Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[ScaredinCanada]

Hope everyone had a decent Christmas.

I took the kids to the show to see "Tangled" the weekend before Christmas (it's a solid movie) and the girls really loved it.

On Christmas Eve the W took the kids to church with a family that has a D that is really good friends with my oldest D. When they got home I helped put the kids to bed and then headed to my brothers house (by myself) as he was entertaining.

I mostly enjoyed myself, but even though I had decided to have a "dry" Christmas everyone kept offer me a drink. I stuck with it and just drank water. The strange part was that my W's side of the family is just not included. My brothers IL's were there, along with my other brothers soon to be IL's as well as my brothers W's sister and HER IL's?!?! That seemed strange to me. A few people asked about my W, and just said she stayed home with the kids.

Mine was ok, as I really enjoyed the morning with the kids and the W on Christmas morning. Shortly after that I had some bad emotional set-backs as I was envisioning this as our last Christmas as a family. I was a little bit snappy with the W, asking her if she felt anything at such a special time (between us). She basically just said she felt bad that she didn't really buy me anything (she got me 2 shirts) and I got her a bunch of small thoughful gifts. I told her that was fine, that I washappy with what I got, but I wanted to know if she felt ANYTHING with regards to us. She basically just rolled her eyes and said "not today, can we just get through it and not make such a big deal".

So I decieded to go off and get dressed as the W's family was coming over. I never have a bath, so I decided too. I also picked up DR and started reading while I was in the tub. I guess I ended up falling asleep in the tub, because once I finally got out I'd been in there for about 2 hours! I managed to read 45 pages of DR, and I felt pretty good after my nap in the bath.

We had an amazing time with the W's family, a great dinner, music and dancing and playing board games. Everyone was drinking, except for a few designated drivers and myself. My W's cousin came up to me (she was drunk) near the end of the night and basically told me she could tell there was some friction between me and the W. I was kinda surprised, because I didn't think there had been any. She told me she believes we are both great people and she really hopes that whatever we are going through we can work it out.

Once every left and we cleaned up, my W was as drunk as I've seen her in a long time. So as we went to bed I started to come onto her. She was interested as first, but once foreplay began she gave into the urge (we hadn't been physical in almost 2 months). Now I'm not saying we ML, as I tried to kiss her but she turned away. Of course in the end I really just felt guilty about it. The next day - and since she hasn't said a word - it's like it never happened.

Boxing Day (day after Christmas in Canada) my W had to work, and my parents were having dinner at their place. My W didn't like the fact that I was taking the kids, and I know this is going to become a HUGE issue in the coming months. I left to goto my parents at the same time my W left for work, just to avoid leaving her alone in the house.

The kids had an awesome time and I could tell my M and F were really happy to see my girls. We visited a bit with my grand-parents and my brothers and their W's and my niece. The girls got a number of gifts. Dinner was fantastic as always.

At one point in the night, I got a few minutes alone with my M and my youngest D. I tried to explain to my M how tough it was for my W for the kids to come and see them. I told her again that no matter what this sitch between my M and my W needs to be put to bed. I told my M that eventually I'm going to have to choose between my family and MY family. My M just said that we be horrible. I'm sure she somewhat expected it. I told her that I would have trouble bringing the girls over if my W was going to be home alone.

My M still asked about have my 2 older D's over for a sleep-over, which I just told her I didn't know if that would be possible. She wanted to take my D out for her birthday (which is coming up in January).

Monday I was still not really feeling good and my W had plans to take the girls out to the show. It was partly emotional and partly physical, so I went to for a nap. I ended up sleeping almost 6 hours.

When I got up we had dinner, and my W reminded me that she had plans to goto a Christmas party with some girls from work. Of course we argued about it a bit, because she never goes out and I was somewhat concerned that she might stray or may already be straying. She was angry and pulled out the invitation and told me it was "girls only". I told her I was fine with it, which I really was, because I believed her.

I let her sleep in on Tuesday since she was out late on Monday night, she got up and went shopping in the morning with D2 and as soon as she got back I went out to my BF's place to play cards. When I got home the W left immediately for work.

I went to 3 events over the holidays, and I had a total of 2 beers. I also avoided having seconds and only had desert on 1 of the nights. I got through the holidays and I am maintaining a weight of 185 pounds - which feels really good. I'm still sick - been 2 weeks today that I've had major chest and sinus congestion with a couple fevers sprinkled in.

2 days to go until my little brothers wedding, and the last time my W will ever see my M (her words). I'm trying to right a speech, but I'm struggling because I want it to be meaningful, but I don't want to cry.

I have a couple questions for everyone/anyone:

1) Should I still try and make New Years resoltions?
2) Of all of the people that have a WAS, what percentage are successfully in bettering themselves and repairing their M?

My gut tells me it's very low. I also feel like my W uses the "lots of people get divorced" as further validation of her feelings.

The wedding will be the last big test for sometime, and I really just want to get it over with so my W can also get into IC or we can both get into MC.