wife preparing to leave me and kids

[habitacker]

Please take sandi's advice. She just described me to the letter. I asked wife that question, and got the response sandi said I would. That was after 2 months of DBing. I had to start all over in a bigger hole than I started with.

I wish I would of seen her above post about 2 months ago.

[blue2010]

So if I want to save this M back way off again monitor the emails gal 180+ no. R talk make home warm and welcome make the OM less appealing to talk to. By me being the more appealing and not pursuing

They are in active email contact complaining aboug us how the EA Started. If it continues we will confront.

I will not demand she decides.

[sandi2]

OM keeps telling his W that he wants to save the M. She was going to begin letting him know that it really felt

What does that mean? How did she plan to do that?

So if I want to save this M back way off again monitor the emails gal 180+ no. R talk make home warm and welcome make the OM less appealing to talk to. By me being the more appealing and not pursuing

I agree with backing off. If you have proof that an EA took place, then I would suggest that you do NOT continue to read their emails....b/c that will keep you pulled down and discouraged from DBing. Perhaps you need to reread that part in the DR book about monitoring. I agree with GAL,180's, and no R talk.

Make home warm & welcome......? Would that be a 180 for you or pursuing? Make OM less appealing to talk to......? I don't think you can make appealing or non-appealing about OM(to her), all you can do is affect what you are.

They are in active email contact complaining aboug us how the EA Started. If it continues we will confront.

They will continue. So, have you placed a date on "when" you will confront, or will you proceed with becoming a better man aNd happier with yourself? It's your decision and I'm just trying to get you to think more than just one way. What can you live with and what can't you live without? This is what every person has to decide for themselves.

[blue2010]

[quote]OM keeps telling his W that he wants to save the M. She was going to begin letting him know that it really felt

What does that mean? How did she plan to do that?

She was planning to let him know that she feels he is hiding something and has been that he is not giving her full trust. She is asking for transparency with the email and he won't give it because they are still in contact and lying but think we don't know. He has been lying to her face saying he will tell her if he gets email from my W. He also swears to want to save his M.

[blue2010]

They will continue. So, have you placed a date on "when" you will confront, or will you proceed with becoming a better man aNd happier with yourself? It's your decision and I'm just trying to get you to think more than just one way. What can you live with and what can't you live without? This is what every person has to decide for themselves.


[/quote]

Sandi As i have said I am on another forum because it is more active I like the advice here better. below is what I posted this morning in regards to confronting on the email and someone saying I am afraid. I do not want to expose to their families. But My W and OM continue to play this game despite professing it is over. I will gladly take more advice but what I wrote is how I feel.

I had posted another reply last night it failed to make it do I like this no am i afraid of my wife leaving like the way i felt on D Day. NO! Part of my homework which I still walk around pondering is what i want well i want what I cant have the way my life was a year ago before my wife blew a gasket. Things will never be just like that. I know that if i need help I pick up my phone and I can call people. She sadly does not because the people she would have called were my contacts.
So I choose to deal with this next week because that is when it works best for me. I have time to prepare myself. I have the opportunity to offer to her in nice conversation what I would like to see for us.
She has been saying she needed to leave since D day. I first begged her not to go. I have since given her the open door. She has filed the papers but oddly enough has no clue when we will see them. She is a very organized person. She was suppossed to complete a seperation agreement 3 times, in order for our MC to help us work out issues. She does not try to avoid counseling at all. So I was letting her actions lead. No maybe this is not on everyones time frame, but it works for me and will shock her.
I completed a seperation agreement last night DRAFT in the watermark because it is not perfect. I will have the run down of what has transpired since our last MC appointment, it has been weeks. I have let my W lead most times at the MC seeing where she was going to take it I plan to lead the discussion this time, nicely of course.
So yes I remain Afraid for my children and the pain and sadness her finally leaving will create. I fear that she is putting on such a good game face with everyone except me that nobody else can see how emotionally off she is right now. And even an MC or an MD will probably not pickup on it unless she snaps.
I am afraid that if I expose the whole truth to my mother she will have a real cardiac issue, my dad .........may react violently and have a cardiac issue. They both have real health problems. My mom at the discussion of us having marital difficulties had a very negative response emotional and physical. And thats not amature eval I am medically trained, with long term experience.
I am no longer truly afraid of her not recommitting to this M because right now she is not the woman I married and I do not know how I feel about that. I no longer know for sure that I want her here.
So I choose to deal with this situation in less than a week. During a MC appointment. Prepared with papers organized. From which appointment I will leave and bring her sister her one trusted person she confides in the same evidence of the ongoing contact. Her sister who is convinced the contact is over as well.
I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror 20 years from now. If I do not do it this way I will not feel right. They (om and my WW) truly believe we have no clue. Like it is brand new. So I do not see the confronting as a waste of time you are only getting my typed words I cannot fully express the rest of what I see, do, discuss with others etc.

So I am not ignoring anyones advice without it all I would be curled up in a corner. I would not be making my stubborn decision. For ME I need to confront her on this. FOR ME. I just realized that, it's not a waste of time, It is what I need to do, for me to work through this to know that I did everything I felt was right and made my decisions. Even though they were not right on with everyone. This is how I need to do it. I need a third party there, because I know she has been twisting what happens.

She knows the fate of this marriage is in her hands I have made that clear.

Thank you again everyone for your input.

Sandi, I have done the 180's I have backed off i can only GAL so much because I am primary caregiver of the children and I am happy with that. I cannot understand how not confronting her on her continued contact would not allow the affair to grow again. I have been pleasant. Home has always been warm and welcoming the things she chose to develop her EA on she should have been directing at me so I knew we had a problem, she has even said she dealt with it the wrong way. Would it be nice to save this ...yes. But I think my reality is she is more of a WAW. She says she built a wall back in June well that's when the EA took the PA twist. Thats when and only when she began to display signs of distancing. She continues to distance. She is working a solid plan to move out. She only gets defensive when i ask the direct question along the lines of if she actually is done with this R or wants a Divorce. She will avoid answering.
She doesnt see how this is recoverable she won't let anyone show us the way.

So I was going to confront because we cannot see letting the A grow again. It also seems the questioning of honesty is wearing on her.

Sorry so long. Yes my patience is wearing. So is OM W. Ther are no strangers in this scenario unfortunately.

[sandi2]

I'm still a bit confused about what you want.

So, do you plan to include OM's W at time of confronting about the A? Is she the "we" you are referring to in this sentence?

So I was going to confront because we cannot see letting the A grow again.

As i have said I am on another forum because it is more active I like the advice here better.

Do you mean another message board?

I do not want to expose to their families.

There is certainly a difference in confronting her about lying and continuing the A from exposing her behavior to the families. Your family will not be happy and having health issues can be serious. However, the news will get out eventually. That is why you have to know what your goal is and how you plan to to act. You can't just go to the MC and tell your W you know what she's doing and leave it at that. That is giving her all the power. You have to decide to have the power in this R.

I'm not telling you which way to go and I think you may have misunderstood some of what I said before. That's okay b/c I know you are under a lot of stress. I just want you to think with a clear mind and not act out of emotions.

Some men can do what MWD

[sandi2]

Opps.....hit the submit button.

Some men can do as MWD teaches,and wait out the A. Some men can't and feel they are being treated very disrespected and they can't live like that. That is what I meant about "what can you live with....or what can't you live without.

You have to have a plan that goes past confronting her at the MC.

[blue2010]

Ok, past the MC. I did plan to clue her sister and step dad back in they already know but think its over. I was leaning toward informing the parents that divorce has been filed and why, the affair. I suppose it would also depend on reaction. I highly doubt she will open up but then she can move out we can legally seperate I can LRT.
Unless someone has a better idea. I am tired of them lying to our faces and continuing communication. How long really are you suppossed to wait.

I don't really know now that u ask. It seems like exposing or waiting all have negative implications.

[Kemper]

Each timeline is different but the one thing that is common is that it takes time. As a point of reference my W dropped the bomb Aug 2009, moved out March 2010 and the only thing we talked about the entire time was in reference to our children. It wasn't until Oct 2010 that my W approached me regarding the possiblity of reconciliation.

[blue2010]

I feel I need to confront the ongoing contact. I still feel that exposing the A to more family creates more problems but it would eliminate the secret.

I. Know there are methods out there that say expose DB Does not in the end its steps so do I at least step up to confronting?