Thanks for the insight TAMF and Lorie, and IB thanks for saying I'm eloquent ;-) Sometimes that's more work than it looks like!
The day my H left I could not stop thinking that I would never, ever have sex again as long as I lived. (because I know me, and I know I wouldn't just go pick up a random dude in a bar or something).
In 23 years with him, I don't recall ONCE ever a man looking at me twice anywhere. I am sure I just didn't notice if it happened, because I had someone in my life. But still. And now, I'm walking around and I'm much friendlier and open and smiling when I'm in public, but I still don't see anyone look at me twice. That's feeding this self-esteem problem. I have always been "curvy" (or overweight, depends how you want to call it). Now I'm afraid I'll have to starve myself to get thin to attract a guy who is decent looking, when my H was drop-dead amazing looking and thin and fit. (He met me when I was thinner and never minded that my shape changed a bit as I aged. He preferred me that way). I have the ultimate confidence in my brain, my personality, etc., but not in my looks, because I don't know that any guy ever noticed that part of me but for my H and I considered myself VERY lucky to be with him as he is the type of person that people always would say "wow your H is really handsome, you're lucky."
What's very odd to me is that the OW is not very attractive--she is very plain, and for a 28 year old, she is just "weathered" looking. She literally looks older than me at 41. A close friend of mine knows her, has seen her in person recently. Even my H said to me the day he confessed "yes you are more intelligent than her, and yes you are prettier than her; that should tell you that I'm really serious about her because I didn't just pick someone who was "better" than you. She's just different from you." I still don't think that made me feel better about the situation...
I think if I could go out somewhere with a girlfriend and get ONE DECENT LOOKING GUY to approach me, I'd feel a lot better about all this, but my friends are all married and don't go out without their husbands (can you say co-dependent???)I have some girlfriends who are college-aged, but they don't live around here. So I'm in this position where I think I'm going to have to go out to a bar (upscale, not seedy, ha ha) all by myself just to put myself out there to see if anyone notices me, but then I think, what if they don't, I'll feel worse. Or sign up for online dating, but I'm not really sure I want to open that can of worms yet.
IB too bad we don't live in the same town. We could go out for drinks and just get guys to notice us and then feel better and go back to our lives and not act on it ;-)
TAMF you're not the first person to say that a fling helps with the hurdle, so don't feel bad about saying it. I am sure you didn't take it lightly and still don't. It's what you needed at the time. If someone offered that to me right now, I'd probably take him up on it too!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
