Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

Ok explain this feeling that I have! I am actually disappointed that I am not divorced and it's 12/31/10. I won't be divorced to start off 2011. Unless that divorce decree is stuck in the mail or finalized and sitting on someone's desk at family court, it hasn't happened yet, and I'm very perturbed by this.

All I wanted was to start 2011 "free" of this toxic marriage. A few months ago, I was clinging to the fact that I was still married and he was having an affair and saying that at least I was standing for my morals and the vows while he wasn't. Now, I don't want to be associated with that marriage anymore. I am bothered that I am married by law to an adulterer. I want him detached legally. And now, I will start a new year, and he isn't detached.

(the tax issue is another whole can of worms since I'm told we have to file jointly now and that will mean additional contact and problems that I didn't want to deal with).

But aside from all that, I wanted to enter 2011 "clean" and "free" and I feel like I can't.

I actually texted him this morning to say this: "It is the end of the year. Why am I not divorced?" I meant every word. I don't want any connection to that old marriage anymore. He texted back, "It is up to the court to put it on their docket and take care of it. It is out of my hands. Have a nice new years."

I resisted the urge to text back "I wanted to be free and clear." My girlfriend is here and she just said it would escalate things. So I didn't do that. But like I said, I feel let down, and I just find this all so weird, because I was all about DBing and I guess now I'm not