I failled horribly...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Well, I did go with my friends on the road trip and we did have a great time. After the game, we went out for a night on the town and didn't get back to the hotel room until 6am! Slept for a couple of hours and went home. Very successful trip for all.

As for my home life, things aren't so great. I am still sticking faithfully to my routine. I try to make sure I get enough sleep, enough to eat, I go to the gym 4 days a week for 2 hours, I work hard at my job and I play hard with my friends on the weekends. All this has been great, but the holidays have been a real test. After weeks of doing seemingly "OK," I have struggled this past week. I have privately broken down into tears on three different occasions after not doing this at all for weeks. I do think I am starting to get really, really lonely and scared. For 15 years, the longest we had ever been apart was six days. It has now been 115 days since she left and we haven't seen each other in person in three weeks. What I hated the most was going to family functions during the holidays and having my family members look at me as though I am terminally ill with cancer! At one point, I actually announced that to a small group of my relatives. As we were standing around in the kitchen, I announced that I was open for questions and I would really appreciate it if everyone would stop treating me like I was dying. Everyone laughed, a couple hugged me and the night was better after that. I know they just want to be there for me, but they don't know what to say. Who would? I will give you this piece of advice. When you are around friends and family for the first time in person that know about the separation, you be the one to bring it up and tell them it is OK to talk about it. It makes things easier on everyone and many of them have thanked me for "addressing the white elephant sitting in the middle of the room."


I bought her and her family each one Christmas gift and dropped them off at her parent's home a couple of days before X-mas. On X-mas day, I got a thank you text from my mother-in-law (who I do believe has been secretly sabotaging my marriage for a few months now) and, surprisingly, my wife. I bought my wife's young niece a gift that really stole the show. The little girl played with that gift only all day long on X-mas day despite the fact that her own parents had purchased her numerous other gifts. So, later on Christmas day, my wife sent me an email with photos and a video of the little one playing with my gift and thanking me for being so thoughtful. I sent a brief response, nothing emotional, and moved on. She did respond immediately with a few words and well wishes. But since then, nothing.

I have noticed one thing since she lifted the "communications blackout" that she put in place in October. Lately, when I do make the occasional contact via email or text, she does respond very quickly. In one of my emails before Christmas, she ended her reply with an open-ended question as though she wanted to keep the email going. I responded and did the same. She responded. But, after a couple of days, I just ended the chain to see what would happen and, as I suspected, she has not tried to talk with me again. I think she wants to talk with me, but I have to make all the effort. I am going to try again this week to see what happens. I have also noticed on Facebook that she continues to stay in touch with many members of my family. I guess I have a couple of positive things to look at: She is talking to me when I reach out, she is not angry when I talk with her, she continues to reach out to my family, she has not yet filed. And, as far as I know, there isn't another man. But, how would I know if there was... we don't see each other or speak to each other for weeks at a time. She is either getting over her initial anger that caused her to leave or she is setting me up for divorce papers. I have no idea what is the truth right now...

Damn it, I miss her so much. I know somewhere under all her anger, she still loves me. I just don't know how to bring that back out. On the bright side, I have grown in many ways since she left. I do believe in my heart that I can do a better job of being a husband should she return. I realize now where I made many of my mistakes and how she could have been angered enough to walk out by some of what I did. She too has some growing up to do. Should she refuse, I fear we will not make it as a couple. I am so freaking scared, words cannot explain it.

Denver, I do appreciate the support. Send me some details on your situation. I would love to find someone on here that I could regularly chat with about what is going on. I am sure we could help each other out from time to time. Happy New Year, my friend!

Fellonblackdays