Deju vu, but new to the online forum...round 2

[mj144]

No, she told me how she was tired of my emotional roller coaster and how I would lash out at the kids and how she felt like I was her 3rd child and how she'd be a fool to try again and that she doesn't love me anymore. All music to my ears!

I just validated what she said. I kind of knew how she felt, but having her open up again was good even though she was saying all those hurtful things, which in and of itself weren't that hurtful since I knew them already.

The one positive thing she said is that she misses and will miss doing things as a family.

All that being said, she is still willing to put a halt to her progressing with things, understands that I have no expectations and we'll have to take it from there. She wasn't distant and she was engaged in the conversation, too which was a difference.

[mj144]

Well, my moving out is at the point where I am going to make a committment to this gal to rent her spare room this evening.

I would like feedback from the vets as to whether I am doing the right thing and some words of wisdom/encouragement/confidence/advice since this is a HUGE step for me.

Sandi/Coach/Edmund/Mr. Bond/Forrest?????????????

[mj144]

Any advice on how to have 'the talk' with a 5 and 7 yr old that their daddy is moving out? I want to make it clear to them that I want to try and save the marriage and keep the family together, but how can I do that without majorly pissing my W off and spoiling any positive ground that I have attained by agreeing to move out? Should I let her take the lead and see how she approaches it?

[MrBond]

Maybe I missed something but why are you moving out?

[mj144]

I guess you are not up to date on my thread?

[MrBond]

I read it, but I don't recall seeing a specific reason for you leaving other than the fact that you feel that by doing so you think it will help to alleviate tension. Is that right or did I miss something?

[mj144]

I felt it is my best chance to detach and GAL. W was ready to start process of D and I took a calculated risk that if I move out, I can rediscover myself and have a better chance of DBing.

I gather you don't agree with my strategy?

[MrBond]

Personally I don't see you moving out as having any benefit other than making your life more miserable. I mean, did you want to leave? Sounds like you didn't.

In my sitch, my W asked me to leave. I literally laughed at her and asked her why when SHE was the one who was "miserable", SHE was the one who was having an A and SHE was the one who felt uncomfortable.

That was the first time I put my foot down and told her that if SHE had a problem with her life then she had to deal with it and not cause everyone else problems. She left and I'm glad I stayed.

I feel that sometimes the WAS has to hit rock bottom to see what they're missing in their S. But if you cave in to everything they want without taking a stand, then sometimes they'll take advantage of it.

In your sitch, your leaving doesn't seem to serve any purpose. Or at the very least, your exit of telling her that you're leaving in the "hope" that she will change her mind is a bit weak. If you had real personality issues, then change them. But what is it that YOU want? You have to start thinking about your needs for a bit and not have your life controlled by what your W wants.

[mj144]

I don't want tio leave, but I don't want my wife starting the D either. There is no A going on, I can't be any more miserable than I already am. This is my effort at dropping the rope since my W was not reacting positively to me being around. Can't it be that this will actually work in my benefit?

[MrBond]

The decision to leave is yours. But IMO if I had left my home I would be miserable. If you don't think you couldn't be any more miserable than you are now, you're wrong. Try not seeing your kids when you want to.

If your W isn't reacting positively to you being around, that is still HER problem not yours. Unless you have been abusive to her or have been bugging the crap out of her, then it is her problem. Have you been keeping interactions with her to a minimum? What does she actually have to lose with you leaving? Doesn't sound like anything. Whereas you are going to have to pay for a new place, pay for new stuff and see your kids when she feels like it. Doesn't sound like a win situation for you at all.

My W was acting the same way. But when she left, I told her that I would like her to stay, however if she wants to leave, that is her decision. I stood firm for what I believed. My home and my family. She was welcome to join it or leave it. She chose to leave and has been miserable.