Trying to move forward....

[ericmsant2]

Kissak,

I will respond to some of this based on what I am going through and feeling these days. Some of which I have not posted.

Eric, Im not so sure I feel angry at myself...then again, maybe I am a little bit angry for ever believing him and letting him do this to me.

IMO, look at this a little closer….Here is what I have been feeling lately (maybe it will help).

I am totally pissed at myself and STBXW. Why? First off, for 18 months I have allowed her to cake eat, for over 18 months I laid down and allowed her to stomp on me and to some extent control MY life. Was that her fault? NOPE – it was a choice I made and I am angry at myself for making that choice. I also angry for not having enough SELF RESPECT to put some strict boundaries in place. Maybe Kissak, your angry because you took him back even though YOU probably knew he would cheat again. Maybe you are angry at yourself because YOU did not have enough confidence in yourself to stand up and kick his as* out. Maybe you are still angry because deep down inside you still love him and yet you cannot understand why. So reach down inside and try and find out why you are angry. I believe that all LBS have some anger at themselves.

I dont like being lovey dovey with him, but I need to figure out why I feel bad if he asks for a hug and I dont give him one.

A little story…..If you go out to eat and the food and service is HORRIBLE. Are you the type to still leave a tip, even thought the service and food was horrible? IF yes, then why? I suspect because you may not like conflict, you may not feel comfortable standing up for what you believe in. If the answer is NO, you would not leave a tip. Then why do you feel bad if your H ask for a hug and YOU do not give him one? Could it be that you really need to learn how and what Kissak feels comfortable with and then react based on how YOU feel?

His response of "OK" when I told him I knew he was messing around with the OW, well that just affirmed to me that it was true, he was a liar and wasnt ever in this marriage.

Story # 2……the police catch a bank robber down the block with a bag of money. They ask him where did he get the cash – the robber lies. The police ask him to put his arm behind his back so that they can cuff the robber. His response “ok”.
So….do you think the police officer EXPECTED a YES from the robber? The moral I guess is this…..when you stop expecting the robber to stand up and say yeah I did it, you free yourself from the pain of waiting or expecting something that you may never get.

I know I will never get an honest answer out of him.

Yes you know and YOU also still expect one from him. You may never get it.

But I think that I just wanted him to know that I "knew". Whether he decides to tell me the truth or not, he knows what the truth is.

Honestly Kissak, deep down inside you knew that he already knew. I think you were hoping that he would change his mind, see your pain, see the pain that this is causing and come to his senses. He will NOT until and IF he ever decides to look at himself. Please stop thinking that anything you say or do will change his mind, his actions or make him all of a sudden start telling the truth. (Eric please read this for yourself)

but honestly it probably made him feel just as good. I think he wants me to be mad at him for what I did. Just so he could feel better....does that make sense to yall like it does me?

Makes a lot of sense to me. Helps him justify his actions. Helps him say to himself….you see she has not changed. Kissak, can 3 women have a baby in 3 months? Do you think you can help speed up or fast forward his growth or his moving out of his crisis?

I just hope it doesnt take 20 years..

Will come a time when you really don’t give a chit if it takes 20 years or 20 days.

It took 18 years for me to see the truth

What truth? Kissak, sorry to say but I doubt the whole 18 years were horrible. I doubt that the breakdown was just his fault. IMO, do not disrespect your M that way. This comment also shows anger, which is okay just recognize it. Do not let his need to rewrite history make you do the same. Two wrongs do not make a right!

once a cheater always a cheater

IMO, WRONG. That would also be saying that people cannot change. Kissak, have you changed? Can you change? I’m not defending him ftr, just pointing out that he may be able to change. I also want to point out that his change is HIS issue – not yours.

I honestly think my H would have sex with me now and in his mind he would justify it to the OW as "well, we are still married".

The other question I would have is would YOU have sex with him? Stop thinking about what HE WOULD or WOULD NOT do and start thinking about what Kissak WANTS to do.

Im happy, just not with my situation.

Then change your sitch. What is stopping you? Really Kissak ….ask yourself…what is stopping you? Is it him or is it YOU? Does he control YOU? Does he determine what YOU do in YOUR life for YOU? Legality aside, what is really stopping you? Look Kissak, take a stand for YOU. Do whatever the hel* you want to do and stop thinking about HIM.

Now, tell me how to handle this. He will text me, and say smile, its beautiful or smile beautiful. Crap like that. Im not one for being rude,

IF he text you and asked you to buy a gift for OW would you? I suspect NOT. Then why do you feel the need to respond? Hmmmmm….must be cause a piece of you still wants to remain close to him and probably more than just as a co-parent. A text regarding the kids that is civil and to the point is one thing…a text that says “thank you” to someone that is f*cking someone else says something else. IMO, it says….(I’m sorry here)….”I do not value myself enough yet”. Kissak – fuc* his text. You do not need to respond!

I know he just really wants me to be happy for whatever sick reasons he has,

Hmmm….wants you to be happy OR wants to keep you where he has you, which is stuck.

Sorry to be so hard on you Kissak…please just give some thought to what I wrote.

Happy New Year

Eric