I am feeling a bit strange not posting much lately but so many things have changed and I feel I dont have much to say. I's been almost 3 years since I started posting. Those holidays of 2007-2008 were the hardest period of my life, until this year's. I have come a long way. We did all, didnt we? Life isnt as we thought it would be but it isnt bad.
We spent Christmas with my dad's brother and sister. My dad was missing. He loved holidays, big dinners and being around his family. For a strange reason I cant remember last year's celebration. It will come to me. Right now I keep having flash backs from when I was young, very young, 2-3-4 years old.
It has affected me more than I thought it would. I have this huge weight sitting on my chest. I think my heart is having issues: high blood pressure, irregular ticking etc etc.
My mom seems to now realise she is left behind. Going thourgh his things, she found little memoirs he had kept about her and of her that she never knew about. He was loving her in ways she didnt realise while he was alive. And she is feeling she missed a lot.
H and I are ...ok. I am finding myself getting mad at him often. For all the things he put me through. For breaking up our special bond. For not being dedicated to me. I know it's not wise to compare our R with my parents' R but I catch myself doing it a little too often.
Right now, what bothers me is that when I hug him at nights, I have all these doubts and questionamarks in my head. I wonder if I will ever feel OK with him. With no "buts" and "ifs". I dont want to live a life full with concerns. I want to be able to trust him and feel secure in my relationship.
Hope everyone had a good time. M We have planned a 3 days getaway on Jan 3rd. With another family.
I can related. I don't post nearly as much anymore. Things just move on a bit. Luckily this board has been more than DBing to me, the friends I've made have been awesome.
You are dealing with a lot right now. Make sure you take care of yourself. Stress does very strange things to the body and mind. Sounds like you should get checked out by a doctor.
You know as well as anyone that the bitterness and anger leeches through at unexpected moments. It's great that you feel safe enough to BE angry though. Your R is unique. It's not what it was 3 years ago, and it will never be the same as your parents', but that doesn't mean it isn't a wonderful work in progress.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a relationship I truly feel secure in again. Period. It has nothing to do with WHO cheated on me, lied to me, and then left me, but the fact that it happened at all.
I'm much more jealous. Much more suspicious. It is something I fight with. Even though Roger has done nothing to earn my suspicion, it's still there. Because of the past.
I had a good Christmas. (((Maria)))
The getaway sounds nice. Where are you going?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Just thinking of you....I am sure your emotions are still all over the place with the loss of your dad and the holiday so soon after.
I still catch myself getting angry at Dan sometimes but he is not hear to vent to...I am so glad you do have your husband with you even though piecing is a hard road.
We are heading to where we went 2 years ago. We had spent 4 great days at a superb hotel and we didnt make love. I was wondering what was going on. He was staying true to ...her.
Sometimes I wonder if the progress we are making is real.
I believe it is. You are in a place of mixed emotions especially with your Dad passing. You can't have your parents marriage...you aren't them but you can build your marriage and make it a strong and loving one.
Look at what your H is doing now, not 2 years ago. The past is something to learn from but not something to live with in the present.
Much Love, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
