Am I piecing? Just can't tell 2...

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi Guys,
Sorry for the delay in posting. Just got very busy. Thanks for asking how I'm doing. The holidays went well. Had lots of fun with the kids. I did make one big mistake on Christmas Eve.

We got home from a great time at a friends house. We went to a party and I drank waaaaay too much. So here is what happened.

Came home and got angry cause W let the kids open their first presant while I was in the bathroom. It made me angry cause I thought it should have been done as a family. Anyway W didn't mean to do it maliciously but like I said i had too much to drink. So I came in the room angry which mage my W angry and she said why don't you go to bed in an angry tone. Of course my anxiety rose. The worst part of your W having an EA is the LBS feels as if they are being compared to this perfect OM or OW(mind reading).So any time you mess up, you feel like you are losing your S. So you panic to make things right.

Anyway, after we both relaxed I stupidly opened myself up to W. Told her I missed her and felt lonely. Told her I miss ML. Didn't cry but shed a few tears. SO STUPID!!! I WAS SO ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS BUT DIDN"T LET HER SEE THAT. Do NOT drink and DB!!!

Anyway, after all that we went to several parties the following days. She sat on my lap once and we still spoon every night. She leans into me more on her own. Still have wine every night and read marriage books together.

I didn't lie by the way. I am lonely and I do miss ML.

I am in such an odd gray area. She seems committed to the M but affection is not happening on her part. I assume it's cause she wants to feel those "in love" feelings again. My problem is that I can't live without affection. It is my LL.

I am sooo afraid that I am going to wander to OW just to feel something. I so want it from W but she is holding back. Everything we read tells to give to your S and nurture the R but she just can't seem to do that.

It's not right that the WAS and LBS both make mistakes in the R. Then the WAS decides to do something very bad like see OP. Then the LBS has to fight for marriage by giving the WAS anything and everything that will bring them back.

If they want to be left alone, we leave them alone. If they want their LL met, we meet it.

Sandi, am I being compared to OM every day or is she comparing the new me to the old me? I truly believe she is not going anywhere and wants to stay married but this lack of physical affection is really killing me!!! And knowing that she would readily give it to OM just adds fuel to the fire!!!

Ugh..