Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

((((sg)))))

I am pretty incredible when I'm at 100%, although I'm having a lot of self doubt (maybe I'm not sexy enough, smart enough, maybe I'm not the 'whole package'...). I'm sure this is temporary and will pass. I will work hard to make myself better and stronger once the trauma wears off.

My best friend since we were 15 years old lives about 3 hours away. She's a busy mom of three so we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like. So far, she's the only person in real life that knows my current situation and she and I are making plans to get together as soon as possible. I told her I'd rather be in a more upbeat mood, but she said she doesn't care if I'm mute or a cry baby. She loves me and just wants to wrap her arms around me. I'm so thankful for her friendship.

A few years ago she had a benign brain tumor (acoustic neuroma) and they removed most of the tumor but left some behind to preserve as much of the facial nerve and hearing as possible. She suffers some facial paralysis and she is an incredibly beautiful woman. 5’ 10”, blond, green eyes – supermodel material. Lately she’s been having pain in her facial nerve similar to the pain she experienced when they discovered the tumor. I am terrified that the tumor could be growing again and if they do another surgery, she will likely suffer complete paralysis of her stunningly beautiful face. My broken heart is nothing compared to what she’s been through and could potentially face again. She has an appointment with her neurologist on January 4, so I probably won’t be able to spend time with her until after her appointment.

We lost touch for a time in our lives but I found her again in May of this year and it was like there had never been an absence. Sadly, her mom, one of the most loving women I've ever known, passed away last December. They were best of friends and the loss has been devastating. My friend thinks a cosmic force brought us together at a time when we need each other's support more than ever. My guess is the cosmic force is her mom.

I had to run to my boss’ house to drop off some paperwork (he’s still recovering from his open heart surgery). I try to act like everything is fine, but he sees through me and presses me to tell him what is weighing so heavily on me. “Tell it to me straight, no B.S.” We’ve known each other for 11 years and are very close friends. I told him so many people I love are dealing with scary health issues (my boss, my sister, my best friend, plus the death of my other friend) and he accepted my explanation without further inquiry. He would be devastated to know the additional information I’m carrying. He loves and admires my husband tremendously. He respects OW. The stress of the uncertainty of the company because of this love triangle would be too much for him to bear while he’s recovering from such a major health scare of his own.

It was nice to sit and chat with him for a few minutes and it lifted my mood briefly. As I got in my car I was hit with a vision of my h and OW. Knowing that she knows every intimate detail of my h – probably more than I know considering I was the one in the dark – brought my reality back into focus.

I wish my C would hurry up and have a cancellation so I could talk to someone face to face. I’m searching for marriage counselors in the phone book and online, but I’d like to have his personal recommendation.

I've read threads of other posters before and thought, "why in the world would she even consider staying with this creep?" and I'm guessing that's what a lot of readers are thinking but not posting to my thread.

I keep telling myself to give it time. I don't know if I can move beyond such a long-term betrayal. I'm not the type of person who believes marriages should stay together if things aren't right. If it's bad enough: get out. If the hurt is too deep: cut bait and ... how does that saying go? Maybe it's just 'cut bait'.

Please know if you're reading this and thinking to yourself that I'm crazy, a) you may be right; and b) I'm just trying to get my footing before I make a decision.

Love to all.