she would not give me false hope. I quickly back-peddled out there. Otherwise, I feel like I would give myself an A- for the performance.
I then told her I was tired and that she needed to go. By then, she had curled up on the couch and was talking her head off. She agreed and picked up her things. She asked me to give her an answer on the furniture request. I told her that I was not prepared and I would need some time to think. She didn't seem to like that, but she agreed. I walked her to the door, gave her a hug (which was so freaking nice I can't explain it in words) and let her out. She got half way down the walk and turned back and smiled. The last two times she left, she walked out and never looked back. I was thrilled. I went to bed a very happy man.
Unfortunately, I woke up this morning, reality set in and I balled like a baby for 30 minutes while standing in the shower. I have no idea what actually happened last night. I don't know if DB'ing worked so well that my wife is having second thoughts or if she is a damned good actress who is setting me up for the kill. She never mentioned an attorney or filing for divorce the entire night. She just kept saying she wasn't coming back. Now, I am as confused as ever. I know she was completely off her game when she didn't get the fight she expected, but I can't believe I was able to turn her around that much in just two hours. Maybe this is wishful thinking, but there were times last night where I thought I saw just a glint of doubt in her eyes about what she is doing. But I am soooo scared that I am setting myself up for a fall. I don't know what to do...
So, I will continue to DB my behind off. I will start soon with small, easy communication. I will remain her friend and be there for her. Hell, I might even help her move to show her that I am not bitter and a new man. A kinder man, a man she has never seen or known before. But I am still very, very scared.
I am worth about 10 times what my wife is worth financially. If she goes after me, I am screwed. So, I need to keep this friendly for two reasons. I must keep the door open for reconciliation and to make sure that she doesn't hire a bulldog to eat my lunch.
Today, I was visiting with my mother. I told her everything. She recommended that I do two things. Continue to DB and that I should see a lawyer about my own rights and protection. I am making an appointment tomorrow with a good local lawyer. But, my mother asked me today if I still loved her. I told her that I still loved her with all my heart and would still do anything to bring her home. I wan to take my last breath in her arms if life will grant me that wish. She replied, "well, you know what you have to do then, right?" I said no. She replied, "Son, you are going to have to gamble your heart one more time." She is right. I am going to have to commit my heart and soul to DB'ing and roll the dice. She will either come home or I will again be crushed like a grape. But even if I end up crushed again, at least I will walk away knowing that I did all I could to save my marriage and that I was the bigger person in this whole thing. I will either get my wife back or get my dignity back along with a guarantee that I will not have to live with regret for the rest of my life.
That is where I am now. I will spend the next weeks and months DB'ing my behind off. I will refresh my training each night, take notes and become a Jedi Master of the art. I will either succeed or die trying. I love her and I want her back. She is my lover, my best friend and I would take a bullet for her even now after all she has done. But this much I know. If I don't get her back, it won't be my fault. I hope you are doing well. Keep in touch!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
FOBDs - I think that sounds like a great meeting with your W! Baby steps, baby steps. Your conversation with your M was inspiring for some reason and your words about how you still feel about W could have come out of my mouth.
"my mother asked me today if I still loved her. I told her that I still loved her with all my heart and would still do anything to bring her home. I wan to take my last breath in her arms if life will grant me that wish. She replied, "well, you know what you have to do then, right?" I said no. She replied, "Son, you are going to have to gamble your heart one more time." She is right. I am going to have to commit my heart and soul to DB'ing and roll the dice. She will either come home or I will again be crushed like a grape. But even if I end up crushed again, at least I will walk away knowing that I did all I could to save my marriage and that I was the bigger person in this whole thing. I will either get my wife back or get my dignity back along with a guarantee that I will not have to live with regret for the rest of my life. "
I am willing to get crushed like a grape a few more times over the course of the next several months if it means that I have a chance at getting my W back. As bad of a feeling that it is, I believe that I am strong enough to endure it.
Stay in touch FOBD
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I think you did great. Try to learn from the mistakes. You knew what they were since you mentioned it. 1. Don't get pulled into fights, and 2. Don't pressure her. See how doing the right thing gets you the results you want, and doing the wrong things just pushes her away? It is counter intuitive I know. You need to fight those emotions and instincts constantly. Hold the line, stay strong. Congrats on following through on those boundaries also.
One other quick note. Do not tell her about the changes you are making. If you explain to her all the changes you are making she will think it is all for her benefit. Make the changes for you. Trust me, as long as it is genuine, she WILL notice. Your job is give her opportunities to notice without forcing it or pressuring her to interact with you. Think, drawing her in like a magnetic field, not reeling her in like a caught fish.
As far as risking your heart again, try to re-frame that (not taking anything away from your Mother, she is correct, but stating it in her Mom terms). I prefer:
***You are a man that knows what he wants, and is not afraid to go for it.***
If you don't get what you want, so be it. Putting yourself out with the possibility of getting crushed is a victim mentality. Resolve never to be the victim again.
If she chooses not to come back, it truly is her loss. Do you believe it? I do! For myself and for you!
Open your heart and let it be vulnerable with someone who is committed to you, someone you can trust it with. She hasn't earned that back yet. For now you are a man who knows his worth and knows what he wants!
Please get "Hold on to Your N.U.T.s" by Wayne Levine, it compliments DBing nicely for men.
Don't let your thread fade man, you can do this.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
