New to this community seeking advice 2

[JR09]

Thanks D1ads.

Maybe that's what needs to be done. I'm glad you are strong and loving life. I guess I don't want to file. But in my case, maybe this is the only way to break the status quo for good and get something moving. Thanks for chiming in.

Joel

[JR09]

Sgctxok,

I believe the miracle would be for W to seek some counseling help so she can see that I truly have changed and she needs to get counseling to heal herself as well.

Joel

[WCW]

d1, your words of encouragement have a bad smell to me.

JR09, check out your free legal advice and see what your rights are to be in the lives of your kids. Knowledge is power. How you use the power is what builds the road ahead for you.

[JR09]

Will do. Thanks a bunch.

Joel

[d1adsl5a]

The words may have a bad smell, you may say I am antimarriage...

I am not.

After a year of spiraling in the world of "grey", I had enough. I needed to be there for my sons. If I am not healthy, I can't be there for them.

So at a certain point, you have say enough is enough. If you look at the success stories, there are roughly 3%. The point of this website is to build strength so you can make it if your marriage doesn't work.

You can stay in the fetal position for years or you can say that it is time I take back control of my life. As a father of three boys as well, they need you more than you could ever imagine...Not just being present, but being there. You need to get healthy for them. Mine would ask me why don't you smile, what is wrong, are you sad??

Now we are having the best time on the 3 days a week I have them living with me.

But at a certain point, a decision has to be made...

[sgctxok]

d1--
Your statistics are not correct, nor about the point of the website. The point of the website is for folks to learn, practice and brainstorm solution oriented techniques described in Divorce Remedy and Keeping Love alive in order to save their marriages. We have a support forum as well if it does not work out. The point is saving and strengthening relationships.

What we never support here is encouraging people to break up. We don't suggest it. If they choose to do so, we don't ridicule them either, we have a forum to help them transition.

No two relationships are exactly the same. Because you chose to move on, it doesn't mean someone else should. Children want both their parents around them, they are not happier if you divorce. They might not tell you that, because when parents are apart, they have to weigh what they say to each parent.




JR--
Have you talked about counseling with your wife? I imagine the Mormon church provides all kinds of support for marriage counseling--is that an option?

[MichelleLT]

I have a lot of Mormons in my national guard unit as the 300th MI BDE in SLC is our parent unit.

Joel, take it one step at a time.

Your current goal I think is to have a great time with the boys on your visit, to have kind and loving interactions with your W (even if you still cannot see eye to eye on where you will be moving to, learning to discuss and argue fairly and kindly is a necessary skill), and to figure out where you will be living.

There is a balance point between making good changes, and antagonizing your W. This move will mean a lot of changes - you will be taking the kids more often, she will have to see you more. Change rarely is easy, and she's gotten comfortable with the physical distance between you. She sees it as a solid and safe barrier.

By all means, move closer. It's best for you, it's best for the kids. Most importantly, it's best for the kids. But as much as possible, work with her. One of her biggest complaints was that you didn't listen to her opinion, so this is a good time to listen and validate. But don't back down completely. You understand why she wants the space, but it's based on the reality of 2 years ago, not now. That doesn't change her feelings though. And it doesn't change what's best for the kids. But it also doesn't mean you have to live 2 miles away from her. 30 miles isn't that far, especially compared to the drives you have been making! So if 30 miles makes her more accepting, then sign a short lease and reevaluate in a few months.

I think at this point, the most important thing is to get your foot in the door. Get closer, get more time with the kids. Show your commitment to the family and the changes you have made.

Just keep in mind one reason she's probably not excited about you being closer is that it seems like every time you come to visit there is a discussion about pick-up times. She probably dreads them (I wonder if she's getting family pressure on that, if she's being told that she should let you have more time or be more flexible and she's feeling like no one cares about her side of things?)

Working out a solid schedule, preferably in writing with times and days and who is picking up would probably alleviate some of her anxiety. Having that agreement in place and sticking to it will take care of the rest on this issue. So start the discussion, lay out what you want, ask about her schedule (is she still taking classes?) and what days are best for you to see the kids.

Then give it time.

Do get some advice so you know your rights and what is reasonable in working out the kid's schedule, but I don't think you are necessarily to a point where you need to file yourself. This move is going to shake things up a lot, and things will change. Take this opportunity to be the changes you have made, to live them where she sees more of them, and see what happens.

[JR09]

Michelle,

You are on target on everything. Maybe I've taken this too fast and I'm missing the point on DB skills. Instead, I've allowed my feelings to get the best of me and antagonize my W. You sure are right. I did recover today and refocused on DB principles of taking things slowly, observing, assessing, showcasing the new me.

My W and I talked again over the phone today and both of us were calmer, more serene, and definitely more kinder to one another. I did well, and so did she. At one point in the conversation, she talked quite abruptly, so I told her I won't talk to her if she maintained that harsh attitude. So she stopped and understood my point.

Anyway, I'm still having a great time with the boys.

Thanks for the good focus.

Joel

[JR09]

Sgctxok,

I touched on the counseling issues a long time again with my W. She told me I was the one who definitely needed it. And she was right. However I think, things have changed, I have healed, and now my W displays signs of needing counseling to get her back to thinking rationally. I don't know. Maybe I'm off the track on that one...

Joel

[MichelleLT]

Glad you guys talked again. That's definitely progress. Also good for you on setting a boundary about having respectful communication. Sounds like you found your balance again.

Glad you are having fun with the boys! Definitely focus on that.

As for moving too fast, just stay focused on the little things. You will see progress if you set small goals. Don't get too impatient. I know this has been dragging on and you really want things to change, but you have actually come a long way and things have been moving in a positive direction. No matter what happens with you and your W, you need to have a good co-parenting R.

As for C, she may benefit from it. She may also just need some time. She may also just need to get through these immediate changes without seeing the you she fears.

But what do you gain by bringing it up? Will she listen, or get defensive? If she'll listen, when and how would be the best way to bring it up? If not, a more subtle approach, maybe mentioning how much C has helped you, might prod her in that direction. And of course, if you get to a point where you are talking about reconciling, then you can make MC a condition. Just my 2 cents, you know her better than me obviously, so you know best how she'd react.