Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

I'm back! I forgot to mention that my family was coming down for the holidays (super fun!) and I took the week off, but that also meant they took over our home office and I had zero access to the computer! It was so nice to be able to have that time with S and my extended family! =)

The holidays went ok. H was giving me a slightly hard time about being "too busy" to spend time with him, since I was spending time with my family (obviously). I invited him to hang out with my family as well, but he was being his normal H drama-king self, saying that he was having a hard week & only wanted to hang out with S and I, and didn't want to have to put up a happy front w/ my family. So too bad for him, but I was not going to give up my family time esp when I only see them once a year! He came over for Christmas eve so that he could be there when S woke up. I wasn't hesitant after the Thanksgiving incident, but i kept reminding him how important it was to actually BE with the family. He was fine during stockings, but then when it came time for breakfast, he said he didn't feel well (probably ate to much beef jerky from him stocking) and didn't even join us! I was like, "great, here we go again!" Then present time came and he rejoined us and was.... well, there. (better than last year & this year's thanksgiving when he joined in for 15 mins, then hid away & slept the rest of the time). After present time, he did hide away for a bit but rejoined again for Christmas dinner. I honestly think he was trying b/c it was important to me (although really, I wasn't really satisfied in his lack of trying to really spend time w/ my fam), b/c he completely shutdown when we got to his parent's house that night. He slept the whole time and missed everything!

The last few days, he's been wanting to see me & was annoyed that my family was still down, but I just feel like this is cause and effect of his actions. If he wanted to be married and living together still, no matter what family time was spent during the day, I would still be coming home to him every night. I'm really annoyed that he is being so selfish of me and my time. Sorry, but he has no claim on that! I'm just beginning to feel very aloof about him and our R. I feel like I just don't like him and the person he is. I feel very wary about what I'm trying to save in our M. It's just like I don't care anymore. I mean I'm definitely going to give him the chance to "save our M" and go to MC b/c I want to know I tried everything (in hopes, that maybe our R really is salvageable), but on the other hand, I don't know if I would be completely devastated if it went the opposite direction (well, I guess we'll see when the time comes how i react, since it is still a loss of sorts).

In other events, my family that came down included my closest best-est friend cousin. She just got engaged, so her fiancée came down as well. Exciting thing is that she asked me to be her maid of honor and we did a lot of dress shopping (we finally purchased her dress yesterday!) and wedding planning. It's been fun but sometimes it's hard not to be a marriage cynic with everything I’m going thru w/ H. She also asked S to be the ring bearer, so it should all be really cute!

So now, back to work today and lots of catching up, but luckily it’s a short week! Yay!