These guys are really not OK. I have friends who have been through various divorces, and it doesn't have to be this way.
The facts are, yes, you were probably very co-dependent. not that unusual in married couples, especially those without children. But he ups and leaves you for another woman. Yes, it happens, but it isn't OK. EVERYONE needs time after a long relationship however good or however bad, to 'get over' this learn from the experience, and move on. your husband is actually, I suspect lost to himself. The cold tone is coming from a place of disassociation of his feelings. He hasn't been with OW very long in MLC terms. Watch this space. The relationship will change. But don't watch it obsessively!
I have felt all you have felt, I promise. But the relationship with OW isn't real. The only thing I wish was that I had learnt detachment a lot sooner. Still working on that assignment.
I remember all those 'cold' formal notes, and phone calls, - one of my friends whose h went through a MLC said it was as if she were trying to communicate through a pane of invisible glass. I remember looking at the cards and notes, and thinking where did the love go?
No relationship that begins in lies and betrayal is ever healthy. I knew that from day one, and although, like you, I doubted it at times, my husband told me I was right a few months ago!
Work on detachment. I loved my husband and I still love him, but I can contemplate life without him. I am not interested in another relationship, but that is because I am still healing and working on myself. When you are, you will know. Of course you are still grieving and hurting. your husband betrayed to you, and lied to you, and broke promises. If your business partner had behaved like that you would also have been extremely upset, let alone your husband.
No one has to stay in a relationship that isn't happy, but that is not the way to leave it. Please do read the Frank Pittman article on infidelity that I suggested. It tells you a lot about infidelity even if you do not subscribe to the notion of MLC.
My guess is that you are afraid that the woman is right for him [she isn't] and that he will never come back, which threatens your sense of self, understandably. You are human and hurting.
You are going to be alright, but it will take time, and in the meantime, you have to be nice to yourself, and not look for the quick fix
I went back and read this thread this morning. I feel like you are definately working on your thread title, however, I still feel like you are trying so hard to convince yourself that your H is right.
This is not something that you are going to intellectualize, unfortunately.
You have written about so many things that I experienced. So many things that I felt. You are not alone as you can see by these boards. My H, was as equally convincing as your H seems to be in regards to his decision about the M. I don't think I saw much that would have made me think he felt anything but hatred for me for well over two years. And you won't until the depression gets so bad that they can't hide it as well anymore.
Remember, they are working hard to convince themselves that they are making the right choices and one of the ways to do that, is by convincing us.
The nice gestures (like the money for Christmas), are guilt relieving for them as well as the only way that you can see the feelings that still exist somewhere buried in a small corner inside of them. The ones that they simply can't show any other way.
MLC, does not end quickly. It just simply doesn't. You have only been going through this for a short time in comparison to some. I know that doesn't make your pain any less and it shouldn't, but I hope you keep it in mind when trying to make choices for you and your future.
When you are ready and healthy, you may be surprised at how you feel about relationships. And about yourself. Your self image, is what you need to be working on. That is the digging that PEI is talking about.
Believe me, if you are heavy and your H found you attractive, so will someone else. However, you have to have faith and confidence in yourself first.
As we get healthy and happy, those feeling shine through to the world. Just as our sadness and unhappiness shows to others as well.
It is what attracts us or makes us avoid other people. That life force that emanates from within them.
You can do this.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You guys are so awesome. Thank you so much. This is all so helpful, especially to hear those are who past the point where I am now who are saying that things will keep changing for the better.
I have to laugh, because earlier today I talked about time and how timing was just off as far as my not being in a place where I could make that relationship work until it was too late (of course he wasn't in the right place either...)One of my girlfriends who was up for a visit to see her parents just stopped by my house right after I wrote that part about time on my post, and she gave me a Christmas present. Guess what it was? The time turner pendant from the Harry Potter series, the one Hermione wears. She gave me a little speech when she gave it to me, saying that I could "turn it to the past" to reflect on my happy memories of my marriage, or "turn it to the future" as a way to look forward always to what I'm learning and how I'm progressing as my own person.
Between your posts today and my friend's thoughtful gift, I feel many blessings surrounding me. Thank you :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I think we are all in the same place at the same time for a reason. Something led us to this site. To help each other and to gain insight into our own demons.
Beatrice is so right when she says we can still love our H's, but become detached enough to watch from afar without the pain of seperation. I believe I have reached that point. I can see my H without the pain. Now, if I had to see him with OW, I might go ballistic, but hopefully that won't happen.
I have good friends, good family, good employers. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. For now, that's enough.
Forgiving your H is in part forgiving yourself. I think you are doing a great job. DESPITE THE FIREY CAR CRASH FANTASIES. LOL
Hey GAG thanks a lot for the compliment. I just recently went back to my natural hair color after 20 plus years of color and highlights. I don't know if my H would even recognize me--he's never seen me with that hair!
Today was an awesome day. My girlfriend came up from Greensboro to stay through the weekend and we had dinner last night where the bartender flirted a bit with me (nice experience) and today we went to a used book store and out to eat again. I have laughed long and hard today--and I wouldn't have this friend in my life had tragedy not struck my marriage, so a definite silver lining! Hope you all are having a good day!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Ok explain this feeling that I have! I am actually disappointed that I am not divorced and it's 12/31/10. I won't be divorced to start off 2011. Unless that divorce decree is stuck in the mail or finalized and sitting on someone's desk at family court, it hasn't happened yet, and I'm very perturbed by this.
All I wanted was to start 2011 "free" of this toxic marriage. A few months ago, I was clinging to the fact that I was still married and he was having an affair and saying that at least I was standing for my morals and the vows while he wasn't. Now, I don't want to be associated with that marriage anymore. I am bothered that I am married by law to an adulterer. I want him detached legally. And now, I will start a new year, and he isn't detached.
(the tax issue is another whole can of worms since I'm told we have to file jointly now and that will mean additional contact and problems that I didn't want to deal with).
But aside from all that, I wanted to enter 2011 "clean" and "free" and I feel like I can't.
I actually texted him this morning to say this: "It is the end of the year. Why am I not divorced?" I meant every word. I don't want any connection to that old marriage anymore. He texted back, "It is up to the court to put it on their docket and take care of it. It is out of my hands. Have a nice new years."
I resisted the urge to text back "I wanted to be free and clear." My girlfriend is here and she just said it would escalate things. So I didn't do that. But like I said, I feel let down, and I just find this all so weird, because I was all about DBing and I guess now I'm not
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I wanted to add: one thing that has made these holidays difficult for me is the fact that I know I'm still legally married to him but he's off with someone else. I guess I feel like I've had to get through T-giving and Christmas knowing that my legally married husband is celebrating with the OW, and I wanted to at least have New Year's knowing that we were legally severed because I feel like at least then he's not still continuing to betray me. Don't know if that makes sense...
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I've been meaning to post to you before now. I'm sorry that it's taken awhile. I read through your thread yesterday and now I finally have time to write.
I wanted to post to you because like your H, my H/XH was determined to get a speedy D. My H/XH was single-minded and pushed very hard until the D was final. I DB'ed my butt off but H/XH only began softening up when I told him I was thinking about leaving my asst. professor position at the university 4 months after the bomb. I was passionate about my research career there, but that place took my life's blood and more. That job interfered with every R I've had for the past 20 years. H/XH was right about that. Regardless of my changing myself in that very visible, my H still pushed hard for D. I think that he was in so deep (had publicly bragged to his friends that he was D'ing me, was planning to put money down on a home he wanted to buy) he didn't see how he could even consider putting a "hold" on the D. Add to that, his L kept pushing him forward and his BMF was pushing him (BMF wanted a bachelor buddy to hang with and getting a real estate commission from the sale of a home to H/XH was icing on the cake for BMF)..............but if you look at my thread now (1 year post-D) you will see that things haven't turned out the way H/XH thought they would. I am a big believer in that what people sow, they will also reap. Your H will find out soon enough that the fantasy he thinks he has found does not exist.
The main differences I can see between my situation and yours is that to my knowledge (and I have a reliable source) my H did not have an OW.........and both H/XH and I had dated a lot before we M'ed. Dating did not/does not hold any allure to either of us the way it can when someone M's their high school or college sweetheart.
What I wanted to say to you is that you are still very early in your situation. Anything can and will happen to you over the next 1-2 years. I read through your thread yesterday and I can tell from your posts that you are open to what this experience might have to show you. You have more control in this situation than you realize. That is one of the gifts that DB'ing gives us. Make sure that you take the time to figure out how you contributed to the problems in your M or these same issues will cause problems again in the future. After my D was final I read "Intimacy and Desire" by David Schnarch. It really gave me a blueprint for what I should aspire to in a future R and showed me how to prepare for that. If you haven't already read this book, I would recommend it. Schnarch also has an online community (crucible4points.com).
You have control to decide how you will relate to your H and this in turn will influence the nature of your future R with your H. Illicit Rs, borne out of deception, rarely lead to healthy long-lasting Rs. Your H's R with OW will most likely go south as familiarity sets in. It's just a matter of time. I'm not saying you should wait for H. That is your choice. I'm just saying that you are probably experiencing more grief now than you realize. Allow yourself to feel that grief. It is the road to healing.
My father died suddenly when I was 18. I remember that it was 5 years before I could think of that loss without feeling grief or having tears come to my eyes. Our hearts need time to heal. My hope for you is that you give yourself time to heal before making any big decisions.
Next year will be better for you! The one positive aspect of going through the D early after the bomb, is that it removes the negativity of D negotiations from your life. Once that is gone, you may be surprised at what can happen. Lets both of us go out there and make 2011 "our" year!
