LRT and Christmas

[barbsing1]

Thanks for checking in. Update on me - news not so hot.

I have been very reactive the past 10 days - really just not able to deal with the constant rejection and cruel actions of H. Knowing he had purchased ex-wife the same phone as me hurt. Finding out he went to my favorite jewelry store (a place he buys a special gift for me every Christmas) and purchased something for her there killed me. He also got me something there (from the kids) but it was the piece of lesser value. Guess it doesn't really matter who got the nicer piece at this point, right?! There was nothing under the tree for me from him and I sat there feeling like a dummy while everyone else opened their gifts.

As usual, I didn't keep my mouth shut about knowing he had purchased her some jewelry (found out on the same credit card statement I saw the phone on). Right after I mentioned something he said "I want to puke! This is making me sick! You keep making things worse for yourself - if you had never seen the statement, you would have never known about the purchases and you wouldn't have been hurt like this!". So ya - I messed up because I guess by looking at the statement I was snooping and by bringing it up to H, I was doing "more of the same" - but he twists things - so now it is my fault I am in pain. Has nothing to do with his choices. It's all me. I just feel so overwhelmed and stressed. After this conversation, as per his usual pattern, he became affectionate and kind with his words, complimenting me on this and that. Guess this is his way of saying sorry.

So we had a few more relationship talks, mostly initiated by me because I'm half out of my mind knowing he calls her from our home each evening. I have tried setting a boundary with him on this, but he has chosen not to respect it. And as usual, they ended horribly. I have come to the conclusion that I just can't DB with him in the house. It is too difficult for me, given the circumstances.

We went shopping for provisions a few days ago and I noticed he wasn't getting anything. I noted to him that he must be moving out soon. He said he was - next week. I asked him if this is what he wanted - he said it was what he needed. I accepted this, acknowledged he needed this and that I knew we would do what was best for the kids. He became sullen after this comment and that evening sat by me on the couch for the first time in a long while. The next day I overheard him talking to his ex - so I confronted him again. It's just one big vicious cycle. I seek affirmation, he distances, I distance, he moves closer, he breaks his promises and I start doing "more of the same". I have not been able to implement the LRT because I would just be doing it for him and to get him back. I know in my heart and soul that once he has moved out, I will embody the LRT because it's what I want and need. I also NEED him to be out and have stated as such - I have agreed with him this is the right thing to do not to shake his foundation but because I really believe it to be true.

His whole deal of wanting to stay through December was that he wanted to spend the holidays with the kids. I just watched him walk out the door to head to a bowl game about 5 hours away - he told me he was not sure if he was returning tomorrow or the next day. By the look of his garment bag, I'd say he is planning to spend new year's eve elsewhere. Without prompting, he said he was not spending it with her and that he viewed this trip as a way for him to just get away - no one controlling his time or actions, no one checking up on him, no one wanting anything from him. My actions thus far have continued to reinforce I am trying to control him because he views my boundaries (such as no contact with ex while in our home) as control. He came to hug me goodbye and I wished him a happy and safe trip - asked nothing about who, what, where, etc. I felt good about how I handled that - for me. When I engage angrily, I feel guilty. I don't want to feel guilty anymore.

there are many things I could have done differently in the past 4 months since he returned home. Some things I did right, others, not so much. I often wonder if I didn't make things worse. But then I sit back and remember that his pattern is to blame me and my pattern is to accept the blame. I remember that he is going through some major stuff in his life, is confused and will continue to project his self-hatred onto me and the kids. He won't be able to do that after he has moved out. I have engaged the alien for the last time. I can be a very black and white person at times - this is one of those times. While you are here, I can't let go. But when you walk out the door, while it is true that I still love you, I will move on with my life. I have done it before and will do it again in this situation.

I feel so much sadness for my H. To be that confused - to change from a man of integrity to a man without a moral compass - it's just so, so sad. He lost ex-wife once - and the fear of losing her again is the only thing that motivates him right now. He is not thinking clearly about all he will lose without me, our family, our home, our life.

So here I stand, holding my little girl who is crying for her daddy and wondering why he left for a couple of days. I can only imagine what it will be like when he moves out for good.

Sorry so long.