I kinda let my H have it last night....through texting anyway. He come and got the kids a couple of hours last night. Wanted to know why I was in a mood. I werent trying to be, but I guess because I werent all lovey dovey with him, he sensed something was wrong. When he left, he texted me and said that he still cared. I let it out...told him if he ever cared he would have never screwed around behind my back the whole time!! He then said that he loved me and always would even though he would still get mad at me at times he would still love me. Ok, well I then I felt the need to say that I knew he was messing around with this woman he is currently with and that made me like her even less, and he just said OK. Then, lol, I asked him why on earth would he ever be interested in a woman that would screw around with married men....ok, he didnt answer because I then said nevermind....I will never get the answers I want and I ended it saying he was an a$$ for doing all of this to me, and he AGREED.
OK, probably not what I should have done, but boy did it make me feel lots better!! lol
Just trying to work through some anger and resentment towards him. I felt it last night and had to let it out on him. Didnt really care about how it made him feel at that moment.
I think what i struggle with most is him being with someone else. I hate it. I want him to be hurt by her, I want him to hurt like I have. Then I ask myself, why would I want unhappiness for him if I ever loved him? I know I love him. So why do I want him to be unhappy?
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Oh, forgot to mention that when the kids come home last night they had gifts from the OW that she sent to H's house for them. I was proud of myself....I said nothing about it.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Schadenfreude (delight in another person's misfortune) It's a normal emotion. Don't worry about it, don't get obsessed with it.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Kissak I’m sorry that you had a tough go yesterday. Everything that you are going through, the anger, the frustration, everything it is all part of the process. I too am quite angry Kissak…actually I feel a tremendous amount of rage. I suspect that the anger you feel although directed at your H is really anger that you have towards yourself. Maybe I am projecting a bit here, honestly I do not know. What I do know is this… You have to just feel it and go through it. No short cuts for either of us Kissak. Think back to what others have said to you….take the anger and use it not as a sword but as a shield. I have also realized that…. Anger = not detached enough
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I werent all lovey dovey with him
Why would you be. He is f*cking someone else. Look you can be civil but that does not mean nice or lovey dovey.
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When he left, he texted me and said that he still cared.
He honestly in his mind probably does as fu*ked up as that sounds. You see in his mind this is over, in his heart right now this is over. It is not for YOU yet. Hence, your angry and he is not. Start to accept and realize that the M, his feelings, his lack of concern is really just who he is right now.
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then I felt the need to say that I knew he was messing around with this woman he is currently with and that made me like her even less, and he just said OK.
What does his response of “ok” tell you? Honestly…what does it tell you?
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I asked him why on earth would he ever be interested in a woman that would screw around with married men....ok, he didnt answer because I then said nevermind....I will never get the answers I want and I ended it saying he was an a$$ for doing all of this to me, and he AGREED.
Ah…..your still EXPECTING him to give you an honest answer. FTR, I still struggle with this one. For some reason it seems like both of us seem to think that all of a sudden they are going to begin to be honest. We both know better yet we still have this expectation. Yesterday a friend help me figure some of this out and help remind me of one thing….DB101 change how you look at thing or change what your expectations are. You see, my expectation are back to…1) they will lie, do not EXPECT the truth 2) they have already detached so expect NOTHING 3) expect the answer to be totally out of this world. Ya see if we keep our expectation in check we are apt not to get disappointed and frustrated.
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Just trying to work through some anger and resentment towards him. I felt it last night and had to let it out on him. Didnt really care about how it made him feel at that moment.
At least you let it out. Now what I guess I should tell you (pay attention to what YOU are writing Eric)…is that ya have to learn how to release that anger away from him. Not because you don’t want to hurt his feelings – no fuc* his feeling right now – you need to divert because DO YOU want to live YOUR life so pissed at him that everytime YOU see him YOU are upset?
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I want him to be hurt by her, I want him to hurt like I have.
1) Karma 2) What goes around comes around
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So why do I want him to be unhappy?
Maybe because you are not happy? Ya know they say misery loves company.
Kissak find those things that make you happy and go do them. Do them not to hurt him, not to make him jealous, do them because they make YOU happy.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I too have had thoughts about OW hurting my H, but I know that won't happen. What I do know, is he will eventually hurt her. Being in the MLC state, she will one day be a source of pain for him, and not me. But, when you play with fire you get burned and I see that will happen to her one day. If after 20 years he did it to me, he will do it to her. Hopefully, it won't take 20 years, LOL!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Eric, Im not so sure I feel angry at myself...then again, maybe I am a little bit angry for ever believing him and letting him do this to me. Maybe that's it, but its not something that stays in my mind.
I have kept in mind lately what you have said about using the anger to shield my heart. It does work somewhat.
I dont like being lovey dovey with him, but I need to figure out why I feel bad if he asks for a hug and I dont give him one.
His response of "OK" when I told him I knew he was messing around with the OW, well that just affirmed to me that it was true, he was a liar and wasnt ever in this marriage.
I am trying to keep my expectations low. I know I will never get an honest answer out of him. BUt I think that I just wanted him to know that I "knew". Whether he decides to tell me the truth or not, he knows what the truth is.
I am glad I got some anger out at him....but honestly it probably made him feel just as good. I think he wants me to be mad at him for what I did. Just so he could feel better....does that make sense to yall like it does me?
But you are right, what comes around goes around. And LORIE, like you said, I just hope it doesnt take 20 years....It took 18 years for me to see the truth...I often wonder if she will be just as blind....who cares though right....once a cheater always a cheater. Its a habit for them. They will continue to do it because they see nothing wrong with it!! They find ways to justify it!!! I honestly think my H would have sex with me now and in his mind he would justify it to the OW as "well, we are still married".
And your right Eric, maybe I dont want him to be happy because Im not happy right now. I mean, Im happy, just not with my situation.
Now, tell me how to handle this. He will text me, and say smile, its beautiful or smile beautiful. Crap like that. Im not one for being rude, and I know he just really wants me to be happy for whatever sick reasons he has, but I dont know how to reply to these texts. All I have done is say thank you....should I ignore, which will lead to him calling me or just ask him to save his compliments for his gf????
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Wow!! Kissak I know exactly how you feel. And, Eric is sooo right about the lying thing!! I constantly struggle with his need to lie to me STILL!! I beg my XH to tell me the truth and I know he is still just lying to me! He doesn't know what the truth is and that makes me nuts at times...not as much anymore forsure, but I still get upset by it.
I keep thinking this time he is going to tell the truth, and now he has D18 lying all the time too, that makes me even more mad, the fact my kids are learning that doing this crap to people such as, lying, cheating, all of it is A-OKAY!! I tell them its not, but leading by example is much better and I do the right example and he does the wrong one...it is so frusterating.
He could careless if you like the OW or not!! I have spent way too much time trying to convince my XH what the first OW was and he found out himself, then I didn't learn a thing... and have spent too much time convincing him about second OW...they don't care what they are, what they have done, who they hurt, if they care about their own kids or not (both my XH's OW's lost or gave up custody of their own kids!!), NOTHING..the OW is someone who is just as bad or worse then they are cause anything above that would make them feel bad, the OW is someone who takes the pain away for the minute, and isn't to blame for everything wrong in their life like you are, the OW is just to fill a void...that is it!! So, don't waste precious time on her, don't make my mistake, cause no matter what you say or do, the OW has an excuse for all she is and all she has done just like your H has, they are not quality people and they are not worthy of you spending a minute thinking about them...you know all this, but it never hurts to read it again!!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I think a man who is in MLC, who used to deeply love thier wife, doesn't ever want to totally let go. They want thier harlot who makes them feel good BUT they also want thier wife at home pinning away for them. If you are not pinning away anymore then they don't have everything that is making them happy at this moment of craziness that they are in.
Find your own life where your every emotion is not dictated by his actions. (by the way, I have major issues following my own advice! :-)
I think my H realized just recently that I don't care anymore. That I could easily go to a lawyer and file for a divorce. He knows that I still love him, but that I am ready to be on my own. This shook him up because he could SEE that I meant it. There were no tears, no emotion in my voice or eyes. Just done. I wasn't at home pinning away anymore and this was a big reality check for him. Does it mean that we will get back together? Time will tell, but I know I can move on and it makes me feel confident that I am in control of myself and he is not in control of my emotions anymore.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I will respond to some of this based on what I am going through and feeling these days. Some of which I have not posted.
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Eric, Im not so sure I feel angry at myself...then again, maybe I am a little bit angry for ever believing him and letting him do this to me.
IMO, look at this a little closer….Here is what I have been feeling lately (maybe it will help).
I am totally pissed at myself and STBXW. Why? First off, for 18 months I have allowed her to cake eat, for over 18 months I laid down and allowed her to stomp on me and to some extent control MY life. Was that her fault? NOPE – it was a choice I made and I am angry at myself for making that choice. I also angry for not having enough SELF RESPECT to put some strict boundaries in place. Maybe Kissak, your angry because you took him back even though YOU probably knew he would cheat again. Maybe you are angry at yourself because YOU did not have enough confidence in yourself to stand up and kick his as* out. Maybe you are still angry because deep down inside you still love him and yet you cannot understand why. So reach down inside and try and find out why you are angry. I believe that all LBS have some anger at themselves.
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I dont like being lovey dovey with him, but I need to figure out why I feel bad if he asks for a hug and I dont give him one.
A little story…..If you go out to eat and the food and service is HORRIBLE. Are you the type to still leave a tip, even thought the service and food was horrible? IF yes, then why? I suspect because you may not like conflict, you may not feel comfortable standing up for what you believe in. If the answer is NO, you would not leave a tip. Then why do you feel bad if your H ask for a hug and YOU do not give him one? Could it be that you really need to learn how and what Kissak feels comfortable with and then react based on how YOU feel?
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His response of "OK" when I told him I knew he was messing around with the OW, well that just affirmed to me that it was true, he was a liar and wasnt ever in this marriage.
Story # 2……the police catch a bank robber down the block with a bag of money. They ask him where did he get the cash – the robber lies. The police ask him to put his arm behind his back so that they can cuff the robber. His response “ok”. So….do you think the police officer EXPECTED a YES from the robber? The moral I guess is this…..when you stop expecting the robber to stand up and say yeah I did it, you free yourself from the pain of waiting or expecting something that you may never get.
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I know I will never get an honest answer out of him.
Yes you know and YOU also still expect one from him. You may never get it.
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But I think that I just wanted him to know that I "knew". Whether he decides to tell me the truth or not, he knows what the truth is.
Honestly Kissak, deep down inside you knew that he already knew. I think you were hoping that he would change his mind, see your pain, see the pain that this is causing and come to his senses. He will NOT until and IF he ever decides to look at himself. Please stop thinking that anything you say or do will change his mind, his actions or make him all of a sudden start telling the truth. (Eric please read this for yourself)
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but honestly it probably made him feel just as good. I think he wants me to be mad at him for what I did. Just so he could feel better....does that make sense to yall like it does me?
Makes a lot of sense to me. Helps him justify his actions. Helps him say to himself….you see she has not changed. Kissak, can 3 women have a baby in 3 months? Do you think you can help speed up or fast forward his growth or his moving out of his crisis?
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I just hope it doesnt take 20 years..
Will come a time when you really don’t give a chit if it takes 20 years or 20 days.
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It took 18 years for me to see the truth
What truth? Kissak, sorry to say but I doubt the whole 18 years were horrible. I doubt that the breakdown was just his fault. IMO, do not disrespect your M that way. This comment also shows anger, which is okay just recognize it. Do not let his need to rewrite history make you do the same. Two wrongs do not make a right!
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once a cheater always a cheater
IMO, WRONG. That would also be saying that people cannot change. Kissak, have you changed? Can you change? I’m not defending him ftr, just pointing out that he may be able to change. I also want to point out that his change is HIS issue – not yours.
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I honestly think my H would have sex with me now and in his mind he would justify it to the OW as "well, we are still married".
The other question I would have is would YOU have sex with him? Stop thinking about what HE WOULD or WOULD NOT do and start thinking about what Kissak WANTS to do.
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Im happy, just not with my situation.
Then change your sitch. What is stopping you? Really Kissak ….ask yourself…what is stopping you? Is it him or is it YOU? Does he control YOU? Does he determine what YOU do in YOUR life for YOU? Legality aside, what is really stopping you? Look Kissak, take a stand for YOU. Do whatever the hel* you want to do and stop thinking about HIM.
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Now, tell me how to handle this. He will text me, and say smile, its beautiful or smile beautiful. Crap like that. Im not one for being rude,
IF he text you and asked you to buy a gift for OW would you? I suspect NOT. Then why do you feel the need to respond? Hmmmmm….must be cause a piece of you still wants to remain close to him and probably more than just as a co-parent. A text regarding the kids that is civil and to the point is one thing…a text that says “thank you” to someone that is f*cking someone else says something else. IMO, it says….(I’m sorry here)….”I do not value myself enough yet”. Kissak – fuc* his text. You do not need to respond!
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I know he just really wants me to be happy for whatever sick reasons he has,
Hmmm….wants you to be happy OR wants to keep you where he has you, which is stuck.
Sorry to be so hard on you Kissak…please just give some thought to what I wrote.
Happy New Year
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
That was awesome Eric...I hope that helps Kissak as much as it helped me! Thank you!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
