A few thoughts. 1. Don't beat yourself up for telling you wife you missed ML. Just don't. But I do have a question - why do you miss it? Do you think you are just using it a proxy for how she feels about you? Or is it a physical need? because you can help that. For me, I didn't know if I was even ready for that giving what had gone one - the EA, the divorce/separation talk, me going through what I was going through. I really couldn't imagine that and our sex life was great before this happened. I wasn't ready to jump back into things and my wife probably sensed that.
2. You need to stop this comparing to OM. Despite what her "fog" feelings are...she married you, she is still living with you, she spoons with you and spends time with you. More time than the OM gets I'm sure. There are people on here where their SO is living with the OM/OW. That's not you.
3. You also need to stop trying to discern what you wife is thinking. YOU DON'T KNOW. You may not think anything you are doing is working (believe me, I have been there) But you don't know, only she knows and I think she is giving you some signs that your changes are positive. You changes might have made you very attractive to your wife, but that doesn't mean she's ready. Which leads me to ....
4. You need to move at her pace. I'm sure she sense your anxiety about wanting physical affection and I'm sure it puts her off. The moment you stop expecting/hoping/wishing is the moment things will changes.
5. All this talk about you finding another woman to "fill the void" is downright crazy. Are you really committed to making this work or do you just need a body to make you feel good? Sorry to be blunt. But you have to ask yourself that. Do you just want the ML and the hugs or do you want the feeling behind the hugs, ML, etc.
I too, like you, have an LL of physical touch and yes I did get mad at the pace my W was moving. Heck, I even expressed this to her (despite DB saying not to). But the only thing that worked was keeping up my DB effort. that was THE ONLY THING. There is no magic formula. Believe me she is working too. You have this theme in your posts that you are doing "more" than she is to save the M. Get off that horse, buddy. (Like I've said, I've been there and felt that). You don't think she's working too? I know she is, but it's just different than how you are working. Again, you are assuming way to much.
I realize my situation has changed and is different from yours, but I know things really started happening for us when I just decided that I could wait for my wife to be ready and just try to enjoy the moments. And she has surprised me ever since. It's okay to miss the affection. It's okay to want that and wonder when it will return. We are human. But you can't let it control you.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
