Nice to hear from you Matilda. Happy New Year to you also.
I'm paying attention to ways where I privately "throw my W out of my heart", when I'm annoyed by her. In the past I would stay annoyed and keep a distance too long. I've figured-out that this human pattern of avoiding discomfort has been getting me into trouble in my M, because I'm allowing her behavior to have too much control over my attitude and emotions. I've been thinking that maybe this is partially why I keep a distance from my W. I'm too influenced by her poor habits. This is selfish, unskilled, and reactive on my part.
I've been working on improving my attitude thru religious reading and practice in Tibetan Buddhism. These religious ideas make the most sense to me, and are the most helpful, so it only makes sense to continue practicing in this way.
I've been reminded in my reading that pleasure and avoidance of discomfort are not entitlements in life, they are an inherent part of it. I have to practice holding onto my own happiness even when my W is being blaming, critical, or disrespectful. I set limits as-needed, but the piece that has been missing is being able to return my mind to a state of happiness (peace of mind not contingent upon pleasure, material possessions, approval of others, or of other's opinions of me). This allows me to return to a positive connection with my W as quickly as possible, versus past patterns of brooding.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
