I can do this...

[TAMF]

I am the same Antonia...I have been with my H since high school. We never dated other people or cheated on each other - even though we went to different colleges. I remember thinking when my bomb dropped July 3rd that I wouldn't even know how to kiss another man let alone BE with another man - love him. I remember thinking that I would never have sex again. seriously thought that.

Although I DON'T recommend this to ANYONE, I will tell you that I did have a little fling with another man about a month ago. It was a huge mental hurdle for me. I realized that I could love again and be loved and it could be wonderful. Like I said, I DON'T RECOMMEND YOU GO OUT AND FIND YOUR OWN HURDLE TO JUMP OVER! but just learn from me, IF things don't work out with your H. You are totally capable of love again.

I thankfully kept my "hurdle" as a fling and didn't get involved with him. I knew I was vulnerable and just wanted to feel wanted. I knew that I was subbing this guy for my H. I needed my H to want me, love me - not this guy. That being said, it doesn't mean that it wasn't really, really nice. I don't regret it, I am not ashamed. Will it cause future problems/complications with my H if we really do get back together - yes. And for that I want to kick myself. But at the time it was what I wanted to do. period.

Super long story short...don't think that your happiness your capacity for love will end with your marriage (IF it ends).

[Lorie1964]

TAMF,

I have been wondering the same thing about being with another man. I have been with the same one for 21 years. It totally makes me nervous to think about dating again and possibly kissing another man. I also feel it would be a big hurdle to over come and have given it alot of thought as I do have a man who is pursuing me relentlessly. I have put him off many times. I know it would not be a long relationship, because I think he wants to jump his own hurdle. LOL!

I just know that we are beautiful women who loved our husbands unconditionally. That they are too immature and weak to face the truths about themselves.

HUGS to all!

[irishblessings]

You nailed it PEI - at least for me. H has been the source of my self-esteem since I was 18. I thought that if HE loved me, was happy with me, liked me, desired me, was proud of me, etc. - then I was WORTH something. Now I realize that was MY sickness - just struggling to overcome it. But I do want to overcome it. I want to be at peace with myself and my life.

Antonia - we really are living parallel lives at this point! You are much more eloquent in your descriptions:) And I too am a former English teacher:)

[AntoniaB]

Thanks for the insight TAMF and Lorie, and IB thanks for saying I'm eloquent ;-) Sometimes that's more work than it looks like!

The day my H left I could not stop thinking that I would never, ever have sex again as long as I lived. (because I know me, and I know I wouldn't just go pick up a random dude in a bar or something).

In 23 years with him, I don't recall ONCE ever a man looking at me twice anywhere. I am sure I just didn't notice if it happened, because I had someone in my life. But still. And now, I'm walking around and I'm much friendlier and open and smiling when I'm in public, but I still don't see anyone look at me twice. That's feeding this self-esteem problem. I have always been "curvy" (or overweight, depends how you want to call it). Now I'm afraid I'll have to starve myself to get thin to attract a guy who is decent looking, when my H was drop-dead amazing looking and thin and fit. (He met me when I was thinner and never minded that my shape changed a bit as I aged. He preferred me that way). I have the ultimate confidence in my brain, my personality, etc., but not in my looks, because I don't know that any guy ever noticed that part of me but for my H and I considered myself VERY lucky to be with him as he is the type of person that people always would say "wow your H is really handsome, you're lucky."

What's very odd to me is that the OW is not very attractive--she is very plain, and for a 28 year old, she is just "weathered" looking. She literally looks older than me at 41. A close friend of mine knows her, has seen her in person recently. Even my H said to me the day he confessed "yes you are more intelligent than her, and yes you are prettier than her; that should tell you that I'm really serious about her because I didn't just pick someone who was "better" than you. She's just different from you." I still don't think that made me feel better about the situation...

I think if I could go out somewhere with a girlfriend and get ONE DECENT LOOKING GUY to approach me, I'd feel a lot better about all this, but my friends are all married and don't go out without their husbands (can you say co-dependent???)I have some girlfriends who are college-aged, but they don't live around here. So I'm in this position where I think I'm going to have to go out to a bar (upscale, not seedy, ha ha) all by myself just to put myself out there to see if anyone notices me, but then I think, what if they don't, I'll feel worse. Or sign up for online dating, but I'm not really sure I want to open that can of worms yet.

IB too bad we don't live in the same town. We could go out for drinks and just get guys to notice us and then feel better and go back to our lives and not act on it ;-)

TAMF you're not the first person to say that a fling helps with the hurdle, so don't feel bad about saying it. I am sure you didn't take it lightly and still don't. It's what you needed at the time. If someone offered that to me right now, I'd probably take him up on it too!

[AntoniaB]

And before anyone thinks I'm being mean or shallow about men's looks, you need to understand that I live in a part of the state that is overrun with dudes missing teeth and that sort of thing.

[dl443322]

IB, I want you to know that your feelings are normal. Feeling sad at the holidays that are different than what you had ever imagined is also normal.

I have told you before, you are way too hard on yourself. You feel what you feel and it's ok.

Having said that, one of the most important things to take from all this is that you control you. You have the power to make your life what you want it to be.

First things first. Your h is broken. Trust me, he is. While it may look like he has detached and is firmly inbedded in ow's
life, there is a lot of turmoil going on inside him. He is not as happy as you think he is.

But, I dont really care about him. I care about you. I hate to see someone who is intelligent, insightful and compassionate feel so badly about herself.

You know in your heart that all those years werent what your h says they were. You do. Dig in deep and believe it.

But more importantly, please do not allow your h's actions or words define who you are.

You have children who love you, family and friends and coworkers who love and respect you. Can they all be wrong?

You need to really and truly love who you are. You need to figure out who IB is and what she has to offer the world.

Your h doesnt get to do that - only you can.

Your h has a huge hole he is trying to fill. He tried to fill it with online stuff. But you didnt cause that hole, nor could you have filled it. It is something in him and only he can figure out how to fix it.

So, honor your children and others in your life by loving yourself.

And do not ever feel that you need anyone else to validate you.

You made it through Christmas. You were there for your children.

But IB, I'd like to see you take care of you a little. Try to figure out what might fill you up.

You have a lot to offer the world. And while I would never judge anyone for doing what they need to, for me, I would rather learn to like myself and not once again turn to a man to validate who I am.

Believe me, I used my h as my mirror. If he was ok, then I was. If he loved me, than I was lovable. My mother and my h defined my self worth. And it wasnt much.

But, I figured out that I am worthy. I matter. I am a good person with a lot of good qualities. And if h doesnt see that, it really is his loss.

I really like me. Learn to really like you, IB regardless of your h's words and actions. Regardless.

[irishblessings]

Antonia,
I'm not even close to seeking OM's looks or interest. I am really just trying to get a handle on who I am and what I want after all this time with H. Maybe there is something wrong with me - I need to get in a relationship with myself. I need to find out the answers to questions about what I want - what I value, etc.

I would however love to go out on the town with friends and just enjoy each others' company:)
IB

[PEI]

Irish, you get it ... I know you do ... now it's time to really dig for it, and figure it out as it relates to you ... make it fit, so to speak. Knowing "it" intellectually and feeling it are two different things, and feeling it takes more time. You are so right to seek that relationship with yourself. Learn who Irish is ... when all the masks and roles and stereotypes are stripped away ... who is Irish and what does she want for her life? What fills her up? What makes her tick?

(((hugs)))
PEI

[punkin]

Irish,

Enjoy the friends thing first. Initiate it yourself if no one else does. Just a weekend trip, maybe an overnighter. My high school friends have been one of the saving graces I'm thankful for. The other will come in its own good time. When you least expect it.

[irishblessings]

Ugh - hurt and sadness GO AWAY!!!! I am out of town for S's basketball tournament. H is staying at a completely different hotel. My D believes that he has OW stashed there. He is so unbelievably creepy! Lies, deceit at every turn. WHY AM I STILL SO SAD????????????? What is WRONG with me?????????? WHEN will I get OVER this?????? I do not want to cry anymore - I don't want to feel this hurt any longer - I don't want to feel humiliated anymore - I want to be OK with everything! Why can't I get there???