I am feeling a bit strange not posting much lately but so many things have changed and I feel I dont have much to say. I's been almost 3 years since I started posting. Those holidays of 2007-2008 were the hardest period of my life, until this year's. I have come a long way. We did all, didnt we? Life isnt as we thought it would be but it isnt bad.
We spent Christmas with my dad's brother and sister. My dad was missing. He loved holidays, big dinners and being around his family. For a strange reason I cant remember last year's celebration. It will come to me. Right now I keep having flash backs from when I was young, very young, 2-3-4 years old.
It has affected me more than I thought it would. I have this huge weight sitting on my chest. I think my heart is having issues: high blood pressure, irregular ticking etc etc.
My mom seems to now realise she is left behind. Going thourgh his things, she found little memoirs he had kept about her and of her that she never knew about. He was loving her in ways she didnt realise while he was alive. And she is feeling she missed a lot.
H and I are ...ok. I am finding myself getting mad at him often. For all the things he put me through. For breaking up our special bond. For not being dedicated to me. I know it's not wise to compare our R with my parents' R but I catch myself doing it a little too often.
Right now, what bothers me is that when I hug him at nights, I have all these doubts and questionamarks in my head. I wonder if I will ever feel OK with him. With no "buts" and "ifs". I dont want to live a life full with concerns. I want to be able to trust him and feel secure in my relationship.
Hope everyone had a good time. M We have planned a 3 days getaway on Jan 3rd. With another family.
