I went back and read this thread this morning. I feel like you are definately working on your thread title, however, I still feel like you are trying so hard to convince yourself that your H is right.
This is not something that you are going to intellectualize, unfortunately.
You have written about so many things that I experienced. So many things that I felt. You are not alone as you can see by these boards. My H, was as equally convincing as your H seems to be in regards to his decision about the M. I don't think I saw much that would have made me think he felt anything but hatred for me for well over two years. And you won't until the depression gets so bad that they can't hide it as well anymore.
Remember, they are working hard to convince themselves that they are making the right choices and one of the ways to do that, is by convincing us.
The nice gestures (like the money for Christmas), are guilt relieving for them as well as the only way that you can see the feelings that still exist somewhere buried in a small corner inside of them. The ones that they simply can't show any other way.
MLC, does not end quickly. It just simply doesn't. You have only been going through this for a short time in comparison to some. I know that doesn't make your pain any less and it shouldn't, but I hope you keep it in mind when trying to make choices for you and your future.
When you are ready and healthy, you may be surprised at how you feel about relationships. And about yourself. Your self image, is what you need to be working on. That is the digging that PEI is talking about.
Believe me, if you are heavy and your H found you attractive, so will someone else. However, you have to have faith and confidence in yourself first.
As we get healthy and happy, those feeling shine through to the world. Just as our sadness and unhappiness shows to others as well.
It is what attracts us or makes us avoid other people. That life force that emanates from within them.
You can do this.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
