New Here - Wife Leaving

[Denver_2010]

Hi 27. Sorry to hear that you are here. I don't think that anyone really wants to be except for the vets who are here graciously giving their time to help others.

Anyway, I've only been doing this for 6 weeks or so, but I have totally dived into this stuff and have really been trying to live by it. So take my advice and thoughts with all of that in mind.

First, I would suggest that you get a second and maybe even a third consult with different attorneys. I am an attorney and will tell you that there are good ones and bad ones. You want to make sure that you get a very good one who actually cares about your situation. Not saying that the one you spoke to is bad, I'm just saying that I would always suggest meeting with at least 3 before making any decisions.

Second, I hate to confirm what I think that you already know, but your wife is in an EA, at least. NOTE TO DENVER_2010 from Virginia - THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS THINKING. YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING OR CONFIRMING ANY SUCH THING. YOUR COMMENT IS NOT HELPFUL AND COULD CAUSE MAJOR PROBLEMS. I speak from experience on this as well. My wife made the decision to leave me 6 weeks ago and I also found cell phone records that confirmed that she had been texting and talking on the phone to OM. I knew something was up bc her personality changed literally overnight. We had been having problems, but she became very determined that we were done and that we were never right for one another on the turn of a dime. I confronted her and she denied that it was an affair. Says that they are just friends. She continues with this line to this day. I also outed her to her family. They were very upset with her. I agree that exposing an affair can definately put some pressure on W and the A itself. Your only chance to save M, IMO, is for the A to burn out. I hear that they normally do and have read that A's generally last no longer than 6 months. But your W isn't going to be open to working on M as long as OM is in the picture.

Your children are grown and are certainly capable of hearing that their mom is involved with another man. Others might disagree, but I would expose A to your children. NOTE TO DENVER_2010 from Virginia. AGAIN, THIS TYPE OF ADVICE IS NOT HELPFUL AND COULD CAUSE MAJOR PROBLEMS.

You will read the following time and time again on this board. But if you want to save M, you have to do the following:

1. Buy time - for A to end and for W to come out of fog that she is in and realize what a huge mistake that she is making. Do NOT help her file for divorce in anyway. You want to put off the filing as long as possible. But you may not have any control over this. Attorney can probably help you delay process somewhat.

2. Have Patience - Again, A has to end before you are going to get anywhere. All you can do is 'detach' from the situation as much as possible (and yes, I know just how difficult this is!) and work on yourself.

3. Get A Life - Start focusing on you and the things that make you happy. I tell people that I am using my separation from W to 'repair' myself. I did contribute to my M problems and I am trying to make sure that I fix those issue so that I don't repeat them in the future, whether or not with my W. I suggest that you do the same.

Lastly, and again, other may disagree with this opinion. But physical separation may be necessary for anything to move forward in your M. Others suggest avoiding that as long is possible is the best way, but I can tell you that my W and I were separated but living in same home for months prior to her leaving and nothing got better. It only got worse. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say. I think that your W needs to have an opportunity to miss you and the positives that you bring to her life. Besides, can you really stand it that she has OM and is living in same home as you? I know that I couldn't. I would tell her to leave ASAP and help her pack. I'm not suggesting that you become cold or mean to W. "Lovingly detach" from whatever it is she is going through in her life right now.

This will probably drive her closer to OM. I know that my W leaving has done that. I've read on here, that this can actually be a good thing bc it puts their R more in the realm of reality and takes it out of your W's fantasy realm. I can definitely see where it may speed up the end of an A. Of course there is always the possibility that it does the opposite. Just a risk we have to take I guess.

Good luck. Keep posting.