Hello all, looks like after 6 + years of DBing (busted it the first time, don't think I'll be able to this time) I will be getting that D sometime in the future (these things take FOREVER!!) So while I wish I could say "near future", I don't think that is happening!
I am in the middle of trying to negotiate things with the help of STBXH's father (my father-in-law: A good and decent man!!) What happened to the apple not falling far from the tree???
Wondering if anyone frequents any on-line forums like this one to look at all the aspects of getting a D--My L seems to offer things as a "need to know basis" and I'm trying to keep her out of it (at $400 an hour!!) and do this with my father-in-law, who doesn't want to see me screwed eating catfood in my old age! Not to mention, he realizes this is his grandson my H wants to screw also!
Poor, poor H. He is one messed up puppy!! He vascilated this Xmas between wanting me to go Xmas shopping with him, doing our old Xmas traditions, and screaming his head off about the D. I tried--Lord knows, I did try. He's done some bizarre things in the past, but the day after Xmas while I was visiting my cousin (and I did invite H to go) he calls me to find out what happened to his work shoes--which, I don't have a clue?...
So when I got home I found all my shoes had been thrown at my bed (I am in the spare bedroom) with BIG chunks taken out of the wall over my pillow and all my shoes stuffed down the side and under my bed. Okaaaaay....
He of course doesn't say a word, and I take pictures....
Well, it's what it is. I need to get this over with I guess. I didn't want it, but perhaps in a cosmic sort-of-way, it is for the best...
Glad you father in law has stepped in and helping to make sure you are taken care of. I am sorry you find yourself over here but with his strange behavior(are you sure he isn't bi-polar?) perhaps this is for the best. I am here for you.
Have a grand New year. Big hugs ((((((Laura))))))
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hello Laura, Welcome! I don't wish to say I'm sorry for you to be over here, because "over here" is what you make it to be. I loved being married; too bad he had a "crisis" and chose a different path.
I really, really like being single. I'm happy and content with my new life. I have the girlfriends I haven't had since I was a sorority girl in college and I have to say I know myself better than I ever have.
In my opinion, stay strong and continue down the path with your father-in-law. Get out, get yourself healthy and enjoy your new life! I don't know about online forums, but the people on here are pretty darn 'divorce savvy.' Mine was tough, lots of financial crap and I'd be happy to answer all questions from you that I possibly can. Our attorney fees amounted to over $50,000, so I've learned quite a bit (expensively). lol
Take care and I'll check back. Happy New Year!!!!
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Hey Kat, thanks for stopping by!! Happy New Year's for you too!!
And Golfgirl! I have followed your thread--you are doing a fantastic job and I love love love how you've gotten the "upper hand" in your D. At least mentally you seem to have it all over your ex.lol. Any help would be SOOO appreciated!!
I hope to get there too--I have had some pretty down moments (the holidays--you have to give yourself some slack for that!)
We have a lot of complicated "financial stuff" and I am overwhelmed. Didn't help that STBEX made me a "deal" that sounded good at first, but...I did take it to a 3rd party financial guy in town who is also a L and he said I'd do better in court. Much better most likely.
So my father-in-law has stepped in and said "write down what you want". Thing is, I know what my L says I'll get--do you believe these people? My H's L tells HIM what I'll get and they are MILES from each other.
Small recap--been married almost 16 years (15 when he filed), have one S15, been a SAHM with just part-time jobs for all this time, have a 4 year degree but worked for family after college and never used it--thinking about going back to school for nursing...
I have a party that I'm going to tonight with my friends. I haven't had a BIT of trouble getting a life--my H kept me tethered to his side for the past 6 years. I tell everyone I'm bursting out of my skin to talk to OTHER PEOPLE besides my negative, angry, depressed H. Not a problem!!lol.
Only thing is, he gets abusive (not exactly new--just--right now it escalates) and so I have to weigh if it's worth it. I have called the police 2 x this year and basically--nothing can be done unless he beats me or something. ugh.
So...here we are...he filed Aug 9 and it is Jan and we still live together.lol. It's not all bad--I make him cook and clean and force him to play games with my son and I(I am having a ball playing board games--Apples to Apples, Mad Gab, Shut the Box, Rage).lol. I started going out with my girlfriends for "game night" and I'm hooked!!
So, yeah--did you get what your L said you would? I would go for slightly less even, as she paints a pretty rosy picture...
Well - first of all, be careful about dating and living with him if he's abusive. Don't let it escalate, you need to get out of there asap.
As for what you might get in the divorce - it matters a lot which state you live in. Are you in a community property state? Do you have any property to divide? Are there any retirement funds to be considered?
Do you own a home? Do you want to stay in the home? Can you afford to stay in the home?
Typically, after 15 years of marriage, you would get 7 1/2 years of alimony. (This isn't set in stone, but seems to be the guideline in many states - half the length of the marriage). And child support, if you get primary custody of your child. Ideally, everything else that was acquired during the course of the marriage would be divided evenly, but if you're not in a community property state, that may not hold. (Debts would normally also be divided - if you have a lot of debt, ideally you would like him to take that so it doesn't drag you down in the future. You might have to trade off for some future benefit like house equity or pension).
How does his offer compare with this? What are you differing on?
I know I could have gotten more if I'd gone to court - MAYBE. There was one issue which could have gone either way, depending on the judge - a rather big issue. I opted to compromise and get it done without going that route. I'm satisfied that my settlement is good enough for me, and reasonably fair - the ex thinks he got screwed and I think I did, so it probably IS a fair settlement!
Don't undervalue the years you spent as a SAHM though. Imagine what you would be making if you had focused on your career all those years and HE had stayed home?
And for the rest of you reading out there, I have my own financial question to ask. Where do you keep your IRAs? I'm not asking what mix they're invested in, but under what umbrella? I'd like to be invested in a mix of stocks, bonds, other investments, and I'd like to keep my fees as low as possible. Does this automatically mean I need to go with one of the big brokerage houses like Vanguard? I know I could do stocks myself through Ameritrade but what about bonds or mutual funds? I'm thinking about the best place to initially park my 401k proceeds from the divorce. I'll get independent advice on asset allocation so I don't really want to pay a lot of fees for useless advice I won't use.
I didn't get half of my married time in alimony...only 6 years and we had been married 19. The L's seemed to think I was lucky to get that.
As for my IRA's, I work for Edward Jones and I had to move everything to them when I got my job here. They do charge an annual fee of $40.00 for the first retirement account in your name and $20.00 for each additional one. There are ways around that if you have alot with us but those are the fees as of now. It doesn't cost anything to talk to them.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Well thought out advice with your best interest at heart. I know my Financial Advisor anyhow looks at what works for you and not what is going to make him the most money. That really is the philosophy behind Edward Jones. We work with all investors not just the ones that have a ton of money.
Gee I sound like an ad.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat, did you have to go to court? I am suprised that you only got 6--did you work during your marriage?
And this was in line with what your L told you? or more??
Ellie, thanks for the links--just what I was looking for!!
It's weird--between what my L says I'll get and what my H's L says--they are WORLDS apart. My L says 7 years up to maybe permanent, but I don't want that. 7 would be GREAT.
His L says I'll get 3. The other guy I went to said he thought 5-6 is about right. But the amounts too are all over the place.
Yes, my H is going downhill I'm afraid--his negativity is affecting his health. He's been depressed about the psoriasis he has had for years, but he just found out he has an enlarged heart. I love the guy, but he just is self-destructing right in front of me. And YES--I worked my BUTT OFF in this marriage--he's an "acts of service" guy and he ran me RAGGED doing things for him. Once he filed I told him "that's it--not the little W any more." I do things occasionally, if I feel like it, since that is his LL.
I don't want another one of those "acts of service" guys ever again--I can spot them a mile away now.lol!
