Am I piecing? Just can't tell 2...

[InAPickle]

"Knowing these things doesn't help my sitch and only makes me feel awful."

Stop snooping and imagining and you might not feel so awful.
Do it for you; you've got start being happy.
Be that that guy she fell in love with.
He's inside you, and maybe just maybe...
if those feelings are buried, they will surface in her.

She knows you feel like crap; that's not attractive; it's dependent.

You da man, be da man.

[Harrier]

SBH,

A few thoughts.
1. Don't beat yourself up for telling you wife you missed ML. Just don't. But I do have a question - why do you miss it? Do you think you are just using it a proxy for how she feels about you? Or is it a physical need? because you can help that.
For me, I didn't know if I was even ready for that giving what had gone one - the EA, the divorce/separation talk, me going through what I was going through. I really couldn't imagine that and our sex life was great before this happened. I wasn't ready to jump back into things and my wife probably sensed that.

2. You need to stop this comparing to OM. Despite what her "fog" feelings are...she married you, she is still living with you, she spoons with you and spends time with you. More time than the OM gets I'm sure. There are people on here where their SO is living with the OM/OW. That's not you.

3. You also need to stop trying to discern what you wife is thinking. YOU DON'T KNOW. You may not think anything you are doing is working (believe me, I have been there) But you don't know, only she knows and I think she is giving you some signs that your changes are positive. You changes might have made you very attractive to your wife, but that doesn't mean she's ready. Which leads me to ....

4. You need to move at her pace. I'm sure she sense your anxiety about wanting physical affection and I'm sure it puts her off. The moment you stop expecting/hoping/wishing is the moment things will changes.

5. All this talk about you finding another woman to "fill the void" is downright crazy. Are you really committed to making this work or do you just need a body to make you feel good? Sorry to be blunt. But you have to ask yourself that. Do you just want the ML and the hugs or do you want the feeling behind the hugs, ML, etc.

I too, like you, have an LL of physical touch and yes I did get mad at the pace my W was moving. Heck, I even expressed this to her (despite DB saying not to). But the only thing that worked was keeping up my DB effort. that was THE ONLY THING. There is no magic formula.
Believe me she is working too. You have this theme in your posts that you are doing "more" than she is to save the M. Get off that horse, buddy. (Like I've said, I've been there and felt that). You don't think she's working too? I know she is, but it's just different than how you are working. Again, you are assuming way to much.

I realize my situation has changed and is different from yours, but I know things really started happening for us when I just decided that I could wait for my wife to be ready and just try to enjoy the moments. And she has surprised me ever since. It's okay to miss the affection. It's okay to want that and wonder when it will return. We are human. But you can't let it control you.

[Sad_but_happy]

Actually Pickle, I don't show her my crappy side. And believe it or not, I am better when we are together.

I actually think it's a trust issue that I have to deal with. When I'm with her I feel great. When I'm not I feel awful and get anxiety. I know that this is something that I have to deal with and get over.

Anyway, I am being that guy she fell in love with (I think). I mean who the heck really knows what they want?

I just hope I can hold out long enough until she gets those "in love" feelings back. Otherwise, we all know that the LBS is also vulnerable to the same temtations that the WAS was when being denied their LL.

Another danger is losing hope that the WAS will ever really return... And so the LBS becomes the WAS. Happens all the time...

[Sad_but_happy]

OK.. No more OW talk!!!

That's just me in denial of my sitch...

I will work to get her back at her pace. but this is killing me.

Thanks Harrier!!!

[Sad_but_happy]

And you're right... My imagination is totally controling my actions...

Damn this is hard!

WTF... Sorry to be giving everyone the wrong impression of me... I'm really noy cocky, I'm scared (but will not show W)!

Thanks everyone!!!

[Sad_but_happy]

Also, I'm so afraid to back off physically. Just not sure what to do. Today I left my W a gift for her to find in the car when she went to work. She called and thanked me and said I spoil her. I playfully asked her if I should stop and she said, "no, I love being spoiled".

Soooooo, do I stop pursuing physically and just work on her LL (acts of service and gifts)?

If I have been somewhat physical and stop will she think I'm not being attentive? OR will she feel less pressure and be greatful to be able to work out her physical feelings on her own?

I guess I can be physical without hugs or kissing. Just sitting close and lying close with no expectations.

OK, I'm back to square one on the physical stuff... And will continue gifts and acts of service but not overdo it...

[Harrier]

Dude,

I know it's hard. I know it's tough. I had my moments too. Moving at someone else's pace is always frustrating. Things could fall apart for me tomorrow. It's good that you are keeping these thoughts mostly to yourself or on the board. For me there were many morning which I asked to myself on the way to work 'Why can't she even give me a G-D hug?" Thinking that doesn't make you a bad person, though. It's who you are.

But if I had pushed the issue with my W, I would not have had the night I had last night. My W told me that straight up. I didn't even bring up sex for the whole 9 weeks and I still won't now even thought we ML last night (Don't know if you saw my post)
All the things that I was doing that I thought she didn't notice or didn't care. She noticed and she did care.

I know you aren't cocky and I know the fear, but you can't let it control.

[Sad_but_happy]

I did see your post Harrier and I am happy for you. The fact that you felt her warm body close to you must have been heaven. It's like tasting food for the first time after a long time.

She gave you herself, and thats a precious gift. Never take it for granted. I know when my W gives herself to me again, I will not take it for granted ever again.

I will take your advice, and try to lose the fear. It really is all in my head. I am afraid to let her out of my sight (though I never show her that) even though she has given me EVERY reason to trust her. There is absolutly NO indication that she still sees or talks to OM. In all honesty, I believe OM is not contacting W and told her to work it out with me and that he does not want to be the cause of a family break up.

If my W knew my inner struggle I'm sure she would leave me but isn't that true of everyone here?

I'm in a weird place, not LRT, not drop the rope... She has agreed to work it out so I have to let it happen at her pace and I will starting tonight.

We even enjoyed wine and cheese last night while sitting together by a fire. And she texted me earlier today to say that she wants to do wine together tonight.

I need to breath and relax my brain and my thoughts. I'm really cool and happy at home. But once I get on these boards my mind races... So weird...

[angel61]

For those of us whose LL is physical touch, not having it is like being starved to death. I understand that, SBH.

Lets be thankful that our spouses are still with us. Mine also made the choice to stay, and so we go for days sometimes being friendly, but like you, I also always feel judged and challenged and compared to OW. Everyone's advice though is to be what you are (changes included though!) as you would rather have your spouse stay with you because of what you are and not because you have become like the OM!

Sometimes I wonder if being S would make things go faster so they would miss us more!

[Sad_but_happy]

You are so right Angel. I do wonder if pushing hard would help my sitch and make my W realize that she is about to be on her own. About to lose her children 50% of the time. About to give up her lifestyle. At the same time I feel that she has a safety net with OM possibly still being there waiting for her email or call. And yes, I want her to choose me for me...

So I will not do that... Yet!

At the same time I just don't know how long I can go without physical touch. Or someone WANTING me. I realize that we should not depend on others to make us feel whole but there is nothing like sharing and caring with someone that WANTS to share and care with you. If that sounds weak, so be it... I love to love and I love to be loved...

I am thankful to have her and have my family in tack and not torn apart.

And I am sooooo sorry for anyone that is in that type of sitch. You have amazing strength to keep going!