Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

I guess if I'm being honest, here goes. I don't feel insecure. When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. BUT, when I see PICS of me, I see a woman who is "larger" than I see in my mind. Is that a form of body dysmorphic disorder? Maybe. I am self-conscious about my weight. But I also have seen my younger sister lose a tremendous amount of weight--she looks like me but much thinner--and guess what? Her husband makes jokes about how she is flat-chested. I'm not kidding. He does.

And my suddenly being single, all I'm thinking is that no one will ever notice me because I'm not thin. I come from a family where type 2 diabetes is in every single relative older than I am. I am beating the odds in that I'm not there yet! It's in my genes. This is the one health problem that plagues my family.

When my H left, I lost a tremendous amount of weight fast. I was the thinnest I'd been in 20 years. But guess what? I lost a lot of hair, from the stress! Not a good tradeoff since my hair is my best asset.

Now that I'm off anti-depressants and actually eating, I gained some back. I can't be a thin girl. I just can't. Not without extreme sacrifice.

So yeah, I do have that self-esteem issue, if I'm digging deep. My H loved my size/shape. I'm just concerned that no one else will.

I'll keep trying to dig at this root cause, though. Good advice, PEI.