Tuesday night my H asked me if he could spend the day with me on Wednesday. I played hooky from work and H came over to the house and we worked out together (which is a BIG thing that he ALWAYS wanted me to do with him and I never wanted to. Exercise is a major change that I have made in my life for me and I now enjoy working out and I loved working out with him)then we got our warm clothes on and took the dogs to the bluff to go hiking. This was the first time I have ever hiked in the snow! It was breathtaking. Quite the workout too! The dogs had a ball. we were all alone on the bluff. it was so much fun. After we got done, we went back home showered and changed and took a drive. We ended up at a bar in the middle of nowhere for lunch and a couple beers. We played two games of pool. laughed the whole time. We got back to the house around 5pm, and he came inside to see the girls for a little bit, then came into the bedroom gave me a big hug and said that he would like to spend his birthday with me and the girls (Jan. 2nd). He gave me a hug and kiss and went back to his apt. to get some sleep before he would have to go back to work.
I was a perfect day.
We did talk about our R a little bit - it was good talk. He talked about how he just wants life to be about me and him and the girls. that to him, love is about respect and he realizes that I will have major trust issues and he will understand when I feel the need to check up on him. He just wants to focus on being happy. He wants to wake up in the morning and look at me and KNOW that he is loved and that he loves me.
He again said that he was going to end it with the OW - that I had to understand that he has to do it his way so that he minimizes the hurt. He really has issues with himself for how much he has hurt me and now how he is going to hurt her. He hates what he has done and who he has become. He said that he can barely look at himself in the mirror. But he knows what is right and what he has to do. He said that it would never work with the OW - he knows this now. That the two of them would never be accepted by anyone and it just was wrong for both of them.
I still get a little sick to my stomach when he talks about her and how he doesn't want to hurt her. But I keep my mouth shut. Showing my hatred of her will do no good for anyone.
I think that he does have love for her, but I beleive that he has MORE love for me. I asked myself if I could deal with that knowledge and still move forward. Yes I can, because I CHOOSE to. It is really as simple as that. Look forward and be happy, leave the past in the past.
I am still VERY aware that he hasn't broke it off yet. I will keep grounded in that reality, I promise. Because I can also still CHOOSE to move forward without him and still be happy.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
