XH is off his pedestal and I'm moving forward

[goodattitudegirl]

Just returned from TT..........and drinks .......with XH, so it's time to debrief.....Sorry this is so long. This is journaling so that I can look back in the future......

but first I would like to say to Missher, I'm sorry that STBXW is behaving so irrationally and seems to be oblivious to the impact of her actions on your children. You have been a very stabilizing influence on their lives. They are very fortunate that you have been there for them.

........now, the TT update:

XH arrived 20 minutes late (he had texted me that he would be late). He did not seem like his "old self", the XH I have been seeing of late. He seemed preoccupied and kind of down. I tried to gently flirt and laugh and be funny, but XH wasn't very responsive. We ended up talking while we were playing TT.

I asked XH if it would be OK if I e-mailed his Florida BMF (Florida BMF, BMF, and XH go back 30 years) to tell him I am sorry to hear he is on dialysis and awaiting a kidney. XH thought for a moment and said "Sure. I'll send you his email address."

Then XH told me about his Christmas Eve. It sounded REALLY awful!!!!!!!!! Normally, XH and I went to BMF's XW's house to celebrate Christmas Eve with BMF, his XW, and their 3 sons. Not this year.........BMF is warring with his XW (remember that BMF wouldn't talk to XH for 3.5 months this summer after XH told BMF he was acting like a child because BMF was jealous of XH's friendship with BMF's XW ---- Phew!!!!!!!). BMF refused to go to his XW's house and decided he was going to host a Christmas Eve dinner at his townhouse for XH and his children. After dinner, XH and BMF's children would go to XW's house, but BMF would not go with them. BMF is very messy, so to support his best friend (BMF), XH went to BMF's house the day before the party and spent 6 hours helping to clean his place.......Here's the money shot........XH said to me "BMF is a hoarder, like my mother." (Duh!!!!!! You JUST figured this out????? Do you think that a little transference has been going on here for about 30 years?????????? ---- sorry, had to get that out.) We talked a little bit about this and then I said to XH (OK Missher, warm up your 2 x 4.........I couldn't help myself) "You are so good to BMF. I have wondered in the past what has BMF ever really done for you other than loan you his truck from time to time? Has he really returned your generosity?" Without missing a beat XH said "I was thinking that same thing last summer"............so it appears that XH's friendship with BMF is a bit rocky again. I have always felt that as long as BMF is XH's primary source of intimacy that XH will not be motivated to really examine himself and will not be capable of having a healthy, intimate R with any woman...so this development is very interesting indeed!!!!!!!!!! ............The whole evening turned out to be a total disaster, basically because of BMF's childishness. XH had a crummy Christmas Eve and is once again caught in between two close friends: BMF and BMF's XW.

As we were walking out to our cars, XH turned to me and asked if I would like to go out for drinks with him. (I never saw THAT coming. ) I said "Sure".......On the drive over to the restaurant I kept thinking about various reasons he might have asked me........I thought maybe he was going to tell me he couldn't see me anymore, he was uncomfortable with me kissing him and wanted no physical contact, he had found my DB blogs.....but as it turned out, he just wanted to talk to a friendly person.

It was hard finding a parking spot and XH passed up a prime spot and motioned for me to park there. Then when we entered the restaurant XH held the door open for me. After we got to our table, I tried to mirror XH's mannerisms (a flirting technique) and was super friendly with our waiter (nice looking man --- he reciprocated).

XH asked me about the health of my 100 year old patio tree. Told him I was trying to figure out what to do about it. XH offered to phone his insurance agent (good friend) and ask the name of an honest arborist. Then he phoned the agent and said "I'm here with GAG and we have a question.........blah, blah, blah".....So interesting! XH is letting me reconnect with some of his friends.....Then I asked him about the ice dams on his roof and his leaking ceilings in 3 rooms. He seemed pretty stressed about that....had spent a couple days chopping thick ice out of his eaves with an axe. He can't claim it on his homeowner's insurance until the end of winter because if he has a reoccurence, it won't be covered. ......Then he told me that last week, when he dropped off the gifts from his sister at my house, he had shoveled my back walk. (I hadn't noticed because I wasn't home and my snow removal service had come right after he was there.) I thanked him for shoveling.

We were at the restaurant for an hour or so. When we walked out to our cars, we chatted for a couple minutes. XH said he would e-mail my sister to wish her happy birthday on January 1st (it's been awhile since he's contacted her ---- not since he told me he was dating GF#2). I leaned in to kiss XH on the cheek and whispered in his ear "Happy New Year. It's going to be a great year!". We hugged lightly (XH looked depressed), we got in our cars, and drove away.

.....so I am off work for 4 days (YIPPEE!!!!!!!!), have some pampering planned, and will follow up with a thank you to XH tomorrow for tonight's drinks and follow up with him about a few other things we discussed.

To summarize:
I think the main reasons XH was down were: (1) his leaky roof needing repairs and (2) the conflict between his BMF and BMF's XW (XH is stuck in the middle and their conflict forces XH to see how immature and jealous BMF has been).

XH has done a number of thoughtful things for me over the past week (shoveled my sidewalk, asked about my tree and asked his friend for the name of an expert I can call, invited me for drinks, found me a nice parking spot, opened the door at the restaurant, and paid for drinks). This is a BIG change for him since the bomb. XH's LLs are AOS and QT, so this is seeming to indicate that he has some kind of feelings for me I think.........Also, it seems that we are both reconnecting a bit with each others' social networks.

I have gotten the sense that GF#2 is either out of the picture or that things are not well with her.........just a gut sense that I have.

........kinda wondering if I should ask XH to a movie. He seemed pretty depressed and that's what I would do for a friend who is down.

GAG

[Mila]

GAG - WOW...another great evening with XH....as far as I can see there is continues slow but steady progress...it may be one step forwards 1/2 step back...but don't let that discourage you....XH was down due to other things happening in his life....had nothing to do with you....the opposite, he couldn't get enough of your company....hence the drinks (that's huge)....you are his safe harbor...no conflict, just comfort. Stay on this path...slow and steady

I also like that he shows concern for you, starting to do things for you, shows consideration, slowly allowing you into his life and social circle...

kinda wondering if I should ask XH to a movie

the advice we usually get here is to let them come to us....follow their lead....but I think that in your situation I would probably ask...."I'm going to see (insert film he would be interested in) and I thought of you, seems like a movie you would like, would you like to join me?....I think that would be OK considering your recent interactions...just my opinion

Can't wait for your next posting

[seeking answers]

kinda wondering if I should ask XH to a movie.

GAG,
JMO but I say go for it! XH is a man that you may be interested in dating. Yes, you have history with him. That may give you an edge in knowing how to read some things. That said, it's like you're starting over with him. Didn't you say that you were the initiator when you first started dating? You know the drill, and besides the worst he could say is no. If that happens, don't take it personally and just keep your expectations low.

You're handling this wonderfully! XH seems to definitely be responding. Good Luck!

[punkin]

GAG,

Sounds to me like you are on a roll. And you are doing great, but keep those expectations at zero. I'm a cynical person, and don't always give people the benefit of the doubt, or wonder what their real agenda is, but this honestly sounds very sincere.

Praying for you, girl.

[MHL]

.) We talked a little bit about this and then I said to XH (OK Missher, warm up your 2 x 4.........I couldn't help myself) "You are so good to BMF. I have wondered in the past what has BMF ever really done for you other than loan you his truck from time to time? Has he really returned your generosity?"

Believe it or not there are no 2x4's from me on this.....

You did not bring up BMF......you were actively listening.

You did not give your opinion of BMF......well maybe you did a little.....for that you will get a little finger flick on the forehead from me. hahahahaha.

he couldn't get enough of your company....hence the drinks (that's huge)....you are his safe harbor...no conflict, just comfort. Stay on this path...slow and steady

Mila hit the nail on the head here!!! He is confiding in you and you have created a safe zone for him to share his feelings....you are establishing yourself as his "best friend"....Congrats!!!!

However, this is good up until a point......right???

You do not want to get stuck in the "friend" zone....not even the best friend zone. Ever see "My best friend's wedding" with Julia Roberts???? Do you want to be Julia Robert's here????

Oh and while we are on the topic of movies.......GAG and ladies....the idea of a movie.....well it S U C K S..(there I swung something and I hit everyone).

You want the sparks to fly, you want the magic to happen, you want romance, you want advanced TT lessons .

Let me ask you this....when is the last time you went to a movie with a man and you could not wait until the movie was over to go home and make mad passionate love to him.......

ahhhhh.....like never.....

Look you go to a movie sit down, un-plug your mind, and get entertained by the movie for 2 hours.....there is no interaction, no knowing glances, no flirting.....yeah, yeah I know you can "do things" in the movie theatre.....but you are not there yet, that will come later.

Movies are "friend" things to do, you want to go to the movies and snuggle up next to him while you 2 enjoy the movie, that will come in time.

You are looking for a non-pursuing way to ask him to spend time with you.....right??? Can't be done, unless you are going to do it as a friend......I'll ask again.....DO YOU WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND?????

NO you don't......

YOU WANT TO BE HIS LOVER.......right????

You need to do things with Mr. GAG where you guys interact and talk and touch and look and smell and all those things that create that magic moment when the fireworks go off!!!

Don't get me wrong here....you are definitely on the right track and you want to spend more time with him but make sure it is the right kind of time for what it is you want.

Let me give you an example, and a little peek into my world .

I have been on a lot of dates in the last couple of months and lately I have seen one lady now about 3 or 4 times and I really like her and I want to see her more but it is a little difficult because she is about 1 hour away. Well she was coming close to where I live 2 nights ago and I was available but she was going to meet "friends" and catch up with her friends....I could have gone and mind you, I REALLY wanted to see her but I did not because that was not the type of interaction I wanted with her, which was a "friend" interaction.

I want a romantic interaction with her.....the friend thing will come later after I establish the romantic interaction with her. She has a lot of guy "friends" that she has dated and is now "friends" with......they fell into the trap of spending anytime they could with her even if it was "friend" time. I do not want to be her friend......yet.

It could be summed up like this.......

I will be your friend in a ROMANTIC relationship....BUT....I am not going to SETTLE for a friendship in lieu of ROMANTIC relationship, that is not what I want.

We are so damn scared to tell other human beings in this world (especially the ones closest to us) that WE have wants and needs and that they can fulfill those wants and needs. We operate out of fear of rejection, embarrassment....fear of looking weak or inferior.

We are trained as children to not cry, suck it up, act like a grown up......basically we are taught to push down our feelings so far that we get all effed up inside and have no hope of communicating honestly with other people in this world.....

because we are AFRAID.

The time will come soon GAG where you are going to step out and let Mr. GAG know, "Hey, I want to be more than friends with you".....

Personally I think.......

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.......

Last night the timing was not right.....good move!!!!!

How about next time you guys go for drinks at your house??????

BTW.....HAPPY LITTLE FRIDAY !!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheers

[courageous wife]

GAG

I, too thought it might be a good idea to ask xH to a movie until I read MHL's post! How nice to have a man's perspective on this!

[Mila]

Happy New Year GAG .... hope all of your dreams come through and that 2011 will start with lots of "flirting" moments with your XH

I see MHL's point about the movies...but somebody explain to me why is it then that guys often want to take you to a movie for a date???? LOL

[AntoniaB]

I'm following this story with lots of interest and feeling a sense of hope for how far you've come and the goodness that you deserve. You sound terrific and I hope things keep progressing for you, slowly but surely, with a lot of healing under your belt. Hugs to you and happy new year!

[seeking answers]

Happy New Year GAG!

[dolphin_05]

It's sounding incredibly positive atm, GAG. You have the ability to use great insight and forethought to ensure your actions are appropriately initiated with patience but also a deal of energy and enthusiasm. I'm enjoying the reading!