Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .
All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word . .
Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .

You are a gem, Maria. My grandfather had a big beautiful booming voice and would sing that to a family friend. I always hear his voice when I think of your name and of you. My grandfather loved things of beauty and I know you and he would have hit it off. He was the loveliest man I've ever known. I miss him.

*****

It absolutely won't do for OW to continue working here. At this moment, I have no intention of quiting my job. I've been here 11 years and I've invested myself into my work as much as I've invested myself into my marriage. I may change my mind in the future, but for today, I'm staying put. As I mentioned before, her desk is completely cleaned out. The only items she left behind are gifts I had given to her over the years when I thought she was a friend.

I did get mad last night and I let my husband feel it. I told him his "don't worry about it" explanation was unacceptable and he asked what was it that I wanted to know. I said, "THE TRUTH." He said he took the items to storage until he figures out if he should donate them or throw them away. I'm waiting for him to reach the point of "Not Just Friends" that goes into the process of getting rid of gifts from the affair partner.

Speaking of the book, he picked it up very briefly last night and then asked me to watch a TV show with him. The show is called "Lie to Me" and it's about a body language expert that reaches the truth through interpreting "microexpressions". It was interesting but I imagine H must have felt uncomfortable because extramarital affairs were brought up, in addition to signs that someone is lying. One expression mentioned was contempt, which is shown with a slight snarl. (As I walked by OW's old desk this morning, I felt an involuntary snarl on my face.)

He started another episode and I felt my irritation and anger roiling and building. I poured myself a glass of wine, grabbed (snatched) the book off the coffee table and went into the backyard. It was pouring rain and I hurled the book into the garden. I felt so irritated and angry that he wasn't showing me his commitment to reading it. After I downed my wine I went back inside and found myself behaving very passive-aggressively - slamming a door, every movement loud and obvious (I know, real mature, huh?). It got his attention. I told him that I reached my limit and needed space from him. I didn't see the effort I needed to see. I won't be investing anymore of myself without getting more than crumbs in return.

He said he was sorry that he didn't always know what steps to take to show me and tell me how he feels. I called him emotionally retarded and told him his actions speak louder than words.

I cried a little and raged a lot. I told him I was tired of showing him empathy. I knew it was what the book told me to do, but I feel innocent this time and I feel he needs to do the 'work'. I told him, "I NEED SPACE FROM YOU!!" He told me he would leave; that he's ruined my life enough already and he can't bear to see me hurting like this but his inability to express himself didn't mean he didn't hate what he's done to me.

More was discussed. I don't even remember now. It feels like the same conversation over and over. The same circle of emotions over and over. I need help in dealing with this.

I told him at that moment, I wasn't ready for him to leave yet; but my feelings could change tomorrow. I want to take my time in processing this, but I do feel it's moving too slow.

After our conversation, I laid down next to him for a few minutes, just to feel something that use to be natural and beautiful. My stomach was hurting from the wine and lack of food (although I forced myself to eat yesterday: a few crackers and a cup of soup), but the wine made me feel icky. I went upstairs to bed. When he came up an hour or so later, I woke to him kissing me on my forehead.

I do believe he feels remorse and I don't believe he's downplaying it, but I don't trust what I feel. When I try to explain the interactions between us, I don't do a very good job of expressing the intensity involved.

My lack of energy over the past few days may be due to forgetting to take my thyroid medicine. My routine has been completely derailed (I almost typed "unrailed", my brain is not functioning!). I keep sleeping past (passed??? - why am I having such a hard time with this word? What is happening to me??!) my alarm and NEED to get back to daily exercise. I must promise myself to start up again tomorrow morning.