STBXH wants to show kids what a "real family is"

[MeMyselfandI]

I have been lurking on these boards and reading for a very long time. Much has happened over the last year and I have been dbing the best I can based upon advice I have read here, along with the books but I think it's time I get some guidance along the way.

I'll try to keep this brief but as you can see by my sig, we are fast-tracking to divorce. I have initiated this as I do not want anything to do with our old marriage, ever! I never felt like it was mine to begin with as his mother planned the whole thing, it was a double wedding with his brother and at the end of the day, I didn't have a say in pretty much any part of it, including picking the date.

He has said, right from the onset of our separation that he hasn't been happy for a long time, (neglected marriage, I'm too old for him, we have nothing in commmon, we don't have any common friends and a whole host of other things). He said that it takes two strong people to make a marriage work and we just didn't and for that he is sorry but that we now have a chance to make this next stage in our lives better and to show the kids "what a real family is".

I have a really hard time with this part and I've tried very hard to not be resentfull but can't help but wonder how you do this when there is NO family. I feel like he ripped that right out from under all our feet in order for him to be happy, rather than put in the work necessary to make it better.

I'm starting to ramble so on to my more specific current situation. I'm using LRT as much as possible as I find it is the only thing that helps me detach. Communication is pretty much limited to text and emails, all business. We have joint custody of our two wonderful children and rotate the holidays. This year, it was his turn to have them for Christmas and I had them the week before. I had originally planned to go to visit family over the holdidays, (both of our families live hundreds of miles away) but I'm in the middle of some house renovations and decided the holidays would be a good time to get some work done around the house. The kids told STBXH that I wasn't going anywhere so he sent me an email and invited me over for Christmas morning, dinner, or whatever I was comfortable with. I declined the invitation thanking him and simply saying that it was his special time with the kids. I hated having to do that but:

1. He has always counted on me changing my mind about things and backing down to do whatever makes others happy.
2. Our daughter is struggling with this whole situation and the truth is, we have not done much together and do not speak much in person. Whenever there has been times where we have all been together, it seems to have a negative impact on our daughter as she gets her hopes up, only to have them ripped apart again. I've noticed this and try very hard not to give her false expectations.
3. I felt that this invitation was sent out of sympathy, or to just try to ease his guilt over the whole situation.

I'm sorry this is long but I just don't know if I did the right thing. I'll have many more questions I'm sure, as I continue along this journey.

[InAPickle]

Hi Fullsteam:

Are you being solution oriented in your decision to decline the invite? If so that's fine.

What are your goals? Long term? Short term?

Will declining the invite get you closer or further away from a particulare goal.

Gotta think about these things.
Set aside all emotions before responding to your STBXH.

God Bless
Pickle

[MeMyselfandI]

Hi Pickle, thanks for the response. I guess it's difficult to decide whether I'm being solution oriented in that decision or simply protective of my daughter in particular.

I guess I haven't really taken the time to spell out goals, short or long term as it has been such a whirlwind since this whole process started.

You are right, setting aside emotion is an important part of this and something I have real difficulty with.

It really breaks my heart when my daughter and I had a conversation about me not going over for Christmas and she said, why don't you come, Daddy really wants you there. I tried to explain to her that I didn't want to go because I didn't want her and her brother to feel like it meant we were going to be a family again and she said "if you and Daddy don't get back together I'm just going to kill myself."

She won't talk to her Dad like that, she has told me that. She has also told me she doesn't mean it but she if really angry because her Daddy and I never fought like all her friend's parents so she doesn't understand why we can't be a family.

I guess for the immediate and urgent goal of protecting my children, I feel that my decline was solution oriented; however this does nothing for my dbing efforts in the long run.

Ho hum.

[musclegal]

Hi Fullsteam,
Its hard to know when to accommodate your kids wishes and when to make your STBXH handle their emotions. My thought is that he wanted you there because he didn't want to have to deal with their sadness. If you are not there, he has to deal with it and take responsibility for it. The one who makes the decision to end the marriage often doesn't want to "feel" the pain that he/she has caused the kids or the XS. If you are there to buffer it, then probably you are doing what you've always done in the marriage...

Its hard being in your situation when the kids confide in you but protect their dad from their real feelings. And its hard to know when to accommodate their wishes. I've kind of drawn the line at holidays--their birthdays, Christmas, Halloween. I do accommodate family time on those days, for the kids, but its hard on me. I don't know if its the right thing to do or not...

[MeMyselfandI]

Hi Muscl, I think you are right and I guess in future, I'll have to look at what I can and can't handle. It really kinda feels like one of those damned if I do, damned if I don't situations, particularly when he gets the kids to do some of his bidding on these invitations.

[MeMyselfandI]

I have another situation that I know I'm not handling properly but I feel kinda "stuck" where I am right now on it because I don't know how to fix it.

One of his complaints was that we didn't have any friends in common and that I didn't like any of his friends. Last November, we had a real heart to heart discussion on this and I tried to explain to him that there were some great people, (a core group of great parents on our kid's hockey team) whom we'd hung out with from time to time and who I really would like to hang out with more. He told me that although he liked them, he did not feel comfortable around them because they were all older and he couldn't be himself. These people are all around my age, some maybe a couple of years older.

He is very heavily involved in the kids' hockey and it is a real bond that holds them together. So, fast forward to now, he has continued to build closer and closer bonds with this core group of parents and now does pretty much everything with them. I didn't see it all happening but over the past year, I have grown further and further away from these friendships as he has pushed his way right in there.

I'm not sure how to get back into this circle now and I really miss being as involved as I used to be. If anyone has advice on dealing with mutual friends that you have kind of grown away from, I'd really appreciate it.

[BeginningAgain]

I think the best way to do this is volunteer for one of the support positions with the hockey group. My daughter is in Gymnastics and I stayed connected with the other parents by my involvement as the Gymnastics Booster Club Treasurer and helping out with some of the meets. Just a thought.

BA

[MeMyselfandI]

Thanks BA, I think I just made a step in right direction anyway. STBXH is the team manager and booked both the kids out of town tournaments this year, (something we always looked forward to as a family), on weekends when I was scheduled to be out of the country. Something that caused a lot of arguing however he swears he didn't do it on purpose it was just a coincidence.

Oh well, who cares, joke it now on him cause I just rearranged my schedule to be able to make it back to the last day of their tournament in January. I had mentioned I may do this but I know he totally didn't expect me to. I'm actually going to Las Vegas for meetings and he certainly doesn't think I'd give up extra time in Vegas to attend kids hockey games. 180 that feels great and better yet, will make the kids feel great!

Feeling better about it already.

[MeMyselfandI]

After much soul searching the last couple of days and really taking stock of where I'm at, I've decided to try a different approach because it seems that LRT is not working. It has helped me to detach somewhat and put me in a different place. Although I still feel bouts of resentment and anger, my heart seems to have opened up with some compassion for my STBXH. I've realized that things have been pretty cold and negative between us and I'm certain it is not helping my situation in the slightest.

I've also discoverd that my STBXH's LL is words of affirmation. I should have seen through this long ago; however not having the wonderful knowledge of the 5 Love Languages, I guess I was not enlightened. STBXH has always prided himself on helping others and now I can see why. Following his providing Acts of Service, he would always receive WOA come pouring out and therefore, everyone else would be speaking his language. I on the other hand, would be somemwhat frustrated because he took time away from things WE needed to do to help others. Bad combination ... everyone around him, speaking his LL while his W was condemning him.

I have never really been one to ask for his help, although he has offered on numerous occassions to do things around the house to assist me. Well, here goes ... the last night of our kid's hockey tournament, the group is going to an NHL game. I sent STBXH a text to ask him if it may be possible to get an extra ticket to the game. He said he was still confirming numbers and thought he would be able to. I thanked him ... in hindsight, I think I should'a maybe said, "thank you, you're the best". Oh well, baby steps on those LL's.

We ended up having a couple of other text exchanges as I was trying to reach the kids. Turns out, they had stopped by some friends for a quick visit and it turned into dinner. He said he would have kids call me when they got home. Most of our exchanges over the past few months have been very short, to the point, all business, end of discussion, never joking. That was not the case with this exchange. There were so many times I thought I had put the conversation stopper out there but he kept them coming.

Couple of hours after initial text, conversation goes like this:

STBXH: This has turned out to last way longer than expected and D is going to sleep here tonight. 100% personality flip compared to when I menti

ME: I'm guessing u were saying mentioned ... only got half text. Anyway, no worries, I can talk to them tomorrow

STBXH: Downloaded a new text program, must have cut first half out

STBXH: Shortened version of the first message

ME: No prob, you might want to change that program. Now you got something that makes no sense LOL. Have fun tonight.

STBXH: Its supposed to split long texts into 2. You got the second one only

ME: Nope, think I got 1st one only

STBXH: Too bad, its a cool program

ME: Do you have the one called Spinvox?

STBXH: No, its called crunchsms

ME: Spinvox is kinda cool, it converts your voicemails to text. Can be kinda funny, for example, some of the names that come up when (My boss) calls and leaves a voicemail, like Alfonse. Always feel like I'm in a Happy Days rerun or something

STBXH: Funny, is it free?

ME: Pretty sure it is. Not really sure where it came from because I don't really remember downloading it but I was BB challenged when I got my phone. Now I'm an expert Ha ha.

STBXH: I'll search for it later and see if I can find it

About an hour later, I received the second half of his first text. Too funny.

Sorry this is long and likely all over the map but charting a new course is kinda like that. It felt good to have a normal discussion about something not business/kid related and even some joking.

So, new approach. Realize he is hurting too and be more open to light conversation. Work on speaking his LL but not overdoing it. Baby steps. New goal for the next week.

STBXH will initiate a conversation with me that is not kid nor business related.

Thoughts?

[MeMyselfandI]

Just updating as it has been a good day so far. I had decided that I would not make contact today at all. Called my S around lunch today and he was all happy about the fort he had made at Daddy's place. Kept tyring to explain it to me. You have to keep in mind that I have never been in STBXH's house and I have remained in family house, mostly b/c when it came time to settle, he couldn't afford to keep the house and I could. Long story ... but here I am stuck with a house I didn't really want but it's best for the kids for now. Anyway, he kept saying, "you know if you look through the big window at Daddy's house, the stools." I tried to explain to him that I had never looked through the windows and didn't know that he was talking about but was very excited about his fort as he described it to me.

Anyway, D10 calls me just before the hockey game is about to start and I missed call. Called her back but by that time, they had company to watch the game so she was short but said she just wanted to say hi. I returned and told her to enjoy the game.

A little while later, my phone rings and it's S asking what his IPOD password is. I explain that I don't really know but if he puts Daddy on the phone, I can talk to him about it. Tell STBXH that I don't know what the password is but if he sends request to reset it, I will forward on the email (email address registered under happens to be our old family account that only I have access to now).

Back and forth a couple of times, few phone calls from S and turns out he needs to know my Visa code to be able to reset password. Being only 9 ... I ask him to put Dad on the phone. Explain to Dad that I don't have Visa handy, I'm not at home but will see if I can find it and text. He says, not to worry, he will just put in his visa number.

Long story short, Visa that S was regitered under was my old Visa (which STBXH had cancelled on me when we were going through proceedings as it was a joint account). Anyway, as I'm sending
STBXH a text to explain, he sends one saying:

STBXH: tried to put mine in but can't type the number 5, his screen is [censored]

Same time, my text goes out:

ME: Just found my code, wouldn't be good anyway. Twas the visa that was cancelled on me LOL, maybe start from scratch.

STBXH: Ya, sorry bout cancelling the visa. Was dumb.

ME: No worries, can understand at the time how you did. I would'a never jeapordized but looking back, we were both pretty vulnerable and had to do what we had to do.

Felt very good to let go of that anger!