After rereading my post from last nite - I see I was all over the place. That's ok, my mind is kinda scrambled right now anyway! Just to add a bit, and try and clarify:
While I think that she has been contemplating this for awhile, she never, ever let me know about it. Every time I would ask her how things are, she would say Don't worry about it, we're fine.
MrBond asked what I thought made the OM more attractive - I think he is an escape vehicle for her. Tells her all the right things, no pressure about what she should or shouldn't be doing. For instance - and this is just an example - it would be like her mentioning to me that she wanted a tattoo and I said You know those are permanent. What will it look like when you are 60? You are not a kid anymore. I'm sure the OM's response would be something like Yeah, that would be sooo sexy. Again, just an example, but I imagine this is what the OM offers. No reality to deal with. No bills. No money issues (at least yet!). No laundry or housework. I'm sure you know that drill. Another thing is, while she still won't admit to it, she is acting like she is loyal and protective of THAT relationship, not our M. Too many details there to fully explain here, but that is what it seems like to me.
Looking back, I think maybe one of our biggest problems would be communication. Like I said, she never let me know what she was thinking. Maybe I do something to make her feel she can't talk to me, I don't know. I am kind of opinionated and hold very strongly to what I think is right. Maybe that's a factor. I know that she knows I love her and that I think she is the one. I tell her all the time, and do my best to show her, as well. Am I effective? I don't know. She just keeps telling me that she doesn't care about being loved, SHE wants to be the one head over heels in love.
I think the catalyst for all of this is because the majority of the time since she was 18 (now44) has been being a mother and a wife, her exposure to new hobbies and friends have created what she sees as an alternative to what she has now. Their group does their thing, then they go out for a bite afterwards, or a drink. Coincidentally, our 24 yr old daughter moved into her own apt with her girlfriend about a year ago. I think my wife is a little jealous of the way she comes and goes, has hardly any housework compared to our rather large house, and lives a single lifestyle (read doing whatever she wants with no explanation to anyone).
I think now with the OM, the talks with her atty friend where she found out what she may be entitled to alimony wise plus my pension and 401, all make it seem like this will be easy and she will have plenty of money. She may have been hanging around because she thought she couldn't afford to leave - and probably still can't the way she thinks - but I think she sees the amount and thinks it's plenty, not realizing all the expenses we share now she will have to pick up on herself.
So, I need to emphasize - according to her I will be getting served my papers right after the new year. I DO NOT want a D, but realize I may have to prepare for one to protect myself. A guide that I purchased said my best strategy is to get the D finalized as fast as possible to get the best "deal". In fact, called it critical. So I am torn between trying to save my M, and ending it as fast as possible. Keep in mind the atty said she very well could qualify for LIFETIME support.
I am not moving out. She seems to not have an interest in it just yet (waiting for the money, I'm sure), and the atty said I cannot force her out.
What I need to know is what do I need to do RIGHT NOW. Before I get the papers, and even immediately right after.
Do I move into another room in the house?
Do I let her know that I am aware of the OM?
When do I tell the kids (26, 24 21)?
Do I tell them about the OM? Consensus seems to be no.
Anything else?
Thanks again, will check in again later this evening.
