H's MLC - finding compassion and forgiveness

[Walking]

Hi Mila

I've been reading along for a few weeks now and it's clear that your H is a big fat cake eater. He’s making me cross. When I read your post this morning I said (outloud) “asshat” (my colleagues were intrigued!!) He wants you both. His OW for his new MLC life and you for keeping everything like "it used to be".

It's like he wants 2 wives.

I've seen you say a couple of times that a few months ago you felt taken advantage of and pulled back - but that seemed to make the relationship deteriorate. You're right - it will deteriorate at first when you demonstrate to him that he can't have the best of both worlds. They are like children not getting what they want so they take it out on you. He’ll have a tantrum. He’ll be cross. But girl – you gotta give this man space to miss you. Give him enough time to get over his anger that you won’t let him have you as well as OW … and then let him think about what that means.

It’s true that may take a while. But it’s better for you than this painful ride where it’s like he’s still having an illicit affair – doing the “family” stuff with you and the “partner” stuff with OW. That’s not OK.

Now – a gentle reminder about detachment. I understand why you are hurt he included OW with D at Christmas. However, to his mixed up mind he’s done the right thing. He’s had a Xmas with you and D and then a meal with OW and D. He thinks he’s getting it right. Giving a bit of himself to the “family” and a bit of himself to the new “relationship” and including his D in both parts of his life. That makes perfect sense to him. His cards to you and D at Christmas indicate he thinks he’s on the right track. He’s sorry for what he’s done to you, but isn’t it great that it’s all over now and we can all get on. He’s VERY detached. You need to take a does of that detachment too girlfriend. Please don’t let his decisions affect you.

You are a powerful oak tree. You know yourself and you know you are OK. You stand strong no matter how powerful the winds around you are. It doesn’t matter what he decides to do – because you are strong and you are going to be OK. Let it go.

In relation to your daughter being uncomfortable, disappointed etc – she needs to talk about that with her dad.

Take care Mila. V

[courageous wife]

Now – a gentle reminder about detachment. I understand why you are hurt he included OW with D at Christmas. However, to his mixed up mind he’s done the right thing. He’s had a Xmas with you and D and then a meal with OW and D. He thinks he’s getting it right. Giving a bit of himself to the “family” and a bit of himself to the new “relationship” and including his D in both parts of his life. That makes perfect sense to him. His cards to you and D at Christmas indicate he thinks he’s on the right track. He’s sorry for what he’s done to you, but isn’t it great that it’s all over now and we can all get on. He’s VERY detached. You need to take a does of that detachment too girlfriend. Please don’t let his decisions affect you.

This makes so much sense!!!

[AntoniaB]

Ok Virginia above said what I was thinking. The part about you being a powerful oak tree, well, you know, I cross stitch. It is my main hobby. And the piece I've been stitching for awhile is this tree, and the verse with it says, "The strength of a tree lies in its ability to bend."

See, your bending is your dealing with the situation, but only to a point, of course, because you're strong enough that you won't be taken advantage of.

You are a strong, independent woman who is very smart and knows what is best for her and her family. Don't forget that. There is some cake-eating here, yes. Just be aware of it.

I am glad to see you handling so much right now. Good luck with the coming days. I'm thinking of you.

[BeingMe]

I agree with Walking. He needs time and space to miss you. So, don't let your heart give in ... say 'no' to his wanting to get together as a family. It's all a charade anyway. He's allowing your D to think it's okay to have OW, and also family. This is not the example you want for her.

Take care. I love the oak tree metaphor.

[punkin]

The kids, even when grown, are the hardest part of it all. My girls refuse to have anything to do with OW, and consequently their Dad, and OW is using it to further drive a wedge between them.

As tough as it was/is, be glad he and D are not cutting each other out of their lives. Believe me, I understand how you feel completely. OW keeps pushing herself on my grands by SS. Insisting they spend the night. DIL isn't comfortable with that at all.

Wish I could say something cheerier, but it is what it is.

Have a good day Mila.

[kissak]

Mila...I understand how you feel. My H did this a few weeks ago with a woman he has only been with a few weeks. Thank goodness he didnt include her in our holiday traditions. He spent christmas eve at him house until late, then was back there early that morning to see our kids open gifts.

They are very selfish with what they want. They want the kids to accept the OW. They want to feel good about what they are doing...I think in my H's case, he was doing this for the OW's benefit and not our children's.

Hope you have a happy new year Mila

[Mila]

SA, Snodderly, Being, walking, CW, Antonia, Punkin & Kissak thank you all for your moral support...I'm calm now...I was thinking about what upset me the most about it....yeah his cake eating for sure, his disregard for D's feelings and also I felt like the OW was "stealing" my family....first my H and now trying to get into my D's life as well....it just hurts.....

Walking - thank you for your insightful post...very well put and on intellectual level I understand what may be going on in H's MLC mind, and why he does what he does....but on emotional level is still gets to me sometimes....especially when it affects my D....I guess it's my motherly instinct to protect her from H's craziness....

But I feel OK today...it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it....but if he continues his cake eating I will have to draw the line again....

I had a great "lunch date" with a male friend, then we had a nice walk on the beach and H calls....I didn't pick-up. Called him back later....Funny story actually. Couple of days before Xmas my crown fell out and my dentist was on Xmas vacation, so had to go and find someone else who would fix it over the holidays...mentioned it to H when he was here on Xmas Eve....so he calls me today to tell me that HIS crown fell out....what are the odds of that?....I just laughed into the phone...for some reason I found it funny...also found funny that he has OW there and he calls his wife to tell her that and asking me what to do...in a whiny voice...so had to give him the name of the dentist that I found for myself....wished him good luck and hang up....I think that he was surprised when I started laughing....also does he really think that I'll always be there for him when he wants something, when he needs help while he treats me like crap?...my gosh I really feel like his mother....

Have to run to prepare for tonight...have friends coming over....

[seeking answers]

Mila,

I truly believe that the MLCer thinks that everything will be just fine with everyone no matter what they do. My H said as much upon leaving. My H is finding out differently as the consequences of his choices come back to bite him.

It will be interesting to hear of your H's reaction if he ever finds out you're not where he left you. He seems to be depending heavily on that right now.

Have a great day!

[kissak]

Thats funny that he would call you to ask for a dentist...last week when my H brought the kids home, he asked me to trim his mustache....lol....I just laughed and did it for him anyway...wondering why he cant ask the ow to do it for him. He doesnt seem to care much about his appearance with his new gf. He hasnt had a haircut in quite a while and his hair is the longest i have seen since high school.

Hope you have a great day Mila!!

[BeingMe]

That is funny ... both your crowns falling out. And, weird. Maybe, you should've said to find a dentist on his own, like a grown man would.

'Eh! That's just me.