I understand those days of just wanting to curl up somewhere and cry and feeling so pathetic because of it. Your feelings are really important; it's good to feel them completely and understand that feelings are just what they are. Life still keeps moving despite how you feel - and those feelings won't stop you. Once you get that, you won't be as afraid of your feelings as you have been and you won't act out of fear. It might sound a little hokey, but it really worked for me.
I was afraid to feel hurt, to feel alone/lonely, to feel sad or depressed or in pain. I have always been afraid of bad feelings and I structured my life to avoid them. Well, when H cheated and, later, left, I had to face down some of the worse feelings of my life - and I just realized, they're just feelings. I don't have to act on how I feel, I don't have to let them define me and I can still keep on living even when I am feeling bad, and if I wait long enough, my feelings change/evolve/transform.
You are not defined by your marriage. Marriage can be a great and beautiful thing but it doesn't define either of us. It can be the best thing about our lives but even then it shouldn't define us. You define who you are. Don't just do things that you like or that make you happy or that please you. Don't just yearn and long for the things that you don't have. Enjoy what you have right now!
I have begun to enjoy the littlest things. Like listening to books on CD in the car now that I am not riding with him. Like the feeling of fresh, crisp cool sheets on my bed and stretching out all over the bed...and hogging all the pillows - every, last one! And watching whatever I want on the television with no word from anyone else. And singing at the top of my lungs in the shower without disturbing anyone. And turning off all the sounds in the house so that it's dead silent when I read. And listening to whatever kind of music I want to listen to without any input from anyone else. And burning frosted cranberry candles all over the house. I am enjoying me. I am enjoying solitude, peace, calm, tranquility. I am enjoying my own kind of chaos.
Sure, I'd also enjoy living with H and building a better M, but I am not in control of that situation. And I refuse to live in a M where I am constantly looking over his shoulder to determine if he is available/faithful/in love with me/willing to work on us, etc. I don't have to live that way and I never will again. I put no demands on him. I demand nothing from him. If he wants to be with me, his actions will prove it - and there is nothing I want to do to convince him to want to be with me. I simply want to be the best me that I know how to be - and if that's the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, then time will tell.
What I can control is how I approach my life. I can control my attitude. I can control how I react to my feelings. I can control my personal goals for my life and how hard I work to achieve them. If I drop dead tomorrow, I will have lived my life face and heart forward.
I don't need a husband to be happy. I have plenty of love in my life - and most importantly, I have my own love. I'm going to enjoy my life the way it is right now, because soon enough I'll either be back piecing with H or moving on into a new relationship. Right now, I get to focus on me - and I'm choosing to believe that it's a beautiful opportunity, not a tragedy.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
