Need advice and support to keep hope

[Denver_2010]

December 23rd...

* W initiates contact via text - response to my last text from last night. Occurs at around 3 p.m. today. quoted text msg from W:

“You seem to think that just bc you’ve had this revelation that things can be ok. I’ve been trying for years and you have destroyed what I have tried to build.

You haven’t been honest. You lied about that b*tch Natalie. You’ve destroyed my trust in you that is not something that will come back. I was loyal to you.

I gave you everything and tried to build a life with you. Like a fool, I have been trying to prove to you for years that I was good enough for you.

I can’t believe anything you ever said to me and I am convinced that you were not faithful. You can’t fix that. You were wrong. We were never what I thought we were.

You cannot win me back. I am not a prize to be won. I was a woman who loved you , and wanted to be in your life and you took me for granted. You lost me.”

I did not reply to this text message... later this same evening (Dec 23rd)...

* I text FIL to see if I could bring SS’s presents over to he and MIL's house. He’s not home, calls MIL to see if I can come by bc SS is there. She tells him that W is on way over so I will have to wait. I text FIL about an hour later to see if W and SS have left. He texts me back that W is still there, but that she said to tell me to come over anyway.

I arrived. SS gives me big, long hug. Was there for about 45 minutes. mostly hung out with SS. W was pleasant.

W and I go outside to move presents from my car to her's. As walking out of house, She comments on my new clothes that, luckily, I was wearing when I got the go ahead to come over. She asks me if I have a g/f dressing me now. i ask her what she means, if she doesn’t like my new clothes. She says ‘no’ that she finds it odd that I am dressed stylish now that she is gone. comments how I never wear stylish jeans. We move presents. Somehow conversation transitions to the emails that she found on my email account. How I was unfaithful to her. I validate that I was wrong to engage in the email conversation, to keep emails, and not tell her that conversation occurred. I tell her that I was wrong. I know that. And I’m sorry. But that I can’t apologize for cheating bc I simply didn’t. never did. She says either way that she can’t trust me.

I explain who I was texting with last night when I accidentally sent wrong text to her. I tell her about my friend who is a woman, and who she is. W comments that there are so many women in my life who she knows nothing about, past and present. I told her that I am behaving as married man. she said something like she didn’t care but if I was telling her that and doing something different that it would be bs.

Much of conversation is hazy here. W says something about ‘so many things wrong with our relationship should have ended it long time ago’. I told her that I disagree. that I’ve done lots of reading and thousand of couples with way worse problems than our’s figure out how to make M work. tell her that I found different type of marriage counseling. referring, but not specifying, to MWD. She says that it still requires both people wanting to try, referring to fact that she is not interested in working on it. All I can do is agree. At some point she said that she doesn’t miss me bc her life is the same without me as it was with... referring to me not spending time with her.

I go back in house and hang out with SS for a while. At some point she says something about assuming that I’m going to be in Denver for Xmas b/c my mom is up visiting with me. I almost got impression taht she was considering telling me to stop by, but maybe I'm just making this up in my head. I tell her ‘no’, that we were driving to my hometown tomorrow.

I help SS take things out to car so that he and W can leave. I walk them out of house. Hug MIL. Hug SS goodbye. Tell W goodbye. She says “we’ll talk soon”. Thought that I saw look on her face like she was about to cry, but not sure.