Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

So it's been about a week since my last post. When I made my last post, I was out of town while H stayed at the house with D. The night before I came back, he was totally flirty on IM (which he hadn't done in a while). He made some not so subtle innuendos about stuff we'd do when I got back (if you get my drift). So as I drove back home the next day, I was looking forward to seeing him. About halfway through my 3.5 hour drive, he called me and let me know he wasn't feeling well and needed to go back home. D would just stay on her own for an hour or so. That was fine, but still a let down. Then, once I got home, the house was in a bit of disarray. Not horrible mind you, but certainly not as tidy as I keep it. It just put me in a dour mood. I'd worked 10 hours, drove 3.5 hrs, then came home to a house with no H as promised and a slight mess. I tidied what I could, ate a quick dinner and went to bed. I was starting to reach my wits end. I didn't feel married. I had a H that kept saying he'd move back but seemed to flee every time I was around lately. In fact, that night, I took my wedding ring off because I just didn't feel married any longer.

In the middle of the night, I was awoken by my H. He had driven back over. His first words to me were "Sorry I'm so broken". I was barely awake but asked why he said that. He said "I should've just stayed". Needless to say, that mean an enormous amount to me just then. It made me realize that he WAS trying but he was dealing with difficult emotions. He climbed into bed with me and I slept well.

I had to work the next few days but locally. H watched D at home and when I got back in the evening, he had brought his suitcase. He has been at home since. Each night, I'm prepared for him to say he's going back to his place, but so far he hasn't done so. However, he's still living out of his suitcase and hasn't put anything in the closet. But everything at it's own pace. Last night, he had an anxiety attack while in bed. I asked him if he needed to go home. He said he'd just take a Xanax and take a shower. He didn't sleep well at all, but stayed.

You may recall I defriended H on FB recently. After a few days, he texted me and asked

H - "You defriended me on FB?"

Me - Yeah. OW has started commenting/liking your posts recently and that wasn't good for my mental health. It was for me, not against you.

H - I know. I'm sorry. I should have cleaned house before now.

That was last week. I still haven't re-friended him. As far as I know, he's still FB friends with OW. He's mentioned several times recently that he doesn't like not being FB friends with me but he understands why I did it. I know he realizes he will have to defriend her in order for me to refriend him. I don't think the OW will stop posting on his stuff. I also know he will feel bad for having to do so and that is probably what's keeping him from taking that next step. I will be patient.

So overall things are looking up. I continue to take things one day at a time. I've been working a lot recently and haven't had much time to look into seeing a MC (for myself). But I plan to do so once I have a little more time available.

The busiest time of the year is just a few weeks away for H. He will be working at a conference for two weeks in a nearby town. I know for a fact that OW was at the conference last year and HAD planned to attend this year. However, last I heard from H, she didn't want to go if they weren't going as an open couple. However, she had already requested time off from work and may instead use that time to look for housing nearby since she's moving back to the area. So a bit of stress inducing times are ahead. But as with all things, worrying will help nothing. I will continue to take things one day at a time.

I wish all my DB friends a Happy New Year!