Need advice and support to keep hope

[Denver_2010]

I finally had a conversation with my wife last night. Here is what was said. Interested in any thoughts or comments because I really don't know what to think. My W has lost her mind...

So she texts me to see if anyone would be at our house tomorrow so that she could pick up wrapping paper that she didn't take with her when she moved all of her stuff out. First, why would she text me for this when she can easily go to walmart and buy wrapping paper for $2?

Anyway, I told her that I would be home most of day and that my mom, who is visiting me, would be here too. I told her that I was going to drop some presents for my step son off at W's mom's house tomorrow and that I would just take the wrapping paper with me to drop off. Apparently that was not good enough for W bc she texts me that our house is still part her's and that she should be able to come by. I don't understand this attitude either?? I was being very cordial and giving her what she wanted! Anyway, I responded that the house is still "our's" but that it is my home, that she had chosen to move out. Anyhow, she reiterates that she would like to come by when no one is here, that she would appreciate the space to do so, and that "this isn't easy for me either". Again, I told her that I wasn't going to ask my mom to leave the house when I can easily take her stuff to her mom's. Again very cordial.

She responds by calling me a "selfish pr*ck" and that everything has to be my way. Also uses the "F u". Very angry. I respond by asking her why she is being rude, that I didn't text her, am not bothering her, and am giving her what she wants... her space. She responds by saying "fine" that she probably has wrapping paper anyway, tells me not to act "smug", that my "life change" hasn't made me perfect, and finally to have a Merry xmas.

I ask her how I am being smug and tell her that my changes are for me, not her, or anyone else. I tell her that I am sorry that she is so angry and that I am trying not to bother her. I send her another text telling her that my xmas won't be as merry as usual bc I miss step son, miss putting his santa presents out the night before, and miss seeing him wake up on xmas morning. She responds by stating "You hated all of that sh*t". I respond "are you serious, I most definately do not!, I was the one who insisted that we do santa for step son 7 yrs ago. That is my favorite part of xmas" I also tell her that I am dropping off 3 presents from 'santa' to step son at her mom's house tomorrow.

Her response is "change is good, but not facing the fact that i'm how i am towards you as a result of the last 7 yrs is naive." then she texts me that she has to get some rest bc she has a long recording session tomorrow (she is a singer with a few bands).

I respond by asking her if I CAN ask her about the recording session? She responds with brief text telling me what band it is, that we can talk later, that she doesn't feel like it now. I tell her that I would like to hear about it whenever she feels comfortable talking to me. She responds that she's "not ready to by [my] friend but I wish you well" (doesn't sound too good). I respond "well, I wish you well too."

At this time, I was having another text conversation with a friend. The friend tells me that she has seen Em's pic on FB and that she is beautiful. I responded to this by agreeing "yeah, she is beautiful" but accidentally sent it to W. W responds to it wanting to know who else I am texting, if if my g/f. I apologize telling W that I accidentally sent text to her. She replies, "I hope that she's worth it. I plan to file for divorce soon just so you know goodnight." THIS from a woman who is actively in EA but denying it!!!! So p**ssed off at this point, but I suppressed it.

I responded with the following: "Again, I am being civil.Why r u being rude. Even assuming that I am texting another woman, what boundary in our M am I crossing? If we have boundaries right now, I'd like to know. And regardless, I'm conducting myself like a married man, which I still am."

She responds: "We are finished. Just don't feed me your bs abaout making us work when u r obviously getting involved wiht other women. I'm not an idiot."

I respond: "Don't make assumptions W.I am keeping myself busy and spending time with friends. But I am conducting myself as a married man."

She responds: "well, you can file for D with me to save time. I'm free tomorrow, Friday, and m-Th next week... you are deceitful and I cannot trust you. We will never work again. That is reality. Your text doesn't sound like you are conducting yourself as married man. I don't care. Do what you want, just stop playing your game with me. I'm moving on with my life."

My response: "I've told you before that I still love u and still think that we an have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I have not changed my mind on that. But I understand that you are not happy, that u don't feel happy or complete inside. U need to do what will make u happy. By my side, we can be partners and will share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team. but I won't stand in your way, but also won't help u leave this marriage or our family. I hope that u do find happiness u r looking for. go do what u need to do. You know where I will be."

She did not reply.

[zengypsy]

My H filed for divorce and I still am holding out hope. People think I'm nuts but you have to go with what you feel is right for your situation. You can move on without giving up. I hope I am as lucky as Jack is.

i hate to say this but .. honey, hope is not a plan.

i don't know where your thread is and i don't know what you've done. but it is not the DB principle to hope. it's to take action.

Sometimes sadly, people have to go through the finality of divorce to have that true physical space to gain better clarity as to what they had.

is that what you are hoping for? that divorce is going to make him wake up to the reality of not having you around?

you can physically separate and use that time to make changes - do your 180s and GAL. it doesn't mean that a divorce has to happen before you do these things. you do them now.

i do wish you to be as lucky as J3B but i'm sure J3B did more than just hope. he took action.

Dumped - I honestly don't know where my thread is either. I've tried to post it twice and for some reason it just isn't anywhere. So, my full story isn't out there. Maybe I shouldn't post until the thread is posted because my responses will seem piece meal.

Having said that, I know DB is about taking action. I have made major changes since all ths has happend with the help of my phenom therapist. My actions now support my words. Accepting accoutability for your role in the breakdown of the M is very liberating and doing the work (GAL etc.) is even more liberating. My therapist has a very similar methodlogy like MWD. I have to review the 180 process again. My DB book is my "bible". It's pretty worn out from the amount of re-reads and dogearred pages. My H and and I have no contact; we have both gone dark.

Believe me, I don't want this D and my H is very clear in knowing that I don't want it. I've told him that I love him that much to let him go but I plan to keep the door open. His reponse was TY. He's adament about the D ging thru. I live in a no fault state, so when you are the defendant, you don't have a leg to stand on-even if there was an affair involved. I wish my state had stricter divorce laws. I have read over 20 books on fighting/saving your marriage. I am doing all I can and will continue to fight even after the fact. Moving on doesn't mean giving up and I am going to be the greener grass.

[StillLearning]

denver, I'm with you on this one b/c my W is moving out, having an A, and the ONLY communication we have is sporadic text messaging. I like the descriptions of how to lovingly detach, especially that it is the LBS's "I love you but I'm not in love with you." I'm going to work on that and hope you can too.

[Denver_2010]

ALMW - Man, it is tough. Actually saw my W face to face last night when I went to her mom's to drop off presents for step son. I was planning on waiting until she left, but she told her mom to tell me to go ahead and come over. I think that I drove 100 mph to their house bc I was so excited to see W and step son. It was actually a really decent meeting. I spent about 45 minutes there visiting with W and everyone. She was nice. We did have a 1 on 1 conversation which was nice. I was actually wearing some stylish new clothes at the time (following DR about always looking nice - good thing!). She asked me if I had some girl dressing me now!! At least she showed some emotion!

The downside of the meeting is that it set me back about 5 steps with detaching. I am so sad today and miss her all over again!

[Denver_2010]

Spoke to my wife on xmas eve and had a text conversation with her on Christmas. 4 straight days with contact. She seems sad. I KNOW that I am. This has been the worst Christmas ever.

[sandi2]

How are you doing today?

[Denver_2010]

How are you doing today?

I'm doing better since Christmas is over. It is all very up and down. I can go from being torn apart sad to being strong, and vice versa, within minutes.

I have contact with W, all initiated by her, 6 out of the last 8 days. I want to write about the contacts so that I can get some input on what it all means, but I don't have time right now. I will try tomorrow.

Thanks for asking Sandi!

[mj144]

I know it's against board policy, but it is kind of a shame that since we are both in Denver that we can't connect.

[Denver_2010]

I know it's against board policy, but it is kind of a shame that since we are both in Denver that we can't connect.

Definitely. We need to figure out a way.

[sandi2]

It is easy to read too much into contacts by the WAS. However, if she is pursuing....that is very good. Whatever you are doing that causes her to want to contact, then you need to continue.