I can do this...

[AntoniaB]

Oh IB, I am entirely, 100% in the same spot as you are right now. The fact that my H has never wavered on this divorce, that he's shown no sign of even considering that he might have done the wrong thing by me and us, and the fact that now we're past the holidays and he never bothered to even send one text or thank me for the gift I gave him OR check in to see if things are ok now (I am in a blizzard and you know, you think he'd at least be worried about the HOUSE as it's still his property too...) All this makes me feel like he must be right and I must be wrong and the person he left me for really is better for him and blah blah blah. I get you 100%.

And I feel like it serves me no purpose any more to look at the pics or think of the time we were together happy and think anything good of it. I feel like what's the point? I can never have that back. He doesn't want me. Maybe we were never right for each other. Maybe I made a huge mistake being with him for all those years. I feel that every day now and I feel like that is getting worse.

The thing with my H is that the one thing in the world he is best at is hiding his emotions. He learned to hide any problems with his parents from the time he grew up as an abuse victim. He learned to hide his problems from me. He will continue, I think, to hide his problems from the OW. I don't see him ever coming out of this fog and facing anything. I think that's why he seems to have forgotten me altogether now. As long as she is there to distract him, he says he is happy.

I don't even know anymore if he ever loved me. There was a time right before he left me the second time where he said "I don't know if I'm capable of really loving anyone." That says it all.

So I'm really struggling in the same way you are right now with thinking maybe he's right and his silence reinforces that. And that makes me feel like a fool too.

I'm trying very hard to take PEI's words to heart. But I can't even envision being friendly with H anymore since the level of betrayal to me feels so severe.

I feel like my brain is trying to make me hate him and forget him at this point, like he's just a character in a story that I lived once. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism against further hurt. I don't know if it's good for me to think that way or not.

I don't even know if this post helps you but I just wanted to say I'm feeling exactly the same as you and it is horrible. The only solace I have is to try to ignore it or think of the things that are good in my life and the connections with those who haven't just dropped me as if I do not exist.