Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

Thanks, Lotus and SG.

I don't know if an intensive with Michele would work for me because I know I will need much more than a couple of days with a professional to work beyond this. I would prefer to find someone local so we have someone to discuss issues with on an ongoing basis, as I anticipate I will need help resolving questions for months to come.

I've considered Retro in the past, but I'm not sure if it's something I need right now. I suppose it couldn't hurt, but I'm somewhat turned off by the religious aspect of it (even though it isn't overly religious, I have issues with people who 'preach' because I have seen too much hypocrisy from religious leaders - no offense to anyone for their beliefs. I believe in God, but I don't believe in religion.)

I don't know if I made the right move last night. We sat down to talk when we got home. I told him that I wasn't as clear as I needed to be with my expectations, but that I would now lay it out for him in unmistakable terms. I told him that it has taken me time to find clarity, but now I am very clear with my needs, expectations, limits and non-negotiables.

When I told him I expected him to tell me when she contacted him and when he contacted her, I should have told him I expected him to establish No Contact after his conversation with her on Sunday. I understood that he would be hearing from her, which was out of his control, but that he did have control over how he responded to her.

I told him I needed him to tell her that he and I are going to work on repairing our marriage and in order for that to work, he would no longer be communicating with her.

I told him if he was undecided, then please take all the time he needed, but that he wouldn't be doing it while living at home.

I told him that these needs are non-negotiable and he probably feels I'm holding his hand to the fire but in reality, it is OW who is doing that.

He said he understood my expectations clearly now. He thought that I wanted all of us to have proper closure so that we could move forward - which, in fairness and full-disclosure, I did express in the beginning - (and he thought as long as he was transparent with me when contact was made and what was said, I was OK with continued contact), but he now understands that OW's 'closure' isn't my problem to deal with.

Did I make a mistake in not forcing him to leave last night? I don't know. I know that "Not Just Friends" says not to make any decisions for several weeks and I know that I wasn't as clear with him as I needed to be. He and I both now know what my limits are and that I'm not afraid to enforce my needs. He understands I won't be manipulated or guilted into letting him stay by the threat of his leaving being permanent. He knows I can't and don't trust him and that I will follow up with vigilance to protect myself going forward.