Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

Thanks for stopping by and for your comments, Lotus and Kalni.

Kalni, I didn't want you to find me, as I was afraid it would dredge up old wounds for you and you've been through too much. I adore you and I'm inspired by you, dear girl.

This morning I awoke from a dream where OW and I were in a house. Lots of other people were around and OW and I were trying to stay out of each other's way, but kept walking past one another. I was talking about my hair to various people. I asked if they like my hair or OW's hair and 100% of the people preferred hers. Strange dream.

When friends would look through H’s and my photo albums and see a photo of OW, they always asked if she was my sister. I’ve had waiters ask us that when we’ve been to out to eat in the past too. I don’t like it. She’s taller and thinner than I am. I’ve always struggled with body image and I hate that she’s a toothpick. And tall.

I know it’s pointless and silly to do these comparisons. The dream just put me in a strange place inside my head.

I feel like the people I work with see the deadness in my eyes; that I’m not 100% myself and they see right through me. I’m doing my best to be myself, but I don’t feel like myself. Having to pretend my Christmas was "lovely and wonderful" is taking its toll. Everyone is so chatty this morning and I just can't be bothered... but I put on my brave face and make up a story about my wonderful weekend at home with my h.

H’s birthday is this Thursday. Staff members in our company have their birthday as a paid day off. I know she’ll want to contact him. She’ll know he’ll be at home and I’ll be at work. There is nothing I can do to prevent it. I can’t trust my husband to be truthful with me yet (or ever). So I’ll just try not to focus on something out of my control.

The lie I caught him in was this: the Friday I met with OW’s boyfriend and found out the news, and after H met me at home and confessed to the affair, he returned to the office (I needed to take care of something for a staff member but he eagerly volunteered to do it for me). When he saw OW, he kissed her and told her “I’ll miss you, baby. Come back soon.” The come back soon part was due to her having scheduled time off from work for the holidays. She went home and told her boyfriend and her boyfriend immediately notified me via text. I asked H about it and he said it wasn’t true. This past weekend, one of OW’s texts asked “Out of curiosity, did H tell you he kissed me and blah, blah, blah?” H couldn’t deny it any longer. Why would he do that when the affair had been exposed and life was a crumbling mess? After he consoled me and told me that he loved the life we had together?

I asked him why and he didn’t really have an answer other than he felt bad, and he has feelings for her and this is hard for him too. If I put myself in his shoes, I can see why he would do it, I suppose. It’s his M.O.

I realize how down I sound today. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I am feeling worn out and exhausted and at my wit’s end.