I failled horribly...

[Denver_2010]

That sounds great FOBDs! The more support that we can get from each other and others who are facing similar situations, the stronger we will be.

My situation is this. I am 38 my W is 32. We've been together for 8 years but only married for 18 months. We have had a rocky relationship for awhile. She has an 11 year old son who has some behavioral issues which causes her personal stress and also stress bw the 2 of us. I have an 8 year old daughter who does not live with us. She visits 2 or 3 times per year. When she is here there is an added element of stress. It is really difficult to mix families like this.

Anyway, our R began to go seriously downhill about 1 year ago. We went into a lot of debt in the past 3 years bc we did a lot all at once, ie., built a house, furnished the house, got engaged, got married w very nice wedding. Of course when we made these decisions, the economy was doing fine. I have my own business and was doing very well. Well, as everyone knows, the economy tanked. With it, my business began to suffer as well. Financial stress due to my business and due to our personal debt began to wear me down. I shielded my W from all of this bc I didn't want to burden her with it. But it caused me to become depressed and irritable. I slowly began to worry more about budgets and finances than making sure that we were happy as a couple. This began to lead to arguments that would last for weeks. The subjects of the arguments were never that big and were never about things that couldn't have been worked out. But I began to feel unappreciated bc felt W was arguing about little things and causing me more stress while here I was shouldering the burden of our financial survival. I began to resent W.

We had one argument after xmas 09 that caused us not to speak and for me to sleep on couch for 1 month. I considered leaving myself at that point. We reconciled in Feb and things got a little better for the next 6 months or so. But we still were continuing to have arguments that would never get resolved. Next big argument occurred in late July. Again, I considered leaving. We went almost 2 months with very little communication.

At the end of Sept or early Oct, wife informed me that she had decided to leave. I had already been thinking of asking her to go to therapy with me. Therapy was something that she had requested back in Feb which I refused at that time. So I told W that I didn't want her to leave, that I was willing to try MC, and that I wanted to make sure that we tried everything before ending M. She agreed.

We went to 4 sessions of MC over the next 4 weeks. Each time W seemed disinterested and notified C and me that she didn't know whether or not she wanted to continue working on M. At the end of the last session, she informed me and C that she was done, that she didn't want to do this anymore, and that she was going to leave our home.

At this point I did the typical begging, pleading and crying bc I knew deep down that she was very serious and I felt her detachment from me and our M. Over the next 10 days or so, we didn't talk much about it. Every time that we did I would try to convince her to change her mind. She said that she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted and that if our M was going to ever work out, it would not be with her in our house. During this time I tried really hard to do all of the things that have always bothered, such as spending time with her and SS and just generally being more involved. Like you, I had been, at best, an absent husband.

She only drifted farther ways emotionally. I began to suspect OM and confronted her. She denied. I checked phone records and found that she had been texting and talking to OM LOTS for a few weeks. I called him and confronted him. He denied that A was going on and insisted that they are just friends. I confronted W and she told me the same thing. I went to her family and exposed what I considered, and continue to consider, EA. Her family was very angry with her. They already thought that she was making a mistake in leaving, and with knowledge of OM they thought even worse. This was all about 5 or 6 weeks ago. W was very, very angry with me for exposing her relationship with OM. She continued to tell me that they are just friends. To this day I'm not sure the exact nature of her R with OM. I'm not stupid, but I also know that PA would be completely out of character for my W. Either way, it is an EA at minimum.

W came home the night that I exposed and we had it out over OM. She told me to leave her alone. I asked her what she was going to do if I didn't. She said 'leave'. I said "go ahead, your moving next week anyway". She packed a bag for she and her son and left. I went out of town for Thanksgiving (which was miserable) and she moved all of her stuff out while I was gone. This was not a surprise as she had previously told me the date that she was doing this.

I came home the Sunday after Thanksgiving to a fairly empty house. VERY depressing. That night, she called my cell phone. I ignored her call, but she called again. We spoke for 45 minutes. She again denied A with OM. I left subject alone but told her that i felt terrible that she had to go to someone else for the things that I had failed to give her. She asked if I had filed for D. I told her that I hadn't and didn't plan to. She told me that she wanted to file bc she was afraid that I would 'screw her over' if she didn't file soon. I am an attorney and she is very afraid of this and fact that I know lots of D attorneys. I told her that I had no plans to screw her over and that I would never intentionally try to hurt her. She said it would be purely a "business decision" on her part if she did file, that we could always get remarried, and that maybe we could just file for legal separation. I asked her to just leave it be and give it time. So far, she has not filed.

We spoke very little over the next month or so. She did initiate contact a week after our tc conversation. I was out with friends. She called when I told her this. She got angry and said "well, I'm glad that you are already enjoying the single life!" I did not engage in argument with her. Just told her that I had to go cause people were waiting for me. She texted and apologized a few minutes later.

My birthday was the next week. I got an email from her but that was it. we engaged in a brief text conversation. I tried to keep it light and away from R talk. She was very negative and fairly cold.

Another thing that I left out above is that after me accusing her of EA and exposing, W somehow got into my email and found really bad email from an exgf of mine. The emails were very suggestive. But, they were from 5 years ago (2 yrs into our R and 3 yrs prior to our M). She accused me of cheating on her and told me that she could never trust me again. I did not cheat on her at the time of the emails or ever. She would not believe me and, to this day, uses these emails to say that she will never be able to trust me again.

Bw my birthday and a few days before xmas, we only had a few very limited text conversations. No R talk, mostly about bills or stuff that she had left at our house.

I have been applying DB since the beginning of Dec. Mostly apply LRT. I think that I am at the point that W's stupid EA has to burn out before I can expect anything positive to happen. I am just trying to buy time for that to happen, have patience, and not drive myself crazy with worry over what is happening with OM. In meantime, I am keeping contact with SS, who I love and miss, and who wants to come home.

I have been fairly good at not initiating contact. I messed up a couple of weeks ago after I got emotional during a church service. I called and left her a message saying that I was sorry that I would never consider her requests that I go to church with her and SS during our marriage. That she was right. I did not hear back from her.

The present situation is this, she initiated contact on Dec. 22nd and has continued to do so for 6 of the past 8 days. I need to write about these contacts bc I need some perspective on what it may mean, if anything. I'm trying not to get hopes up that she is beginning to miss me, but it is hard not to. I will write about the specifics of these conversations on my thread.

Keep up hope FOBDs. This is the most difficult thing that I have ever gone through and I'm sure that it is for you as well. For me, I vowed to love my W in good times and in bad and for better and for worse. I believe that I am dealing with the bad and the worse right now. I love my W and SS very much and continue to want our M to survive and then thrive. I am still hopeful.