W sent me a text this morning that I feel was completely informational about about oldest son. I didn't respond and then two hours later I get this text:
W: Do you want to hang out NYE or did you make other plans?
I have not responded because I would like input. My gut reaction is to ask if it is over with OM. If W says no then I am going to decline. If W says yes then I was going to be open to doing something with her.
Funny how this text came in around the same time that Missher was posting about this very topic. I feel that I have his answer based on his post but Lotus and Sandi what are your thoughts?
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
I have been thinking about W's text for the last couple of hours. I was thinking of responding with the following.
Are you still involved with OM?
If her answer is yes then I was going to say, I have decided that I will not consider reconciliation or hang out until I know it is over with OM.
If this is the correct approach then my question is around confirming it is over with OM. I have seen different views on transparency mentioned on the board, some say to do it others say not to. Do I state that a no contact letter needs to be sent? I am just thinking about how to state it without it coming across as controlling if that is the correct path to take.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
I'd suggest you send her the message that you'd only be interested in spending New Year's eve with her if she was unattached.
I don't really like the idea of giving too much power to the OM and wouldn't even refer directly to him. Maybe something like " New Year's eve could be fun. If you were unattached I'd be interested. I've got a few possible plans in the works, so let me know where you're at. Cheers".
I'm in a somewhat similar place right now so I'm hoping for the best for you. Good luck.
I'm not sure that is a conversation that I would have in text...
This shot deserves more than a mis-communication in my opinion
Trust is gonna be the hardest obstacle you will face. And that doesn't only apply to what you are facing now. It will be in any relationship you have, with any person you are with.
That rebuilding, trust has to be given, yet verified. You trust that she has cut off communication, but you verify that it has happened.
I'm not real up to speed on your situation Kemper, but like most affairs, there will be moments when there will be contact.
As long as her actions match her words, and if HE contacts, she is transparent with that contact. And as long as it is not her contacting...
SwissMiss is correct....so you have laid down your sword first...
I know you need to respond to her b/c that is what is expected in your relationship with her and I know your expectations around texting.
However......this is communication that YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT MISINTERPRETED in any way shape or form.
I would at minimum have a phone conversation with her. That way she can hear the "tone" and "inflection" in your voice.....
and that tone should be on the softer side IMO.....you do not want to come across controling at all.
We can talk a big game here on the board and talk about laying down the LAW and BOUNDARIES and so on and so forth....
But....
If I thought you were sorta DICTATING to me WHAT I NEED to do.....
I would tell you to "GO EFF YOURSELF".
As a former card carring member of the "Controling Husband's Club"....I do not need to tell you that the damage a few words can do and how Looooooonnnnnngggggggg it takes to recover from it.
Do yourself a favor......call her.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
W knows that OM needs to be out of the picture and out of her life forever. I also feel that she knows what has to be done.
W tried calling the office while I was in a meeting. I was going to call her back in an hour or so to talk about NYE.
I was thinking of a combination of everyone's responses and saying to W that New Years Eve could be fun and I would be interested if you are unattached. However, I have decided that I will not consider reconciliation or hanging out until then. I've got a few possible plans in the works.
While typing this up W has tried calling my office and my cell phone.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
W sent a text asking if I was ignoring her on purpose or just busy. I wrote back and said that I was in a meeting and would be free in 30 min.
Called W and talked to her. She asked if I got her texts this morning and I said yes but I wanted to talk about NYE when I was free.
I told W that New Years Eve could be a lot of fun if she is offically single. W said that she hasn't had the conversation yet. At that point I said that I was sure she would handle it in time and then said that I couldn't do anything until that happened. She said that she understood and there was a pause in our conversation. She asked about upcoming plans regarding our sons which we talked about. She then said that she would see me later.
She will end up seeing me tonight when I pick up our sons from her condo. I feel that at this point it is very clear on what she has to do if she wants to move forward with me and with us.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
Sounds like that went well. It also sounds like telling her you had broken it off with your GF hasn't caused her to back off either. Good news, I'd say.
