Thanks for this post, it resonated so strongly with me on so many levels. The lashing out as a way of gaining control was a lightbulb moment.
I am finalising, or trying to finalise my divorce settlement. We reached an agreement nearly a year ago [the divorce is past its 2nd birthday now] and since then my h has been stalling, while insisting he really wants the divorce [he started proceedings]. The Courts will not now allow any further delays, and we have been trying to establish what he actually wants. I have suggested discussing this over the phone, face to face, through his lawyer, through both of our lawyers, as well as through mediators.
I have been told repeatedly by him that I am delaying things, and they are all ready. None of this is true. SO we are going to Court. It will cost a huge amount of money, and really there is little legal room for negotiation. We are not wealthy, just the accumulation of a long working life [minus the depredations of our wonderful children!]
The court case will cost more than any difference between what either of us might get, aside from what cannot be negotiated [pensions etc] and I would much rather he had it than the legal system/lawyers. I have written and explained all of this [he hasn't spoken to me since July when I told him off for some really awful behaviour].
I understand your need to stop posting, although this can be a useful outlet in times of stress. But if you do read this, please do get a wonderful lawyer whom you like and trust. It makes such a difference to feel that they are in your corner and protecting your interests. They know what is reasonable and unreasonable, and it really really helps.
You will likely have some very hurtful accusations, but know enough to realise they are not really about you. And the relief of this long nightmare finally being over is making me feel almost lightheaded. I never wanted the divorce, but now I want it very much because it represents my h's final attempts to control and manipulate me. But I am truly not bitter. I simply want to move on fully with my life. I had a great marriage, and know I make good and lasting relationships, I am fine on my own. I would not change my life.
