IB, I want you to know that your feelings are normal. Feeling sad at the holidays that are different than what you had ever imagined is also normal.

I have told you before, you are way too hard on yourself. You feel what you feel and it's ok.

Having said that, one of the most important things to take from all this is that you control you. You have the power to make your life what you want it to be.

First things first. Your h is broken. Trust me, he is. While it may look like he has detached and is firmly inbedded in ow's
life, there is a lot of turmoil going on inside him. He is not as happy as you think he is.

But, I dont really care about him. I care about you. I hate to see someone who is intelligent, insightful and compassionate feel so badly about herself.

You know in your heart that all those years werent what your h says they were. You do. Dig in deep and believe it.

But more importantly, please do not allow your h's actions or words define who you are.

You have children who love you, family and friends and coworkers who love and respect you. Can they all be wrong?

You need to really and truly love who you are. You need to figure out who IB is and what she has to offer the world.

Your h doesnt get to do that - only you can.

Your h has a huge hole he is trying to fill. He tried to fill it with online stuff. But you didnt cause that hole, nor could you have filled it. It is something in him and only he can figure out how to fix it.

So, honor your children and others in your life by loving yourself.

And do not ever feel that you need anyone else to validate you.

You made it through Christmas. You were there for your children.

But IB, I'd like to see you take care of you a little. Try to figure out what might fill you up.

You have a lot to offer the world. And while I would never judge anyone for doing what they need to, for me, I would rather learn to like myself and not once again turn to a man to validate who I am.

Believe me, I used my h as my mirror. If he was ok, then I was. If he loved me, than I was lovable. My mother and my h defined my self worth. And it wasnt much.

But, I figured out that I am worthy. I matter. I am a good person with a lot of good qualities. And if h doesnt see that, it really is his loss.

I really like me. Learn to really like you, IB regardless of your h's words and actions. Regardless.