Separated for 11 weeks (long)...

[thatgirl007]

Well, the holidays were an interesting thing. H came over on Friday and didn't leave until I left for work this morning. We had a really good weekend with his family. They don't know that we are separated - and I am leaving it up to him to tell them, it's his family and his truth to tell. He keeps coming up with excuses not to tell and I know that once he does reveal the truth to his mom, she's going to call me and want every detail. She always takes my side

I thought that it would feel awkward and wrong having them here without them knowing the truth - but it felt the exact opposite. I felt a few pangs of sadness that things aren't right between us, but I also felt very good about creating a positive and happy memory, which could possibly be our last holiday together. I'm not sure.

We went to church together on Sunday. I may not have mentioned it, but for one seven-year stretch in our marriage, my husband was an assistant pastor. Right up until I found out about his 8-month affair. That's when he took a "sabbatical". Anyway, he's been really confused about his faith since then. We've switched churches but haven't stopped attending and he's said several times that he's going to "get things right" in his relationship with God. I try not to comment too much on it because I don't fully understand it and I don't really think it's possible for me to fully understand it. I have enough to deal with in my own relationship with God.

I bring that up to say that he talked a bit about how he's feeling about God and how frustrated he is with waiting. I asked him what he was waiting for, but he couldn't really express it in words - at least not in ones I could understand. So, I just listened and told him that I understand how faith issues can be a struggle.

One of the things I have done, a 180, is to stop reaching out to him for affection, to stop initiating touching him/kissing him/reaching out for his hand, etc. I was always the one who initiated any kind of affectionate touches and I've stopped doing that. I will respond when he touches me and be affectionate back to him. I thought for sure that we just wouldn't have much affection between us if I didn't initiate it. I was wrong. He does the reaching out now. He even wants to hold my hand or for me to hold his arm when we're walking into a store or in public. It's so odd...

And at church on Sunday, he put his arm around me. Then, when I thought that he would be heading back to his place, he asked me to go to the store with him. I agreed and put on the sweater and boots he'd bought me for Christmas. He talked about how cute I looked and off we went. I was sure that when we got back, he'd go to his place, but he stuck around, fixed dinner and when I went to bed, he went with me.

In the middle of the night, he even reached for me and we cuddled. This morning, we got up, ate breakfast and then went to our cars - me, off to work and him to his place. He gave me a big kiss and off I went.

I'm not sure where we are and when I think about it, I push the thought aside. I'm not ready to question things. I am just at the point of creating positive experiences between us. Maybe the stage of making decisions or talking about things will come later?