What I KNOW after being HERE for 3 years.......

[handlingplanb]

I purposely avoided any discussion about the holidays with H this year. The past few (separated) years I contacted him, discussed presents and arrangements to continue to celebrate as a family. I prepared myself this year, given the fact that Christmas landed on "his" weekend, to spend Christmas day without my kids. However, he chose to let them be with me for the weekend. He didn't come over Christmas Eve as has been our tradition to celebrate with family gifts and big holiday meal, but asked that we do it on Christmas Day. D17 was disappointed to stray from tradition, but I did my best to make Christmas Eve special and Santa was able to come to OUR home as has been tradition (despite the fact that I am the only one that still believes.....).

H did come over Saturday with his mother and we celebrated in the way that has been our Christmas Eve tradition, on Christmas Day. This was the first time since he moved out that he actually sat in a chair (that wasn't in the dining room). Even with prolonged visits in the past he chose to stand, or kneel on the floor - has been kind of comical, and funny/odd to watch.

Since I didn't bring it up, some of the gifts that he brought for the kids duplicated what Santa gave. It bothered D13, but was easily dismissed since there are 2 homes to split the gifts in. Still hard, and is striking that we can't communicate about the simplest of things these days. Since I have stopped trying, it doesn't happen.

I don't think he's made much progress in whatever he needs to make progress in to accept where we are - despite what he "says" in writing. His behavior and actions are still bizarre, and still make me believe that he is in a state of confusion - MLC, I don't know - just messed up! It has been months since any communication about D has transpired. He has not contacted my L to suggest a settlement. Despite this, I do not think he has "changed his resolve" in that he wants and NEEDS a D.

My MIL has given me the Precious Moments Christmas ornament since we were married in 1987. I have quite a collection. This year's ornament says "Hope." I don't know that I have much hope left in me, but it nags at me occasionally - and seeing the ornament with that one word made me wonder if it was a sign.....at least briefly. Despite this, I think I am finally letting go. It has been a very very long journey, but I'm getting there. New traditions, new ways to celebrate and living for me (and my kids) is helping.

I have the awkward NYE celebration coming up - being the only single parent in a group of families, but I am hoping to be able to go through with it and not back out.......I'm not very social as it is, and with 4 other families there, it may be too much for me.....we'll see.

I hope that 2011 brings a new level acceptance for me - and a new level of acceptance with ME!

Happy Holidays!!!