New to this community seeking advice 2

[MichelleLT]

I have a lot of Mormons in my national guard unit as the 300th MI BDE in SLC is our parent unit.

Joel, take it one step at a time.

Your current goal I think is to have a great time with the boys on your visit, to have kind and loving interactions with your W (even if you still cannot see eye to eye on where you will be moving to, learning to discuss and argue fairly and kindly is a necessary skill), and to figure out where you will be living.

There is a balance point between making good changes, and antagonizing your W. This move will mean a lot of changes - you will be taking the kids more often, she will have to see you more. Change rarely is easy, and she's gotten comfortable with the physical distance between you. She sees it as a solid and safe barrier.

By all means, move closer. It's best for you, it's best for the kids. Most importantly, it's best for the kids. But as much as possible, work with her. One of her biggest complaints was that you didn't listen to her opinion, so this is a good time to listen and validate. But don't back down completely. You understand why she wants the space, but it's based on the reality of 2 years ago, not now. That doesn't change her feelings though. And it doesn't change what's best for the kids. But it also doesn't mean you have to live 2 miles away from her. 30 miles isn't that far, especially compared to the drives you have been making! So if 30 miles makes her more accepting, then sign a short lease and reevaluate in a few months.

I think at this point, the most important thing is to get your foot in the door. Get closer, get more time with the kids. Show your commitment to the family and the changes you have made.

Just keep in mind one reason she's probably not excited about you being closer is that it seems like every time you come to visit there is a discussion about pick-up times. She probably dreads them (I wonder if she's getting family pressure on that, if she's being told that she should let you have more time or be more flexible and she's feeling like no one cares about her side of things?)

Working out a solid schedule, preferably in writing with times and days and who is picking up would probably alleviate some of her anxiety. Having that agreement in place and sticking to it will take care of the rest on this issue. So start the discussion, lay out what you want, ask about her schedule (is she still taking classes?) and what days are best for you to see the kids.

Then give it time.

Do get some advice so you know your rights and what is reasonable in working out the kid's schedule, but I don't think you are necessarily to a point where you need to file yourself. This move is going to shake things up a lot, and things will change. Take this opportunity to be the changes you have made, to live them where she sees more of them, and see what happens.