Why do you allow contact from him? What did you do when he was kissing you? Did you pull back and tell him "no"? Why have you continued to share an email account?
He doesn't need you to be his mother. Sorry, I'm not trying to be cold-hearted, but you have to stop allowing him to treat you like he does. I'm not seeing where you've put your foot down and said, "It stops today". You may not be able to stop his A with OW, but you can stop receiving the BS he's giving you! You can stop his contacting and certainly his physical "affection".
Acting like a desparate housewife is not attractive to he WAS. Showing some spunk & sass would come closer to a much needed 180.
You did good when you did not rescue him from OW's H. You must learn not to rescue him in other ways as well. I know what you are thinking before you even respond b/c it's been said by most LBS's before. But here's the thing....his parents knew he was suppose to be there, right? So, they could check to see if he had any problems arriving.....not his LBW.
It seems that he needs a real shaking up, and so far he hasn't had it. Don't throw in the towell b/c you are tired of him hurting you! Get a different attitude and then decide what you want to do. Don't "wait" to see what he's going to do. You take power and control over your own life & happiness.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't always know the right thing to do. I'm frightened to pull away from him when he shows affection. I never know the right thing to do. Another example is sometimes he asks to meet up, it's always at lunch times so it doesn't interfere with his life after work with OW. It annoys me like hell but I'm scared if I keep saying no he'll forget about me. I don't want to be a door mat. It angers me the way he treats me, I just don't know I feel like I'm constantly wlaking on egg shells, frightened to make the wrong move
As hard as it is, you need to do what is right for YOU regardless of how you H will react.
Quote:
I feel like I'm constantly wlaking on egg shells, frightened to make the wrong move
This is because you care what your H will think or how he might react. Try to determine what your fears are and how to address them. You don't have to be mean but you should stick up for yourself and what YOU think is right without any regard for how H might react.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
Ok I think I am starting to understand. Being polite but having clear boundries so if I think something he is doing is selfish on his part I can say no or ignore him. Ok I will do this. I guess I misunderstood the part about trying to be his friend. I know it sounds stupid now that I "say it out loud". I hope it's not too late to put my new ways into action.
We can't lose what we don't have. You are afraid of losing him to OW, but what place do you hold right now? Which woman is #1 in his life? When you stop being afraid, then you will see a big difference. Go back and read that post you wrote before this one and see how many times you referred to an act of fear.
He is not afraid of losing you, apparently, b/c you are showing him that you are willing to play second fiddle to OW. You are willing to eat what few crumbs that he throws your way. You can't feel very good about yourself living like that. I hope you will go on-line and read what a healthy self-esteem looks like.
As long as my h looked the other way, I continued my EA. Your H will continue what he is doing as long as you are willing to accept a third party in this M.
Why are you afraid to reject his affection? Will he get mean and hurt you.....or are you thinking he'll never give you another kiss? How do you mean that you're afraid?
You are too valuable to be put in a position as this. If it were me, I would have to tell him that as long as OW is in the picture, he need not come around trying to see me. But, that's just me. I would not take that kind of disrespect. You know what you are willing to do and what you aren't.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
is this not the same as allowing you partner to treat you like a door mat? I don't see the difference. Maybe its just me. I understand you don't allow your "friends" to kiss you etc but I wouldn't allow a friend to lie and cheat me and to then lend them money and help them move out. Maybe I'm just heartless.
My H has never hurt me, I'm just affraid of causing irreparable damage.
Maybe DBMod could address that better than I can. I have read that article several times before, and frankly I can't see myself doing all the things "David" did in his stitch.
I have read DBMod explaining how we need to do what brings love into the R. But, with "my" personality type...and if I was his WAW, I probably would have ate David for my lunch. But, that's just me and how I am. I really would like to see that article explained from the "doormat" POV. I'm not being sarcastic and I hope my post won't get deleted, but maybe DBMod will see your question and help clarify for us, okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with you sandi2. My "old" husband is the kind of guy who would have probably reacted in a postive way if I behaved like "David" however if the OW has any influence in his current actions and desicions (Sorry sp) then i suspect i could easily be took advantage of. It depends who's pulling the strings I guess, or maybe not. Maybe I'm kidding myself, I suspect I'm being unfair to the OW and I'm still trying to see my H as the victim to some evil seductress who brainwashed him into thinking he doesn't love me.
I understand your perspective. Few people can do what David did--it's definitely the high road.
I think you want me to say you have to be careful not to be a doormat. Not to let your spouse walk all over you especially if they're having an affair or they won't respect you. I'm not going to do that. Every relationship is different.
What we didn't hear in David's tale, and I don't know if we could look his story up on the board and see more details, I'm sure it's very old--is a good deal of the couple's relationship prior to the infidelity. You can tell that the love and friendship was strong before they had problems and that their values were related to the friendship in the relationship.
It's very popular advice on the board to be tough as nails. It isn't the best advice most of the time. Taking a hard line with boundaries is very often part of the Blame Game--and ignores the fact that the LBS often needs to attract their partner back.
I personally believe strongly in the friendship advice.
I found your request by accident. Please feel free to click notify anytime you want input.
There are two examples I can think of with success with the friendship approach. One was Twin Dad and he took his inspiration from another poster that I can't remember the name of, but I am sure that Twin Dad mentioned him in his posts if you read them through.
But, that's just