Congrats Kemper! I think that this is going very well for you. These events with your sitch is inspiring me to continue on with mine! thanks.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Sorry I didn't see your quandary until now, but I think you handled it very well. It's important to be able to state your boundaries and stick to them. Missher's analogy of the combatant putting down the gun first is very good. Now you need to see that she will meet your actions.
On the other hand, I do want to warn you that some of these OM who go around "stealing" wives are clingy, messed up types. Not to say they all are. But sometimes, they are not people who take rejection well. I'm not sure that you should butt completely out of her business of ending it if he is the clingy, "you can't leave me" type. Just let her know that if there is trouble with him, she can count on you to back her up. After all, she is still your wife, and if things go sour, he might need a man to explain it to him. I know this sounds soap opera-ish, but stranger things have happened!
Oh, and the end of February will be here soon enough. If she is serious about fixing your marriage, it's not too soon to make the reservation for Retrouvaille. You can begin MC first. If you tell the MC that you are planning to go to Retrouvaille, they usually are very supportive. Many MC's are not aware of the program, but when they check into it, they support it enthusiastically.
As of now OM is still not out of the picture as far as I know.
W and I had a few text exchanges today regarding a pay raise she got for her promotion, and also about our boys. The last text exchange has me perplexed.
For those of you that don't know my W was a stay at home mom before all of this happened. I was able to financially support our family on my salary alone. Six months after my W moved out she re-entered the workforce. A few month later she started looking for a part time job that was flexible so she could make extra money. The part time job she found required training but she missed the first class.
Fast forward to today. W texted me to let me know that she is going to the training on Jan 22. She was not sure what the current custody schedule was due to a bunch of changes the month of Dec. We discussed the custody schedule and she asked if I could keep the boys on the 21st. After training W is going to pick them up so they can spend the rest of the weekend with her. I have no issues spending time with my boys or helping W out if we need to switch up schedules.
However, what I am confused about is if my W is serious about reconciliation why is she attending the training? If we were together she wouldn’t need the extra money the part time job would provide. Maybe it is just me but I don’t feel that her actions are consistent with someone that would be moving toward reconciliation.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
Well,....I disagree with you there. Everyone needs to be able to make a living in today's world. Even if your wife returns to the home and stay-at-home momness, she should take advantage of job training for the future. There are so many factors at work here, I don't know if I can explain it all. This is from the view of a woman who was proud to stay home when finances allowed it, but had to jump into the workforce periodically, because expenses always grow faster than income.
1. I loved my little children, but staying home with them was boring. I had no adults to talk to all day. I felt cloistered and alone, and the worst for me was going to the park and pushing a swing. My kids loved loved it, but I hated it. Your kids are very young, your wife faces many years of little adult contact if she stays home.
2. Staying home is terrible for the ego. You go to parties and all the talk is about jobs and careers, and there's the SAHM with invisible (or maybe visible) puke on her shoulder. A part-time job gives a woman a chance to put on nice clothes, go out among adults, do something judged worthwhile by society and bring home a paycheck. And at a party, she has something to talk about besides temper tantrums and which pre-school her kids go to.
3. The paycheck allows a woman to buy things she would like without having to ask permission. For example, if I want new clothes, I can use my money from my job to buy them and not feel bad that I spent more than my would H approve of. Or I can pay for a vacation, dinner out, whatever I feel like, without asking for approval from my husband (who is very tight with money).
4. The past crisis brought up her dependence and inability to to be a person on her own if she needs to. Even if the crisis is gone, something else could happen. Women need to at the very least have the ability to do productive part-time work.
I'll think of more. The list is very long. Empowering your wife to be a full individual is likely to make her more satisfied with her marriage, not less.
I should have added to the post that while we have not talked about it I have no interest in my W going back to being a stay at home mom. My sons have been learning and growing so much since they have started pre-school.
I think one of the issues in our M was that my W didn't see value in what she was doing. All the points that you mention I agree 100% with which is why I don't think my W would go back to being a stay at home mom.
I also agree that training can always be beneficial. I guess my assumption (yes I know what happens when we assume) was that she would continue with the job she currently has vs. doing the part time job if we reconciled.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
You are getting some great advice here buddy ... but the best I've seen so far is the 2x6 with the word "TIME" engraved on the side of it
Time is your friend, and patience is the only thing that will get you through this. I also like Lotus's post about having your wife's back when it comes to a potentially clingy OM. Oh, and Lotus's stuff re women and working etc ... BANG ON!
Deep breaths ... go slow ... u got this ...
Peace and Happy New Year, PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I dropped the boys off at W's house and she was talking with a friend for the first time after the friend lost her husband a few weeks ago. W asked me to stay a little while so that I could hang out with the boys while she finished her conversation. After she got off the phone I proceeded to say goodnight to the boys and headed out. Our oldest son was visibly upset and saying that he was going to miss me.
About 10 minutes after I left my oldest son called to say he wanted to spend the night at my house. I let him know that I had plans and he needed to spend time with his mother.
I met up with a friend and we were on our way out when my son called again to ask if I could drop off a toy for him. I let him know that I was out and that if he wanted the toy the next time he would need to remember to pack it to take to his mother's house.
My friend and I were out having dinner and drinks when my oldest son called again to say he loved me and missed me. I said good night to both of my sons, told them I loved them and that I would talk to them tomorrow.
After dinner and drinks my friend and I went back to his place to hang out and bring in the new year. While we were sitting and talking my phone went off indicating I had a text from W.
It isn't the new year yet, what could W be texting me for?
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
