Just found this thread...glad I did, our time frames are the same and I feel and could have written everything you listed in the first post on this thread myself!! Wow!!
I have the hardest time with the fact that my kids had a great dad and now don't really have one at all, that I had a great husband and he is gone, the memories, the feeling of failure no matter that I seem to be trying to do everything right raising my kids alone (I know your not, but just that whole from 5 to 4 family thing, I totally get!!) and the fact that he tells me that I am the one with the revisionist thing with our marriage, not him. He says that I have chosen to remember only the good stuff and he "lives in reality of what really went on"...NOT!! But, I am done trying to convince him.
I agree with the fact that how long it takes you to get over all this directly goes with how much your self-worth, self-esteem and self-image was wrapped up in the marriage...I was with XH since I was 18 years old, all I ever wanted was to be married, have kids, stay home and take care of them, and live happily-ever after...my parents did it and still do it, I thought that was how it would go. So, now I am lost and have been for 3 years, but slowly moving forward at the same time. Sounds like you are doing the same, the more you self-talk the better it seems to get. I tell myself everyday that I can't control my XH and he is the one missing out on what is FAMILY!! He has none and he is an extremely messed up person.
Go to the party and have fun, once you get there you will feel like being there, I have to do that all the time. My oldest D just turned 18 yesterday and she is very messed up by what has happened and it is sooo unfair to her and my other two kids, but we have to keep plugging along and "fake it til we make it"!! I know in my heart and soul it will get better and it does each day!! Hang in there!!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
A - yes, it is all very similar, sadly. I didn't thank my H for letting the kids stay with me last weekend. I'm sure he knew how disapointed they would be if they weren't there, and I know it wasn't a gesture to help me out - but for the kids, but I was thankful to have them. But, it doesn't matter, he missed out on family time, and no matter where his head is I can't let myself believe that doesn't affect him in some way. Some behavior afterwards makes me think he let them stay out of guilt, and that guilt stirred up his anger again.
At one point my H wrote that because of WHO he is, since he had an A, he could never come back - that and the fact that I "snooped" and learned the details on my own. I often think about that - about how the person I've always believed him to be would be someone to own up to his mistakes and make amends. I always thought him to be the person to do whatever it would take to make things work - especially for his family. Now, the part about resenting me for my "investigations," is still a little hard to take, because I shouldn't have had anything to "investigate." I know that was all guilt talking, but it is still hard to believe that THIS is who he is........
It still hurts that we are no longer a family of 5. I am moving towards acceptance, but it still doesn't feel "right" to me.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
Interesting how they all use the same script - and imply that in some way it is our fault. I agree it all comes from guilt. Know what you mean about it not feeling 'right' Not sure it ever does. It is so hard to accept that the lovely human being we married and lived with is just not there any more.
We know the passage of time, and the rigorous practise of detachment brings us to a place where their actions do not affect us. Sure we see our kids hurt, and that hurts, but that comes from their toxicity, and there is nothing we can do about it. But like so many of us here, I still miss the presence in my life of that loving person.
It is still amazing and daunting to me that there are so many on these boards with almost the same story as me. It really makes me feel like I am not the crazy one and that what went on in my marraige and how "normal" it was for so many years is the truth. It was only this "alien" called the MLC that took it all over. Hearing that others have lived what I have and continue to do so makes me feel like the "jeckyl and hyde" thing that I didn't think was possible or could happen to me and my family..is real and did happen. We had a good marriage, not a perfect marriage, but it was normal in all aspects, in fact, above normal from what I have learned the last three years.
What is hard to understand is why if there are so many of us out there who experience this it isn't addressed to the fullest by the media, therapists, psychologists, etc. And, why the person going thru the MLC can't read and see all the evidence that this is what is happening to them and get help in time to save so many from the pain and fall-out that happens to the LBS and kids!! I looked and looked for someone to reach out to my XH to convince him that he was making a huge mistake and would reach him in time, but there was no one who understood enough to make him see it and there still isn't. He still blames me, still won't look at reality and still wants to live like he is and now I have learned that that isn't my problem anymore, that he is on his own journey and I am done being anything but a very distant co-parent with him. But, that doesn't take away what has happened and all that was lost and sacarficed because of his "turning to the dark side" of MLC. Little things pop into my head, like today it was.."how could he have just sold our marital bed, the one we picked out together a few months before he went nuts, that we were so excited to be able to afford and one we both loved so much, how he gave our patio set to the OW without a thought or care when we picked that out together for our daugher's 5th birthday party we were hosting" Of couse, there are much more major things he did that are always in the back of my mind, but sometimes the little ones are worse. He lost our dream house to short-sale, not for financial reasons, but because he wanted to no responsibility and to be with the OW!!
We all have these stories and losses, but I guess being the person I am I will never, ever understand how his mind is so far gone that he can't see it and doesn't care, when he was sooo not this person for 20 years, and I saw it and lived it, he was normal, he was a good dad and husband, he loved us and it was very real. I can forgive and move on, but I will never understand. Family is the most important thing in my life, I don't get how he is missing his kids grow up for no reason at all when he loved them more than life for 16 years, and I saw that love and it was real, and now he just could careless all the events and times he is missing.
Well, I have gone on and on, here, but I had to vent. I made a promise to myself for 2011, I am moving on, I am clearing my path for a new man to come down it someday, I am not blocking my blessings with and for a man who doesn't want to be with me for whatever the reason. I deserve better than a liar and cheater no matter how sick he is or the MLC. One day he will be the one who is sorry and crying, and I will feel very bad for him and sad for him because I do love him, but reality is he is 44 years old and made his own choices, and is on his own path, at some point he has to be made accountable in my mind for what he has done and the excuses I have made for him because of his childhood, addictions, mental problems, loss of reality, MLC, etc. just don't matter anymore. It is about me and only me, not me working on me to see if he will notice and come home. I am honest in saying that I am glad I have done the work, I have a long way to go, I will always be a work in progress, but I always thought that he would notice and care, and I am done having that as even a tenth of the reason I work on me!! It is all about me now and he is never coming home and I am finally glad cause I would never live in peace with someone who could do all he has done no matter the reasons!!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
My heart went out to you when I read this post. I too have wondered why this whole thing doesn't get more attention. It is very hard to explain what happened to anyone who didn't know my h pre-MLC. In fact I don't even try.
I suspect that the full blown total change that we see so often described here is actually quite rare in society as a whole. I don't know anyone in the 'real world' who had this happen - although I have two friends whose h's had mild MLC crises, which lasted a few months. They have been hugely supportive because they got a glimpse of the dark side.
Some of us want to understand, others say it isn't necessary, just detach. I am glad I spent a long time reading and finding out what was likely going on with my h, psychologically, because I don't want to live in such a random world where 'these things happen' as some people say. They don't, the seeds were planted a long time ago, and actually I think those of us who had very happy marriages kept these poor crazy people going for longer than they might otherwise have managed. One could say we enabled them to some extent as well . . .
Work on detachment, as all of us need to, and one day it will be OK. It was terrifying to me how someone could change so dramatically. Now I understand more about it, it disturbs me less. My bomb was more than 5 years ago, and the poor man is still stuck in depression, having wrecked his life. What a fate. There are no winners in this, but as Holly said it is a clarion call in our life, which perhaps we only fully see later on. .
It is truly remarkable the changes that occur. Sometimes I think they may just be natural changes in a person that has abandoned all that they once stood for. Part of a natural evolution. It does appear that it all fits with the MLC mold at times, but as time moves on I try to avoid labels - because in the end it doesn't really matter what label we use.
I miss the man that my H used to be. I mourn the loss of that person and wish that my children had the opportunity to know him as he once was. He is a very loving and caring father, but what this has done to him and what he has gone/going through has changed WHO he is.
A - I will also never understand, but know that I must ACCEPT and I work towards that every day. No matter what is going on with my H, and no matter what he might say, I am confident that he is not at peace with himself.
I will face this New Year with the understanding (finally) that there is nothing that I can do for him and this year will be all about ME...........................
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
I had a dream last night that my H came home. Said he was tired. I held him. It was like none of this happened, but I woke up. The reality of the last 3 years is still there. It had been awhile. I wish the dreams would stop. He only continues to pull farther and farther away. Last year at this time he still seemed to care in a way, but not anymore. Standing [censored]. My knees are getting weak.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
Handling, I have dreams like that all the time and it has been over two years since XH left and 4 years since start of MLC! I know my XH is down and out and very tired of his life. He has no job, no family, no house of his own, lives like he is 21 again, etc.
I had several conversations with him yesterday due to issues with D18 and in one of them I told him "I am going to say this one last time, don't respond and take time to really think about it, but you are more than welcome to move up here (he lives 700 miles away from us), move into my condo, D18 and I will live at my parents (they are in Florida for 3 months and live 3 minutes from my condo), it will save you and us huge amounts of money each month and you have three HUGE reasons (our kids) to do it on top of that" He said "you're right I do". I quickly told him that his side jobs he has there can be found up here and ended the topic.
I am still moving forward, with the door open behind me as I walk down the hall, I refuse to put my life on hold any longer, but I would love for him to move up here for the kids, they need their Dad, and since he has come out of the tunnel to a certain degree, he has been a better Dad, as best he can be from 700 miles away and still in MLC. And, I could use some help, I am working full-time, going to school almost full-time and raising kids alone, it is tough, so any help XH could give would be great!
He won't move up here, he values his "friends" down there more than his kids, but he will always know that I was willing to help him and such. But, really I have my selfish reasons too, which is good for once, cause it use to be all about him and what I could do to "show him" and "please him"
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I seem to be doing well focusing on me and my life these days. I know that my life is my own and that my marriage is dead. Today I'm struck by thinking about what WAS. What I believed it to be. All of the good memories, the good times and happiness that I had - all the while thinking THIS could never happent to me and to us.
On top of that there is not one friend or family member of mine that has validated my memory. I don't want to relive it all - because reliving stirs up the pain of what I feel I've lost.
What I wouldn't give for one person that has known H and known US from the beginning to reach out to me and validate that my memories are true. It's beginning to all feel like a dream......in the beginning THIS felt like a nightmare. Now as time passes it seems that I was living a lie. Hard to deal with, especially since in the end it doesn't really matter.....my past is past. What I believe to be then is gone. It's over. My M is dead. The man I loved with all my heart and soul would be happy if I were too.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
I will validate your memory. There were good times for all of us. It is the same as mine, just different people.
Your marraige was dead at BD just like everyone elses here. Not sure that your husband wishes you dead. He just has no "feelings" We must all go on living our lives, it is the only way to move forward.
