Separated for 11 weeks (long)...

[thatgirl007]

I guess a lot of what I write is semi-journaling. It just helps to get it out. I hope I'm not boring anyone!

Journaling:

H was waiting for me when I got home. He just wanted to hang out, I guess. I was a bit annoyed. Thursdays are my night shift and I have to come home, unwind, fall asleep and get up in the morning for work again. I just wanted to relax and not think, but he was there. It was odd. He just sort of sat there, like he doesn't know his place in the world. On the one hand, I am empathetic for him. On the other, I know that these are his choices.

I kept things very light and easy, but went about my normal routine, getting ready for bed, taking care of the cat, reading. He just kind of sat there, chatting with me off and on. I asked him if he was staying overnight and he said that he just wanted to see me, but that he was going back to the house where he's staying for the night.

I said okay, told him to make sure he locked the door when he left, got in bed (he lay beside me while I fell asleep) and promptly fell asleep. He was gone when I woke up, but he texted me first thing.

---------

On another note, I picked up a book at the library today called On Her Own. It's about women embracing solitude and the good things about being self-sufficient. It's not anti-relationships, though. It just talks about different women and their journeys of being independent after death of a spouse, divorce, or even when they are in relationships. I never want to be codependent again!

As I look back over the years, I was a very codependent girl. I went into a relationship with my H (my first real relationship) when I was 19, fresh out of high school. I am the baby girl of the family and just jumped from my home life right into marriage. I floundered around in and out of college for years, put off getting my driver's license and worked consistently but in part-time jobs that didn't require a lot of my attention.

When I was 27, I just decided to change all of that. I focused, got my Bachelor's degree, started grad school, got my driver's license, bought my first car, got a full-time job. Since then, I've blossomed. I now have two Master's degrees, a really good-paying dream job that I love, and I am very self-sufficient.

I think this might intimidate my H to some extent. At one point, he said to me, "Name one thing that you've really wanted and set your mind to get that you haven't gotten." I couldn't name one thing. The things in life that I've really wanted and worked hard for, I've achieved. He responded, "Not everybody is like you."